My mortality cramps my style...

[itisstarry]

My nerves are jangling folks. On monday I had the distinct joy of being subjected to my very first biopsy at the tender age of 28. Now, I am realistic, and I know that there is a very good chance that nothing is wrong with me. My minds reputation for overanalyzing, and planning, for the worst possible outcomes is well know, if only to myself and a few others who know me on a more intimate level.  My irrational (or is it?) fear was only compounded by the message from Kaiser when I arrived home from work tonight.  The nurse on the other end of the line sounds forboding, concerned. "Jessica, this is jenny from Kaiser, Please call us at your earliest convenience. our office hours are..." Perhaps she has just had a long day, and her weariness is creeping into her voice. Perhaps she is just talking in a normal tone of voice, and I am just reading into it. I recognize these possibilities. My mind, however, chooses this moment to act independently of my will. "you have cancer" it says."there message was vague because they did not want to tell you over the phone. You are going to get sick, and not be able to take care of your kids. You are going to be bald at your wedding. You are going to have to stop working and lose your insurance, plummeting into a world of medical debt and bankrupcy. You are going to feel tired and crappy for the rest of your short short life". My mind is mean, and not rational in the slightest when thrown into this state. Thank god I talked myself out of the pit of despair. I just keep repeating to myself, "the nurse was tired, and they just want to assure you that you are fine as can be, and healthy". It should be an interesting weekend in this my head, though, as by the time I got this message the office was closed, and I can't call back till monday. Until then I imagine the warzone in my head will keep me distracted....now excuse me while I go google articles on living with cervical cancer...or look up fun decoration ideas for my wedding. Depends which of my many mindsets speaks the loudest in the next hour....

[WatchGirl29]

Sep. 22, 2007 at 3:24 PM

Oh hun I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I had a biopsy done right after the birth of my daugher.  It was nothing it was precancerous and we have done the regular PAP's since and everything has cleared up on it's own.  It was scary though.  I had just given birth 2 months prior, buried my 27 yr. old brother the week before and this was definately not what I had wanted to be going through.  Especially didn't want to put my mother through it since she had just lost her son.  I played the same game in my head.  It was a battlezone in there.  What was I going to do.  What treatments was I going to contemplate.  My kids oh my God my kids.... I am a think the worse type person cause then generally in life it is NEVER as bad as I had imagined. 

My heart goes out to you while you wait.  I know Monday can't come soon enough, but then you think can we put it off forever.  My thoughts are with you and your family and please let me know if there is ANYTHING else I can do for you.  Even if just to talk,  (((((HUGS)))) 

[janagain]

Sep. 22, 2007 at 6:44 PM

I wish you the best of luck.  I, too, went through this.  It sucked b@!!s.  It ended up like the post above me, where it went away on its own.  I've been  having fem issues lately, but I am reminding myself that for the most part, Kaiser likes to be safe rather than sorry, and they are probably some of the best doctors to have on your side.

 Keep in mind that your sisters here are thinking of you, and we look forward to hearing that your discussion on Monday is a positive one.  Enjoy your weekend, and don't think about anything but your lovely family.

 /hugs

Jan 

[lovedovemom27]

Oct. 7, 2007 at 10:40 PM Hang in there. I had a couple of coposcopys in the past but it turned out to be non-cancerous. I understand all about overanalyzing and allowing your biggest fears to take over but just try to get out of your head for a bit. Try, really try to focus on other things, Hope all goes well. I wish you the best.

[AyurVeda]

Dec. 31, 2007 at 11:02 AM

I want you to know this.

I had the biopsy.  I had the cancer cells.   They are gone now.   I'm fine, I got over it, it's done....and it's a long forgotten peice of history.

Don't let your fear talk you into a tizzy.   Cancer is no more serious than the flu.  It's nonesense.  Do NOT fear it.  You'll be fine.  I promise you, you'll be fine!  And we'll soon enjoy doughnuts while waiting for the Staten Island ferry!  

(((((Hugs)))  

:) 

[isis1736]

Jan. 30, 2008 at 9:55 PM Keep your head up and I know you are scared but you have people here to support you.  Good luck!