I need opinions and feed back on this essay...

[SingingMomof2]

This is an essay for a scholarship i'm entering in..the topic someone who has a had a great impact on you life...I kind of went the opposite direction in what they are probably use to, to hopefully grab their attention. Let me know what you all think.

Dad: If You Can Call Him That

  

The person who has had the greatest impact on my life was my father.  I’m pretty sure you expect me to write about what an exceptional father he was and things to that degree, but that’s the one thing I won’t do.

My parents divorced when I was 10 months old.  From that time until now at the age of twenty-three, I’ve only seen my biological father, Mark, five to ten times.  He would make promises to call, to come by, to watch me play softball, or to come hear me sing in choir.  He never once showed up.  He made these promises throughout my entire life. My mom and my step-dad (the man I call my dad and that raised me since I was two-and-a-half) were always there giving me love and support and trying to fix what Mark had broke…My heart. I never understood why he didn’t love me.

Due to his actions, or lack there of, I was always trying to figure out what I did to be ignored by him.  In every aspect of my life I would always push myself to achieve greatness. When I was younger, I did this to prove to my father I was worth loving. I do that now because I want to be a great role model for others and my kids. I can thank him for not being in my life because his absence has pushed me to be the better person I am today.

 

[Tesnonian]

Oct. 5, 2007 at 10:40 PM I think this is really good! You are right I think it will really stand out. They did say to tell of someone who had a great impact and you gave them that! For sure!! Very good job! Good luck!

[LawanaM]

Oct. 6, 2007 at 1:18 AM I agree, I think you went in a different but good direction, and that it will make them take a bit more time with it. The only thing I can say is that you used the wrong form of "their". Due to his actions, or lack their of Should be "there" I believe. (sorry that's the OCD coming out.)

[SingingMomof2]

Oct. 6, 2007 at 8:37 AM I fixed it ..thanks.

(Original Poster)

[ILuvMyTwins05]

Oct. 6, 2007 at 11:31 AM I really like it! It HAS impacted your life...and in a possitive way.  You wouldnt be the strong kinda woman you are if it wasnt for him being a douch bag.

[cjblack]

Oct. 6, 2007 at 2:23 PM Very good! I would change broke to broken  though.