Should I Stay Or Should I Leave

[momgoncrazy3]

I don't think that I can cry anymore. I just found out something about my husband last week that I don't think that I will every be able to get over. First let me start out with alittle background. When I was 14 Yrs. old I had my first daughter that I gave up for adoption. I kinda lost touch with all of my  friends at school cause no one really wants to hang out with a pregnant girl. They all went on to do there own thing (drinking, drugs, guys. Anyways I never really got into that scene. I look at some of those girls that I use to hang out with and am kinda glad that we don't hang out anymore cause most of them are drug addicts or alcoholics. I am not going to lie to anyone and say that I have never done drugs. The only thing that I have ever done was smoke pot. I never liked it so I don't do that anymore. Well anyways back to my hubby. He is an alcoholic and I knew this since before we got married. His whole family is either alcoholics or drug addicts or both except for his brother whom I have never meet but from what I am told never really got along with his sisters. Anyways my hubby loves to drink and loves to smoke pot and occasionally pop pills. I am disgusted with this but I do live him and this is why I do the things that I do Most of the time. Our relationship has been very rocky at times but I thought that we connected very well up until now. On Sun. he went to the grocery store and came back all messed up ( I thought that it was from pills ) So Mon. I was home with our sick daughter  and I had called my really good friend whom I work with to let her know that I wasn't coming into work today and I had told her oh by the way he came home all messed up last-night.He did it again. My friend says to me that she has to tell me something but she is scared to tell me. That she was shaking and was ready to cry. I said what is it . I honestly thought that she was gonna tell me that he hit on her or something. God I wish that that was what it was. I wish it was that he cheated on me or something. That I feel that I could get over. But not this. She told me that he wasn't taking pills and that he was smoking CRACK!!!!! Just saying that word or hearing anyone say it makes me sick. My heart is so crushed. Anyways when she told me I asked her how does she know and she had told me that this guy that we work with had told her. This guy has come over to our house couple of times to hang out and my hubby has given him a ride home every time because he doesn't drive. Anyways my hubby said something to my friend that I work with and that he was gonna get some and he went to the bank got some money out and got it with him in the truck.. At first I didn't really believe it. That morning my hubby took our daughter to school cause I was home with the other one and I waited until I knew that he had already dropped off our daughter and I called him. I asked him what exactly did you do  last night. He played the stupid I don't know what your talking about thing. I told him that he might as well tell me because I already knew what he took and he told me everything and I just felt like my world just crumbled. This is so surreal. I cant even believe that  am going through this again. My hubby was in AA before and one of the steps is to tell all the people in your life that you have done wrong to what you have done well that was the one thing that he failed to tell me. He says that he was scared that he was going to loose us if I found out. Well now that I know I am sick . I feel like I cant function as a mother. I will not sleep in the same bed as him he will never see me naked again I will never have sex with him I  feel like I did something wrong or that I have it tattooed to my forehead what happened I feel like everyone knows and I am ashamed and embarrassed and I didn't even do anything. I cant leave cause I have no money and nowhere to go. He has started to go back to meetings everyday since I found out and says that he will never do it again but I have heard that so many times before. I wish that I could believe him but I just cant. I don't know if I will ever be able to again. Please help me!!!!! Should I stay or should I leave.

[Pandi653]

Sep. 16, 2007 at 10:08 AM wow. Im so sorry that you have to go through this. Honestly the decision to stay or go will have to be yours but i wish you luck in any decision you make. Hang in there. What doesnt kill us will only make us stronger and no matter how bad it gets, it could always be worse than it is. Good luck to you.

[BreakingFree]

Sep. 16, 2007 at 11:04 AM

Tough situation you are in....I am so very sorry that your family is going through this right now..

If he has gone back to the meetings, at least he realizes that you might just leave him over this.  He may really be wanting to get help.  I guess I would question if he is addicted to crack, and what kind of treatment options he should look into.  Going to the meetings may not be enough to withstand him from returning to the drugs..... You are angry right now with him, and that is understandable.  But maybe after a few days you can sit him down logically and speak to him further about this.  Tell him how much it hurt you that he lied to you about it to begin with.  Also tell him that you are angry with him, cause you know if he doesn't stop and get help this will ruin your family.  Be totally honest with him about how you feel.   Try and do this without an attitude of "well your the one that screwed up"  I know that is hard but, sounds like he already knows that he screwed up... I know with my husband when I continue with the attitude of "he's a failure"  it just stays in that pattern for awhile..  and we fight and argue and never get any resolution in the situation....the ultimate goal here you want  would be success for everyone involved....

Also think about this:  Are you really able to forgive him for lying to you?  Can you move past it?  Could you support him through some kind of long term treatment option?  (I wasn't sure if you had done this in the past or not)

I think once you answer those questions you will be able to move forward with this whole thing, and then you can get focused on supporting him with it all and through the treatment.  If that is what you choose to do.  If  you say no I can't or won't do that, then at that point maybe it should be decided if the 2 of you should separate until he gets the treatment he wants or needs.  The reason why I am saying all of this is because if he truly wants to get help, and you 2 stay together, and you are still angry with him and not forgiving of his past mistakes, reminding him of it always, then treatment will be really difficult for him.  And maybe you could sit back and think "good, it should be hard on him, look what he did to me and our kids"  but really all in all, you really want him to succeed, so that you and your children will benefit from it, and can be happy once again.. there is real power in treatment when a person truly wants to get better.... 

This is no way intended to judge you or tell you what to do... just some insight  and ideas that might help you in deciding what is best for everyone involved....  I will be praying for you and your family, that it will all work out for the betterment of everyone involved... take care

 

[Hotmomma038]

Sep. 16, 2007 at 4:45 PM

Its a tough decision, especially when there are children involved. But sometimes u have to do what u think is best for u and ur children. If he is really sorry and wants help, and wants to stay in the relationship then u need to talk to him and see if he wants to get help. More than AA. AA can only do so much. Try not to rub it in his face. I know that maybe hard to do at times bc u are so angry, but if u want to stay in the relationship with him and u do want him to succeed then u have to put ur feelings aside and be supportive. I know that is also a very hard thing to do. But the choice is really up to you.

[Hotmomma038]

Sep. 16, 2007 at 4:46 PM P.s. I also want u to know that I am going to be praying for u and ur family. I am so sorry u have to go through this. It has to be really hard.

[calydu]

Sep. 23, 2007 at 12:08 PM

I have a hubby that doesn't take drugs, drink, or smoke.  I am lucky.

I have family members that have dealt with addiction all of their lives, and still to this day.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you did ask my opinion.

You have to forget that you are embarassed.  You have to forget that he is doing this to you.  You have to forget that you feel like you failed.  You have to forget that people you know ..... well... KNOW .  Forget that when they see you they think of him and what he has and is doing.

Here is what you have to remember.

You married him knowing that he was like this.

You knew that his family was the same if not worse.

You knew that there always was a chance that he would hit the harder stuff one day.

You have to remember what made you look at him twice.

You have to remember what made your heart race.

You have to remember what made you love him.

You have to remember what made you want to have kids with him.

You have to remember what all the good moments with him.

You have to remember what your wedding vows are.

You have to remember what that he can't do this without you.

You have to remember that holding out on sex and just the "contact" as punishment is wrong.

You have to remember that you can't threaten, scream, beat, or make him want to change by dong them.

You have to remember that he will want to change and do better if you want him to.  If you need him to.  If you think he deserves to be better.

Don't discuss his problems with anyone.  Those who care the most won't understand why you stay with him after they hear all of the horror stories.  Family cannot accept someone back completely if they know what they did to cause the scars that you have.  Yes, tell them your fears and pains, but just don't be detailed on what he has done.  Telling your family ONE TIME that he smoked while your child was alone with him will give them nightmares until the day they die.

I am in no way saying don't tell of abuse or to tolerate.  I am not saying that.  Just that by sharing all of your details you are putting yourself into the situation you fear the most.  That others look at you and see that big tattoo on your forehead WIFE OF A CRACKHEAD!

Healing for you is seperate than his addiction.  You have to take care of yourself in a different way than he will have to fix himself.  Hopefully you will get the support you need and those that don't needle you for info and make you feel bad for the choices that you make/made.

Stay or leave?  If he broke a code that you will never forgive him for and will spend any moment of time together reminding him or punishing him for doing it no matter how clean and great he becomes, then by all means, leave now.  If you are going to punish yourself for letting this happen to you, your kids, and yes, allowing him to do this, you can choose to stay because that is not a marriage issue.  That is an issue with your heart and soul that is seperate.  No wedding vows connect them.  You can't fulfill your wedding vows if you feel like a ghost or half wife.  When I say wedding vows, I am not talking about sex.  I am talking the bond that you have and all that you have inside of you that makes you want to walk through fire for each other, if it was anything but this.

There is one good thing about all of this.  You can tell your select friends here EVERYTHING.  You can tell us the truth.  You can fudge up the edges and make the picture out of focus.  You call tell us what you need to get out so that we can help you heal.  Not your marriage.  Not your life.  Just you and every pure piece of liquid gold that runs through your veins.