Grieving Mother - Update

[zeermaya]

As I wrote in my previous post, my beautiful angel Zaelynn died 20 days after I brought her into this world.  It has now been 1 month since she died.  I can barely believe that she has been dead longer than she was alive.  I spent nine long months waiting for her arrival with anticipation, despite the fact that her father wasn't interested and was from another country.  I had been wanting another child for many years, and my 7 year old had been wanting a baby brother or sister for just as long.  She finally came to us and then died.  It SUCKS, I hate it and I still cry at least once a day, if not when I am awake then I do it in my sleep.  However despite all that life goes on.

I am no longer feeling suicidal, and I now know what happened, I didn't at first.  In my previous post there were people who wanted to know what happened to her, and maybe my story can help prevent this from happening to other people, I can only hope anyways, so I am going to tell the whole story.  Not for sympathy - but to help others.  This tragedy will be in some small way easier to bear if it can help save other babies.

The morning that Zaelynn died started off normal.  I got my older daughter ready for school, drove her there then came back home.  Zaelynn got hungry after awhile so I started feeding her.  I hadn't been getting much sleep and became tired, and my back was hurting.  So I laid down with her.  I was facing the back of the couch, and Zaelynn was facing me.  I laid there, talking and singing to her, while gazing into her eyes.  That's the last moment I remember before my best friend yelled "Chris the baby's not breathing!!"  I woke up instantly and looked at Zaelynn.  Her lips were blue and there was blood all over the pillow, and coming out of her nose.  I yelled at my friend to call 911 while stripping off her clothes and carring her over to a TV tray set up by the chair.  I brushed everything off it and started CPR.  But it was already too late.  I couldn't get the air to go in, and I couldn't make her heart start up again.  Neither could the paramedics, the doctors or anyone else. 

My baby was dead and I had killed her.  In my mind I killed her, because I fell asleep and she sufficated.  I thought that I should have stayed awake, not layed down, drank more coffee, took a walk, laid her down, something anything, other than allowing my baby to die.  Of course I know logically that it was just a horrible accident, but it still hurts, and wish everyday that I could bring her back.  I hope that if you read this that you make sure you don't put your self in that situation.  Never lay down with your baby, where there is a chance of suffication.  I laid down "only for a minute" and now my baby is dead.  Please, don't think it can't happen to you, it can. 

I am in counsiling and so is my daughter.  We are both survivors and will make it through this tragedy.  My love to all the baby's and those who love them.

Grieving Mother, survivor - CP

[LogansMommy813]

Feb. 8, 2007 at 8:31 AM i am so sorry for your loss....*hugs*..if you ever need to talk i am here.

[myheartnsoul]

Feb. 8, 2007 at 1:38 PM My heart sank just reading this, please know that it was an accident and you didn't kill your daughter.After reading this I will never sleep on the couch/in a bed with my son again, you may have just saved a life.Thank you for sharing your story.If you need to talk feel free to contact me anytime.Remember you still have a beautiful daughter to live for.Take care and god bless.

[twister_spacey]

Feb. 10, 2007 at 9:13 PM oh my! i am soo sorry to hear that. if there is ANYTHING that you need, dont hesitate to contact me. i will be there!

[corablue]

Feb. 12, 2007 at 5:44 AM I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby.  she was beautiful.  your older daughter is, too.  I am always here to listen.  just let it out you'll feel beter.  at least that's what I hear.

[teddybearthomas]

Feb. 12, 2007 at 6:27 AM just mabe ur the one i have been lookin for see my girls died dec 23 2006 and i feel some what like u see i was asleep when my girls were diein we were asleep at 7 15 in the moring my husband was gone to work and i was home alone with the kids he works nights  something woke me up i dont know what the fireman seems to thing it was the glass brakin becouse that is what woke up my nabors my girls were in there bedroom alseep and me and my son was in my bed asleep and i busted out the back door in my room and got him out i when back in for my girls 3 times with the help of nabors but the tralior we lived in was to far gone they latter told me that the girls were gone before i woke up see we did not have any warning we did not have smoke alarms in there they would not let me go in any more i feel like i should have when with them i to blame myself for sleepin when i should have been up savein my girls so i would love to talk to u more if that is ok with u i need to talk to some one that is goin thought something kind of like me  i am very sorry for u loss   my girls were 4 and 6 years old they left behind a 3 yaers old brother who just wants his sister his bestfriends to come back home that is all he talks about well anyways u can get back to me if u would like [e-mail] if i am not on here . 

[kateandjona]

Feb. 12, 2007 at 10:59 PM

I know it's hard, I know it hurts .... words just can't express how sorry I am.  But you're going to be ok.  The pain never goes away, but in time it will soften.  A terrible tragic thing happened, but blame will get you nowhere.  Visit and share with the group, we're all here for you.  Hugs.

[frogntoad]

Mar. 19, 2007 at 8:26 AM I am so sorry. You must remember that God had already given your precious baby a time to be born and a time to come back to Him. Her short life was lived out to it's purpose. We can never know why things happen, but God has a bigger plan that we may never understnad until we go home to be with Him. Rest in God's arms of love, and know that He is in control.

[LadySummer]

Apr. 12, 2007 at 1:53 AM

I know you've been getting this alot, but I am so sorry about your tragic loss.  I think it is VERY important that you not blame yourself for her death.  It was a terrible accident but something that will probably bring you and your older daughter closer together.  I know you might not want to hear this but I believe everything happens for a reason, however horrible the events may be.

I also know that you've been getting alot of ears lately, but if you'd like one more, I'm almost always online, my myspace IM is almost always on.  you can find me there at www.myspace.com/lady_summer.  Chat with me anytime you'd like.

[maracusqn]

Apr. 25, 2007 at 5:51 PM my heart goes out to you

[mom_in_2004]

May. 24, 2007 at 7:34 PM

oh i am so sorry for your loss. i wish no parent had to go through that tragedy. i cried reading your story. thank you. my two boys are 1 and 3 but i am going to have another one in august  and i will never fall asleep on the couch with him. thank you so much for opening my eyes to ths possible tragedy. It was a horrible accident but your angel will always live in your heart and in your daughters heart. i hope you find peace