A New (Revisted?) Leaf

[JaimeWyn]

Ah, the places life takes us, and the experiences it throws our way.

I am a believer that everything in life happens for a reason, that nothing is an accident.  These things may happen as a result of our decision making, whether it be poor, or wise, but they all happen for a reason.

Life for me currently isn't what I would consider optimum.  In fact, I feel I'm hanging on to the bottom rung of the ladder, trying desperately to regain a foothold.  To coin a song lyric, "I'm held up so high, on such a breakable thread".

 I have recently relocated to Oklahoma City, from the Chicago area.  I'm originally from Oklahoma, Tulsa to be exact, but moved to Illinois to pursue a relationship, that ultimately didn't work out.  In fact, I feel I was not necessarily lied to, but important information omitted, that would have effected my decision making process to move there in the first place.  After being there for a year and a half it became ever increasingly clear I was being used, taken advantage of.  As I said, I believe everything happens for a reason.  Ultimately, the relationship dissolved which taught me some valuable lessons.  I feel however, the true reason for my going, was my finding my professional calling in life, the healthcare profession.  While there, I went to school and became a Nationally Certified Medical Assistant.  I Love what I do.  I love caring for my patients, and doing my best to help them, and make a positive impact on their lives.  This also opened the door to aspirations of becoming a Physicians Assistant, or perhaps a Natural Doctor.

The move back has proved to be anything but equitable to me.  I have not been able to find employment in my field, and I am barely scraping by with glorified minimum wage jobs.  I also have found it nearly impossible to make friends here, let alone a relationship more substantial than just platonic.  It's really ironic, you always hear how friendly and hospitable the southern states are......whatever!!!!  I found the people in the north to be far easier to talk to, meet, and befriend than those here.  I, however, will not give up. I refuse to give in and wallow in a "pity pot" of feeling sorry for myself.

Enter the new or possibly revisited leaf.  I know that before my move to Illinois, I was on a positive spiritual path, and my self growth was flourishing daily.  The new relationship not only stunted that growth, but I feel actually reverted it in some respects.  She didn't cause it, but her influence did contribute to my subconscious choices of letting my positive thought processes revert back to a negative nature.  Through copious amounts of soul searching (I've been alone since August, that's lots of time for self-reflection), I have become aware of these changes, and I'm bound and determined to refind my path on my spiritual trail.  I'm also determined to find  employment in my profession, and continue forward with it as well.

As I have said, I believe everything happens for a reason.  I think my loneliness bears reason as well.  Sure, sometimes it hurts like hell.  Sometimes I long so badly for someone to just hold me, and tell me everything will be ok.  I have newly realized that I must tolerate this loneliness in order to find my path again.  I can't be a positive factor in any relationship until I do find a solid foothold on this path, and continue my journey forward. The added obsticle to this, however, is the fact that I am a chronic hopeless romantic.  For now, I will have to be satisfied with living vicariously through others.  My oldest's relationship/engagement to her boyfriend, my #2 daughter's relationship with her girlfriend, and watching couples in love on my people watching adventures.

Will I ever find  true love?  I honestly don't know, but I do know this;  I will reaquire my position on the path to spiritual enlightenment.  Hopefully after enough trials, tribulations, and self-flagellation, my loving Goddess and God will deem me worthy of the reward of a loving partner who will follow this path with me, or at least support me in my journey.  In the meantime, contento rastro to me.

[gustinebrat]

Jun. 2, 2008 at 12:25 AM good luck