I've had a rough few days and I need to write about it.
To start off with, I have $12,000 in tuition debt right now. That's not counting student loans. That's just what I owe the school right now.
We moved out of our campus apartment last weekend, with the understanding that we had untill the 19th to get everything out and get settled. I had the wrong understanding. Turns out, we had to have everything taken care of by last Friday. It was my fault, because I knew I was supposed to call and set up a walk through. I couldn't do that because my cell doesn't get service at our house, and I have to go about half a mile away to get service. My husband is gone with the car most of the day, and so I would have to walk in the heat at seven months pregnant to call anyone. I know, excuses excuses. These are just the circumstances I'm in.
They changed the locks so we couldn't get what was left. They took half the stuff that was in there (it wasn't much, but still). And now because we didn't do what we were supposed to on time, we probably aren't going to get our deposit back.
And it's all my fault because I've been so absentminded lately.
My boss just cut my hours down to one day a week. He thought he was doing me a favor because I am seven months pregnant and can't be on my feet that much. We needed that money. We needed it badly.
I feel really crappy about myself right now because I feel ugly and useless and of course fat. I know none of that is true and my husband says that carrying his child is the most sexy thing in the world. If that's the case, though, I wonder why we haven't had sex in three weeks, and I feel like I've had to beg for it for the last three months.
We used to be such passionate people. We had purpose and reason for existence. Now it seems as if we only exist.
We talked about it last night for a long time (I'm sure lack of sleep has something to do with my being so upset). We both feel as if we've lost our identity. He quit school to move up here and marry me. He wants to be a teacher, but he's working in an envelope factory right now, not sure when he can go back to school. I am called to youth ministry, and I know that. I had to quit school because I couldn't handle it anymore. I will start taking classes in January to finish my ordination, but I can't right now. Besides that, I feel like I don't relate to the teens in our church anymore. I used to connect really well with them, but I haven't in a long time. I've always found my identity in what I did, what I could accomplish. That's who I was. But now I'm not accomplishing anything, and I don't know who I am anymore.
There's this cat.
He's a white cat that roams around our neighborhood. He's homeless, hungry, and flea-ridden. He's been on our porch for the last two days, staring at me and meowing everytime I walk out the door. I know it's stupid. But I feel like if I could take care of that cat, then everything would be okay. I feel like that would give me some sort of purpose, and then I could figure out who I was. I had a meltdown last night, and I spent an hour crying to God. I think I feel that way for a reason. I think that cat is "the least of these" in my life right now. I think God is going to use that cat to teach me a lesson about Him and who He wants me to be.
Maybe then I won't feel so useless. Or maybe I'm supposed to be realizing how useless I really am.
Whatever the reason, I think God wants me to take care of the cat.
So I will.
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