New Rules from Bill Maher (9/7/07) ....

[EmilysMom04]

New Rule:

Until President Bush can visit Iraq without it being in secret, we're not "kicking ass."

Just like last year, Bush's visit to Iraq this week was "kept on the down low." I guess he was worried about being mobbed by his millions of Iraqi fans. Sorry, Mr. President, but slinking into someplace unannounced and under cover of night, isn't an "ass whooping," it's a "booty call."

New Rule:

Gods are like shampoos. You have to change yours every once in a while or else they stop working. That's right, everyone who thanks God for their good luck must get to know last week's big lottery winner, Bunky Bartlett. He's a Wiccan, which means he worships the sun and the moon, and apparently cheeseburger. And now he's $48 million richer. If that's not God saying, "Let's try a new position to keep things fresh," I don't know what is.

New Rule:

Being weak-willed is not the same as being gay. Senator Larry Craig now says he may have been a little hasty in announcing his intention to resign. "Everybody was yelling at me, so I just went along!" He made the same excuse for pleading guilty in the first place. "It was a mistake! I was just trying to make it all go away!" Maybe this guy is not even gay. Maybe he's just a people-pleaser. "Plead guilty? Sure thing! Resign? If you say so. Blow me between flights? Oh, okay--just to put the whole matter behind us!"

Speaking of which, New Rule: the "tapping your foot under the stall" joke is already old, people. You can't go into a public bathroom stall anymore without someone sticking their foot under your stall and tapping it as a joke! Which is annoying, because now I can't tell which offers are real.

And finally, New Rule: If you want to bring Jesus to the unbelievers, you can't be surprised if you get the same reception he did. This past weekend, the Taliban in Afghanistan finally released 19 South Korean missionaries after weeks of negotiations, a $20 million ransom and several warnings to "buy something or get out!" Now, here's a little tip for missionaries: if you want to get people to believe in your god, make sure he can do something really impressive like not let you get kidnapped! Because, Muslim extremists are generally a) Muslim, and b) extremists!

No matter how many times you ask a Jihadi, "What would Jesus do," his answer is always, "Convert."

And why are there still Christian missionaries anyway? I'm pretty sure everyone has at least heard about Jesus by now. So it comes down to arrogance. Walking into Taliban country with a smile and a cross is like crashing a party at Jay-Z's house and popping on a Kenny Chesney CD. "Oh, once they hear this, they'll change their mind about what good music is. Come on, it's the 'Ches-NUT!'"

And it's that kind of naive certainty that led a certain current U.S. president to also stumble blindly into the Middle East with good intentions and no prayer of success. Bush didn't need to check with experts or historians. He knew he was right, a point confirmed in the new book about him, appropriately titled, Dead Certain, the first attempt at burnishing the Bush legacy, or as it used to be called, "polishing a turd."

In the book, President Bush goes on and on about how his certainty about Iraq is not just for show. "Oh, I'm not pretendin' to have my head up my ass. It's really up there!" And the message you hear from Bush apologists these days is, "Oh, sure, short-term Bush may have f@#ked everything up, but he's thinking long-term, 100 years into the future."

Well, thank you, George W. Nostradamus. America's first science fiction president. I'm sure when Americans are all flying around in jet packs and eating Soylent Green, they'll be building statues in your honor. You know, it must feel good to be dead certain about everything. But it's not a virtue. Especially when you're ALWAYS WRONG!

Bertrand Russell said, "The trouble with the world is the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt." And then rewrote that quote 56 more times. Doubt, for lack of a better word, is good. It suits human nature. Doubt is what makes you careful. Doubt is what makes you open to change. Doubt is why Eddie Murphy took a DNA test.