Follow up to my post - THE NONVIOLENT CHRISTIAN PARENT

[ameee]

I think there has been some misconception to what I am saying in my post. I am NOT saying that children should not be punished. I feel it is our duty and responsiblity to guide and lead them. I just don't feel the punishment should be in a "physical" form. Just as if I do something wrong at work or in society, I am punished but someone doesn't have to hit me to make me understand that it was wrong.  

There are plenty of ways of punishing a child without hitting them, here are a few....

Understand and fully accept your role. You are the parent in charge. You are the role model in chief, so how you behave is important, too. You decide on the rules. You decide what's important, what is non-negotiable — such as a safety rule — and what can be overlooked.

 

At the same time, respect your child. Validate your child's feelings; don't ever ridicule or demean your child.

 

Learn to read your child's signals and pay attention to your child's biorhythms. Then you will be able to prevent many problems caused by fatigue or hunger. Recognize when your child has anger or stress, and teach your child how to handle these states.

 

Understand enough about child development so you don't expect a particular type of behavior before your child is developmentally ready.

 

Try to be consistent. Although consistency never can be absolute (parents are people, and people feel differently at different times and are different from each other), it helps the child learn parental expectations if you're as consistent as possible.

 

Use your child's desire to please you. Your approval is more valuable than anything else.

 

Give your child choices whenever possible, because this helps the child with future decision-making. The long-range goal of discipline is that your child will choose to do the right thing when you're not around.

 

Use environmental control. This includes everything from childproofing you home when your kids start to crawl to making the atmosphere of your house as quiet and calm as possible.

 

Use the three best weapons parents have to redirect a young child before discipline is needed: Ignore mildly bad stuff, such as siblings squabbling but not hurting each other; distract the child from an unwanted action; and remove the child from the scene of brewing trouble.

Talk right

 

Communicate your expectations clearly.

 

Keep the volume of your voice down.

 

Don't say too much! State the rule, state what you expect, and then zip it.

 

Be specific in your criticism and praise. Say "You didn't make your bed," not "You were bad today, and I had to make your bed." Say "You cleaned up your room without being asked; that's being responsible."

 

Make rules specific and understandable. Rules must be brief, developmentally appropriate and enforceable. Don't use warnings such as "If you hit him one more time, you'll have to go to your room!" A rule never should be broken.

 

Master the "effective command." Be close, be concise, start with the child's name, and use a commanding facial expression, but speak softly. There's no need to say "please," because it's a command. Example: "Jeremy, stop hitting your sister."

 

Use humor — it helps.

 

Think before you speak.

Do no harm!

 

Don't spank. Don't give a verbal spanking (put-downs, screaming, sarcasm, threats, nagging).

 

Don't compare children, because both favorable and unfavorable comparisons can be hurtful.

 

Don't assign roles. Avoid phrases such as "He's the stubborn one!"

 

Don't be a model for unwanted behavior. (Your child's brain is like a VCR tape — what the child saw you do could be there forever!)

 

Don't ever threaten to withhold your love. This is terrifying to children.

 

Don't be afraid of disciplining your child using the correct strategies. All children need intelligent, informed parenting, even when they protest or grumble.

I have 3 kids (15, 10 and 8) and I have applied all of these techniques. My kids are PROOF that you do not have to spank in order to raise good, loving and respectful children. My goal here is to simply be a voice for children, educate parents and offer an alternative to spanking.

 The phrase "Spare the rod and spoil the child" is not from the Bible but from Samuel Butler's "Hudibras", a 17th Century satirical poem. The poem, like his novel, The Way of All Flesh, was written to expose and denounce violence against children. 

While the "rod" is mentioned many times in the Bible, it is only in the Book of Proverbs that this word is used in connection with parenting. The book of Proverbs is attributed to Solomon, an extremely cruel man whose harsh methods of discipline led his own son, Rehoboam, to become a tyrannical and oppressive dictator who only narrowly escaped being stoned to death for his cruelty. In the Bible there is no support for harsh discipline outside of Solomon's Proverbs. By contrast, the writings in the Gospels, the most important books in the Bible for Christians, contain the teachings of Jesus Christ, who urged mercy, forgiveness, humility, and non-violence. Jesus saw children as being close to God, and urged love, never punishment.³

[MichelleLPSchel]

Oct. 22, 2007 at 2:18 PM This should be posted in the non-spanking forum as well.  It is useful.

[proverbsmommy4]

Oct. 22, 2007 at 3:18 PM

I didn't know there was a non-spanking forum.  I'll have to check that out. : ) 

Also, I should have added, I'm a babywearing momma who just LOVES my lil man cuddling with me as I do my work. I have also noted, that he is more independent than my firs three that I didn't "babywear," he's happier, he's more self confident, and by "wearing" him in a wrap or sling, I'm able to get things done and I limit telling him "no no no no" because he doesn't get bored with me doing housework, and therefore, doesn't get into things that he shouldn't.

He is 25 months old, and he's NEVER put things in his mouth that he wasn't supposed to. I  didn't even have to teach him that.  He just doesn't.  I didn't teach him to pick up his toys either, but he does as soon as he's done playing. 

He comforts his brothers when they are upset, and he shares with other children easily.

He also goes to his Sunday school class happy to go learn and play, and happy to see me when church is done.

All of which, is normally unheard of for a child this age.   I truly believe the babywearing concept is responsible.  He never is pulling at my legs saying ,"up, up, up" because he gets his mommy love meter filled while in the wrap.  When he's tired of being in the wrap, he says, "down, walk" then I take him out and he goes to play.  : )  But first thing in the morning, I always take him straight from the crib, into his wrap, then I get his diapers, change of clothes, breakfast, etc, then he gets out to be changed, bathed, fed, whatever. 

Everyone comments they've never seen such a polite, loving, affectionate, confident child at this age.  : )

Oh and he has yet to be spanked......which, of coarse, will not happen and Lord help my in laws if they dare to go against those wishes.

[proverbsmommy4]

Oct. 22, 2007 at 3:22 PM

Also, about keeping your voice down, in your posting here, I believe that is CRUCIAL. 

A great example is a monestary.  Have you ever visited one?  If so, you notice everything is quiet and the entire building is peaceful.  You may find yourself whispering, without even meaning to.  It's like second nature.  Kinda like in a library.  You automatically whisper. 

When children come home to a home where voices are kept down (I also have worship music or classical soft music playing in the background 24/7 to help with the mood of the home), they tend to adapt to the environment.  : ) 

Unfortunately, I used to get so angry that I had to keep repeating myself (before I even had the "soft voices" rule in the home).  I kept feeling like people weren't listening.  I was speaking in my normal voice.......then I realized, God just gave me a softer voice that's harder to hear, so sometimes, I have to speak up louder so others can hear me. 

I think my softer voice was God's gift to my husband and children.  :)

[belladonna777]

Oct. 22, 2007 at 3:33 PM this really is great and is pretty much how I raise my children.  I feel kind of on the outs since it has to do with non violent "Christian" parenting, but to me the key word is PARENTING.  I know it is because I am kind and soft and gentle, that my children are kind and soft and gentle.  Which is not to say we dont have problems, 2 of them are small boys lol.  But I teach by example and by the theory that children WANT to be like their parents.  They ARE eager to please and be praised and softly guided.

[tcoursey]

Oct. 22, 2007 at 3:50 PM And after all of this is done...and my child still acts up....I spank!

[LilMommaXoXoB]

Oct. 22, 2007 at 5:19 PM

Great posts hun!

I will say this

Coming from an abusive relationship and having been spanked... I do not want my daughter to ever think that someone who loves her can acceptably hit her.

Also a good portion of these times kids are just crying out for attention. Parents should dedicate a little more time to their children if they seem to be acting out often.

I have noticed in so many posts pertaining to spanking "if they run into the road" or "if its a dangerous situation"... I am sorry but these just don't fly with me. If you're near a road keep a better eye on your children. They shouldn't have the opportunity to run into the road. If parents would give their children more affection and attention they would spend less time hitting them... IMO

 

Thanks again for the posts

[naomi65233]

Oct. 22, 2007 at 6:50 PM

 

 

 

LilMommaXoXoB Oct. 22, 2007 at 11:19 PM

Great posts hun!

I will say this

Coming from an abusive relationship and having been spanked... I do not want my daughter to ever think that someone who loves her can acceptably hit her.

Also a good portion of these times kids are just crying out for attention. Parents should dedicate a little more time to their children if they seem to be acting out often.

I have noticed in so many posts pertaining to spanking "if they run into the road" or "if its a dangerous situation"... I am sorry but these just don't fly with me. If you're near a road keep a better eye on your children. They shouldn't have the opportunity to run into the road. If parents would give their children more affection and attention they would spend less time hitting them... IMO

 

 

 BTW I do keep a good eye on my children. How dare you even open your mouth and suggest that. I have six kids and sometimes all it takes is turning your back for a second becuase someone just fell off their bike or whatever. I give my children all the attention they could ever want or need. I go to every game they have. I am the number one fan. I read with them, I color with them, I do arts and crafts with them. We do our nails together, we have food fights. etc etc.

So dont sit there and say that just because we spank our children, it is because they are lacking in attention. My children get good grades, A's and B's. They get all kinds of awards from honor roll, to sports, to citizens of the month.

I too was in abusive relationships, from one bad marriage to being physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abused. I didnt rebel, drop out, and I got good grades. I spank my children, because they need to know that there are consequences for every action. Whether it be a spanking, time-out, or getting things taken away.  The Bible says, (not I said), that if you love your children, you discipline them and you do it quickly. If you dont like what God has to say, you can take it up with Him, when you are standing face to face before Him.

What doesnt fly with me is the lack of morals in this country due to a lack of discipline in our homes. When does it come time to be accountable as parents and children accountable to their parents. You wonder why more kids are acting out, it is because of the attitudes this country has towards discipline. We dont want little Johnny thinking we dont like him, so we will let him get away with everything he wants to get away with.Little Susie was just spanked so mommy and daddy must be tyrrants . Evil mean, vicious people, who are so self absored in themselves and dont have time for you. That is the biggest bunch of crap I have ever heard. We are the parents not the other way around. Spanking your child doesnt mean you hate them, or dislike them, or dont have time for them. Each of us are held accountable for training a child in the way that they should go, as for my household we will continue to discipline as WE see fit, not as society see fits. If that makes people mad, then so be it. They are my children, my responsiblity AND I will be the one giving an account of MY actions on Judgement Day.

 

I

[GummiMama]

Oct. 23, 2007 at 10:48 AM

I don't think that there really is a "one size fits all" approach to discipline.  It's all a matter of what works best for you and your child.  For instance, if you have a hot temper, and are prone to "losing it", then chances are that spanking isn't the best idea for you, or your child. (generic "you")

I was definately over-spanked as a child.  I've always been the kind of person that, if I'm doing something wrong, and you tell me about it, I'll stop.  That's just how I'm wired.  But my parents didn't take the time to find that out.  Instead, here comes the belt or switch or what have you.  It was totally unnecessary.

So when I had my kids, I was determined to find the best way to reach them.  And, for my kids, non-spanking discipline is what works most of the time.  Spanking (NEVER on a bare bottom, or with anything but an open hand) is that absolute last resort...and it's been at LEAST 6 months since that happened.

Like anything else with parenting...it's all about making the best choices for your individual child, and for you.   

[LilyA4A]

Oct. 23, 2007 at 6:48 PM this is very well put!! I totally agree! I am a christian too. I don't believe that God meant for us to abuse our children. Patience is key.

[naomi65233]

Oct. 23, 2007 at 10:51 PM

No I think you misread it for passion and  conviciton. I dont anger easy at all. I am passionate, very passionate about what the Word of God has to say and I am going to obey His word at all cost!! I WILL Not Compromise because this society says so. Gods word is clear on how we are to train our children and how we are to discipline them. There is no questioning what God really meant. His word is very clear and WE ARE  to follow it. You all seem to think that the rod means only a shephard staff, not so, there are other meanings as well do some serious studying and you will also find that a rod is a switch, vine off a tree, Where did Jesus get his beating at? What form of punishment did he have to take for us? He did nothing wrong but yet was beaten and bruised for our iniquities. I find it interesting that you would mention so countries like Italy, and Norway and Denmark. Yeah lets be like them, where drugs are legal, prostition is legal.  They sell their little ones for sex.They dont spank because everybody gets to do what they want. BTW my Mother was born over in Europe so I am very accustomed to their traditions.

I will not give him to society and their way of reasoning, if society was so great, why are there more rapes, murders, shootings, child predators, divorce, than there was even 20 years ago and nobody blinks an eye.  It is because of a lack of discipline, a lack of respect and reverence for Gods Word.  We have conformed to this world and have forgotten what the WORD of GOD has to say. Read the story of Jesus in the temple, when he went after the money changers, Read about all the times God used discipline to correct His children. Discipline Hurts. And I already know what Jesus would do, it is throughout His word. THank God he hasnt struck his Children dead yet for disobeying His word.

God is not mocked, We will all have to answer to him as to why we refused to follow his Word or tried to reason it, to fit not following it. to conform to mans way of thinking instead of Gods way of thinking. There will no be justification or reasoning when we are standing face to face before him on Judgement day. I really do feel sorry for alot of people!

I am okay, I dont let my past dictate my future. My future if full of forgiveness, my future is full of hope and I am not stuck in the past resenting my parents for spanking me. I dont resent my grandfather for sexually abusing me. Yeah I am 110 percent convinced that my kids are okay. Be disturbed all you want.  There is a big difference between abuse and spanking, Spanking brings correction and abuse is for ones owns sickly pleasure. I dont get pleasure from spanking my children, and I dont have to spank them that often, when I do, I feel the hurt just like they do. I know alot of people who dont spank their children and their children are a menace to society. I thank God that my children are the upstanding children that they are. They are well behaved, well-respected, well mannered. They help out our eldery neighbors with groceries,mowing, shoveling snow. I am a proud momma to children who have been spanked and are turning out to be GODLY men and women of God. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is pleased as well.

I am done with this,you will not change my mind about spanking, Gods words is what we are to follow from now until He comes back again. If people dont like it, so be it. AS for me and My house we will follow the BIBLE, even if that means persecution from everybody else.

Thanks for reminding me, just how full of passion I really am about the BIBLE!!