How to Properly Wipe Your Butt!
Step by Step Instructions on Proper Be-hind Hygiene


1) Be sure you squeezed out ALL the poo that needs to come out. Bring some reading material like the Bible and take your time. There are some things that should NEVER be rushed or cut short and this is one of them.

2) Shake any big hangers off your butt (or butt hair) before even standing up.

3) Be sure to stand so that you can get a good firm reach and inspect your work. You don't see a mechanic working on the front end of a car engine sitting down do you? NO, he needs to see what the heck he's doing! You may need to do some stretches to loosen up, especially your wiping arm so you can get a good reach. If you still can't reach... well for crying out loud it's time to lose some weight!
 
4) Roll up a decent sized wad of TP in your right hand or left hand depending which one is your favored arm. Bend over slightly and wipe in front to back motion. Use the other hand to spread your butt cheek a bit for a more effective swipe.

5) As long as it's not a ghastly amount of poo on the TP, fold it over and wipe again. Toss into toilet. You will want to flush after another wipe batch or two to prevent plugging it up. It's also less smell pollution for the next bathroom user. As the golden rule goes: "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you..." (Mathew 7:12). If you're worried about water consumption just take a slightly shorter shower, turn the water off when you brush your teeth or are washing the dishes, etc.
A side note: I understand that in some countries they don't have the flush capabilities that developed countries have. If you are able though...PLEASE, do NOT put your poo stained TP the waste basket!
 
6) Repeat process with more pressure and slight circular movements applied deeper into butt-hole as there is less brown on the TP. As you get to there being little or none left on the TP, you are now ready to apply a small amount of water to it (before wiping of course). You may also choose to add a small amount of moisturizing hand soap. This will of course need to be followed up by with a wet batch of TP which contains no soap to prevent skin irritation/ drying. Another reccomended method is to use baby wipes.

7) Wipe with wet TP as many times as necessary to remove any remaining residue.

8) Follow up with one last swipe with a smaller dry bundle. You now have a clean butt hole that will not emit an offensive odor.

9) Take a daily bath or shower to scrub and flush out your butt hole with soap and water. Good job! Your fellow man/ woman will be truly glad and your social/business/love life will undoubtedly improve. A little practice in discipline and it will become a very healthy habit. We thank you for reading this site and helping this world to be a more pleasant place, one less stinky butt at a time!

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Comments:

princ...
Oct. 15, 2007 at 1:20 PM LMAO...did you write this???

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Becca...
Oct. 15, 2007 at 8:37 PM Are you having trouble with people not wiping their but?

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just_...
Oct. 16, 2007 at 6:32 PM LMAO  is all I can say!!!

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ginac...
Oct. 29, 2007 at 10:31 PM Oh my god... how funny I just think that is the most Hillarious thing ever written....

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