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Love and Logic Parenting
- Oct 16, 2007 at 2:53 PM
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- Comments (13) Total Views (450) Everyone can see this journal post.
First, let me say that I don't get paid by these people nor do I get free merchandise. I don't get anything from them but peace of mind. This has really worked for us. I don't want to sound like a commercial, but this is what it is and how we use it.
We use the Love and Logic (L&L) method of parenting (www.loveandlogic.com). You can get the books at the library. They are great. Basically, you let your children have more control and make decisions now, when it isn't as big of a deal, but you also let them deal with the consequences of their decision. I have twin tweens – one with major attitude and the other who is slow-moving except when she wants something. This method works on both of them.
The first thing that we did was eliminated the bedtime stress by telling them that they could start going to sleep whenever they wanted to. But, there were a few rules. (1) They needed to each be in their own room by 7:30 p.m. every evening. (2) They have to be quiet so we don’t see them, hear from them, or hear what they were doing unless it is an emergency. (3) They have to be up on time and ready on time the following morning. (4) If they are tired the next day, they have to deal with the consequences. We told them that we need “our time” – whether we choose to watch TV in the family room, have a snack in the kitchen, go to bed – it doesn’t matter. They have their time and we have our time. This has worked incredibly well even though, once in a while they complain that 7:30 p.m. is too early.
The best part about L&L is how it has changed the tween attitudes and “horror-mone” reactions.
For example, for the daughter with attitude, one morning she was back talking with the eye rolling and nasty comments, etc. We told her that she had a choice (it's all about choices - you just have to be willing to live with either one they choose) - she could lose the attitude or miss swimming lessons. So, of course, she rolled her eyes, sighed, put her hands on her hips, and moaned under her breath. My husband said that he was sorry that she'd chosen to miss her swim lesson (a big part of the method is empathy). She got indignant and insisted that she hadn't made up her mind yet. He said that she had when she didn't change her attitude. She kept arguing and he said that he loved her too much to argue with her (another method) and that she could go to her room until she was willing to talk to him calmly (another method). The rest of us left for swimming lessons and she stayed home with him. He had to explain to her several more times that she made her choice when she chose to not change her attitude. It worked!!! Now, when she gives us a nasty attitude, we tell her that she has a choice and usually it is either improve your attitude or go to your room until it changes.
Another example, for the slow-moving daughter is that she forgot to set her alarm one morning shortly after school started. When I woke her up, I told her that I wasn’t going to do it again and she’d have to deal with the consequences. The following week, she again forgot to set her alarm and this time I let her sleep. She woke up 10 minutes after the bus left and started running around getting ready for school. I told her that she could take her time because I wouldn’t be dropping her off at school until I was finished with what I had to do in the morning. So, I got the baby dressed, fed her breakfast, got her cleaned up, and was then ready to take my older daughter to school. I told her that I would keep track of the mileage so that she could reimburse me the IRS rate for gas and wear and tear on the vehicle. (The current rate is $.585/mile.) I also told her that, since it was the first time, I wouldn’t charge her for my time but the next time I would. She told me that I’d have to come in to the school to sign her in and I told her that I wasn’t doing that (I had already called the school and told them what was going on and they told me to just drop her off so that she’d have an unexcused tardy). She insisted that I HAD to, and I calmly told her that it wasn’t my place to explain to them that she’d overslept, it was hers. So, I did as I said and her teacher let her off of the hook - this time. That was several weeks ago and she hasn’t been late since.
Believe me when I tell you that we were skeptical about anything working. We had tried everything with our older daughters. We were at our wits’ end unsure of what to do next. The Love and Logic Parenting Method has worked wonders for us.
Additional Note: Another method that we've begun using - and this one is a lot of fun also - is the "Energy Drain." It works like this - every time they do something that "drains" your energy, and you define what that is, you moan and say "energy drain." Then, the child has to do something that will replenish your energy; it doesn't have to be right away and I've found that the longer you leave the energy drain out there, the more good it does, just don't forget about it and let them off the hook. Replenishing your energy could be helping around the house, washing the car, or (if you're in a good mood) just going to their room and being very quiet until you come to get them out. It is wonderful. I've gotten to the point where I only have to moan and they either stop what they were doing that drained my energy or I hear, "shhhhhh - we're draining mom's energy." I've even heard one daughter say to the other, "I'm closing my door and not talking to you for a while before this gets worse and we drain mom's energy." Some examples of what we've had them do to replenish our energy - take out the trash (not their regular day to do it); wash the laundry room floor; clean the grill; and weed (they HATE this one). I also used this the other day when they refused to clean up their playroom. Not only did I get rid of everything they didn't put away (most of it was trash anyway) but I told them that I used my energy doing something they were supposed to do so now they had to pay back the energy since I was left without enough energy to do what I needed to do. They weren't happy about that at all.
UPDATE October, 2009: We are still using L&L with our now teenagers as well as our 3 year old. It still works. My toddler will even say, "What are my choices?" As for the teenagers, we find ourselves saying (quite often), "Would you like to change your attitude or go to your room until it changes?" Sometimes they spend a lot of time running up and down the stairs to their rooms but that's good exercise - lol.
Comments:
I was part of the first classes to be taught years ago in my area. I was a supervisor for a residential group home for troubled teens and we're the ones that brought L&L to our community and taught it.
L&L works for us with our special needs son 90% of the time. The other 10% is when his brain just cannot process the thinking skills due to traumatic brain injuries. I highly recommend and promote L&L.
Natural consequences is what it's about. The schools are in the surrounding area here are implimenting L&L. The ones using it are already seeing a positive difference in the staff stress and reduce behaviour referrals.
i took this class at a MOPS group and cannot WAIT to use it on my twins. OK, so they are only 18 months old, but we do use some of the L&L techniques on them already. I think when they turn 3, I'll totally turn on the L&L because I'll have another set of 1 yr old twins to ddeal with too! Talk about an energy drain!!
PS - I've used a few techniques on my husband!! IT WORKED!
I am a Parent educator at our elementary school and I held a five week "Love and Logic" workshop for all parents of children birth to 5th grade. It was a huge success!
For birth to 5 age, the book, "Magic of Early Childhood, Love and logic" I used ideas on my daughter when she was 13. I love the books! I would recommend Love and Logic for everyone.
Dig in Ladies, (www.loveandlogic.com). Tulip40 is right on target!!!
Thank you so much hun. Now I understand. I am thinking in a couple of weeks I am going to order the tiny kids set (I think that's what it's called) Thank you so much for explaining it to me!!!
The principal at our daughters christian school reccomended the book. I am about 1/2 though. Good stuff.
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This Nevada mom of two - who are just 18 months apart! - is married to her high school sweetheart and loves to craft in her free time.
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