When it rains it pours

[mendedrose]

Tonight at 8:45pm I got a phone call that almost took me out. My gramma's boyfriends daughter called me to tell me that my gramma died tonight. She was all alone at home and the paramedics think that it was a heart attack. I have now lost both of my "moms". I find it amazing that I am able to breathe and able to walk and able to do anything. My gramma raised me and was going to be there when this baby came into this world only now she is gone. She is nothing but a memory that I will have to try my hardest to hold onto. I no longer have a "mom" to call when my son has a 102 temp or to call when I am not feeling well. I no longer have my "mom" to call when I have questions about being a mom myself. She is gone. It feels like one of those moments like was she even here? I thought things couldn't get worse and here was God to prove to me that it can. I don't know what to do from here. I don't know where to go. I am 22 yet I am still a baby in need of her mommy and now I have neither. I feel like I am left with nothing. I know I have my children and I have my husband and sister and my loved ones but my gramma was my rock and I was hers. No matter the fight we always talked like nothing happened. Yes she is in a better place. She is now rejoined with my mother in Heaven. She wanted to be there so bad and now she is no longer hurting. She has eyes to see and is now healthy. Yesterday was the last day I saw my gramma and yesterday was the last time that I talked to her. I will never be able to talk to her again, at least until the day I die. My son has no idea that the woman that she loved so dearly is gone. He is to little to know, which may be a good thing. I talked to my husband and once everything is finalized and my sister and I get her possessions we will be moving. Medford, OR took my mother and now my gramma. There is nothing left here for me to stay. I have my little sister but she can take care of her own or move with us. I just cant bear to live here anymore. I am sorry if I end up talking about this a lot but it is just so hard for me. My gramma was my hero and was my mom and is now gone. I ask for prayers and as much good thoughts as all you can muster to give me and my family strength. And I also ask that of all the things you choose to say, which I know nobody can really know what to say, don't tell me "it is going to be ok". I would rather not hear it. Things are not ok nor will they be ok for a while. Eventually they will be but I am not in an it will be ok or an it's ok kind of stage in my grief. Any and all other comments are welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

[sastina]

Oct. 18, 2007 at 6:07 AM

I'm sorry your going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  You have a tough road ahead of you and I wish you the best.  No matter what age you are, losing your mother/grandmother is never easy.  My grandmother passed away almost a year ago, and I still cry when I think about her.  We were very close and I miss sharing the experiences of motherhood with her.  She never met my little girl and for that I will always be remorseful.

Big hugs to you and your family.

[FJJ]

Oct. 18, 2007 at 6:12 AM Jessica, I am new to my space and decided to join so I could share pictures with my 27 yr.
old daughter. As I browsed the options, I came across your journaling. Wow. I am so sorry
that you have to go through this terrible loss of your gramma. I can't even imagine how
your hurt, and tremendous sadness must feel. As I read your comments I felt like you were
a little lost girl that I wanted to help. But all I can do is let you know that I heard you and
I wish I was able to help more than that.

Several of my favorite people have passed and sometimes I talk to them. I believe they hear
me. My father loved to gamble. This may sound terrible, but sometimes when I go play
the slots and I win, I feel as though my dad is sitting with me and may even help me.

If you can grab a quiet moment you might try chatting with your gramma and let her
know how very sad you are and how you will miss her. I'm betting she will hear you.
I will include you and your family in my prayers tonight. God Bless. FJJ

[BBgal]

Oct. 18, 2007 at 8:35 AM My god jessica I'm so sorry . I won't try to say I understand because although I have lost a grandparent this woman was like a mother to you. All i can say is my thoughts and prayers are with you. After all you have been through these past few weeks something good is bound to come your way.

[cutebaby06]

Oct. 18, 2007 at 12:56 PM

WOW I'M SO SORRY Jessica.May GOD comfort you and guide you and watch over you and your family. 

[Jaimeslove]

Jan. 5, 2008 at 11:14 PM

I know your exact feelings.  It's been a year since my grandmothers passing, not having her and never knowing my mom really. Not to have either of them - I know. My feelings are the same who do I call, who will give me advice, who will love my child the same as I do, who will give me that special look that will automatically let me know that everything is and will be alright. I know.

I am still waiting for the "it will pass, it will be ok, the pain will lessen stage". I am angry, still in shock and am feeling so many other feelings that I don't think words have been invented to describe.

People don't realize what it is, but please know that you are not alone in it.