I thought I would give this journal thing a try. I have several other blog sites, but I guess this one is different (mainly because no one knows me here outside of the internet.)
So I guess I should start with who I am.
I am Emily. I am a college drop-out, a fact which I am coming to terms with. I have been married for a little over a year to my church camp crush. I am so lucky to have a man like him. We have been best friends for years, and I feel as if we can be completely vulnerable with each other. Don't get me wrong, we have our differences. It's just that we understand each other on such a deep level that those differences rarely matter.
I am six months pregnant with our first child. I was using a natural birth control (keeping track of ovulation dates and such), but I was more interested in learning more about how my body works than actually preventing pregnancy. We knew that I was ovulating on the night we concieved, but it didn't matter. As far as the ultrasound has told us, we're having a boy. It's exciting to know that everyday inside me is another day that our child is growing and another day closer to me getting to meet him (or her).
We currently live in married apartments on the campus of Trevecca Nazarene University. We live in the middle of the ghetto in Nashville. If I could chose for us to live anywhere else in the world, I think I would. We are soon moving to our dream neighborhood in what will eventually be our dream house. We go to church about an hour from where we live right now, and we fell in love with that area. Every Sunday when we drive out to Smith County, there is a point where we just look at the view and sigh, and one of us says, "I can't wait till we live out here." The house we are moving into used to belong to the mother of a friend of ours. She moved out a couple of years ago, and they have been renting it. She passed away a few months ago, and they wanted to sell for obvious reasons. It's perfect for us. Three bedrooms, two baths, and a nice backyard. There are so many things we want to do to make it our own. We can't wait. It's just a matter of weeks now.
We don't have a working computer at the moment, so I am sitting in the Hub (our version of a student union) typing away at one of the community comps. I am surrounded by freshman (I only say that because they obviously are) who are being loud and irritating. I know I shouldn't complain. I should be happy for them that they are able to enjoy this new experience. But a part of my can't help but be wistful, wishing I had that chance again.
I dropped out before I found out I was pregnant. I just found that the pressure was more than I could handle, and my priorities were getting way too mixed up. I was working so hard at my job, and I barely had time for school, much less anything else. I hardly saw my husband, and my walk with God was suffering big time. It finally clicked for me when I was listening to "Velvet Elvis" on CD at work. I didn't have to finish college to please God or anyone else. What I had to do was relentlessly pursue what God had called me to do. I wasn't doing that while in school. So I quit. It was the best thing for me to do. I know that. I still struggle with feeling like a failure. My husband says that I shouldn't, that God has called me to be the best mother I can be, and as long as I am doing that, I'm not a failure. I just wish things could have been different is all.
Don't get me wrong - I love that I have been released from that. I am so excited about Toby and moving and everything. This is a transition period, and those always come with second thoughts. I am trying to let go of this chapter of my life so that I can start a new one.
Writing this is therepeutic. I think I will do it more often.
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