First time... my oldest son made me cry

[JoyceLynn]

Sure, I had cried before but this time was a totally different emotion.  (2004) Austin was 6 yrs old at the time & his brother Justin was 3.  Their dad & I had problems for years but this particular night, we had a pretty big argument, which I try my best not to do in front of the kids.  My littlest one was in the stage where he'd get up out of bed for any reason he could come up with unless I stayed in there until he went to sleep.  Since I didn't want to be in the same room with their dad anyhow (much less the same bed) & mentally exhausted, I wound up falling asleep while watching Justin go to sleep.  I worked full-time & took care of everything for my boys & also tried to keep the house up all without any help from the hubby who since that same year is my ex.  All he would do was yell at me about things I did wrong or how it didn't meet his expectations & point out everything that didn't get done but wouldn't lift a finger.... LOTS of mental abuse & after 13 yrs I'd decided I had enough but at the same time I didn't want to disturb the "family".  This particular night actually helped the toughest decision I ever had to make.

I woke up around 2 am, as I'd done many many times before, & went to the kitchen to try to get some chores done while everyone was asleep.  As I worked, I kept thinking about the previous events of the day, stood at the sink staring at the dirty dishes, sat down in the kitchen floor & started crying with my head on my knees.  I didn't notice that Austin had went past me to go to the bathroom & of course didn't expect anyone else to even be awake.  It startled me a bit but on his way back to bed, he stopped in the kitchen, put his arms around me & told me "Mommy, I'm so sorry that daddy made you cry."  Then he kissed my cheek, told each other our I love you's, & he went back to bed.  This brief moment made me realize how kids are able to make connections & how my unhappiness was affecting my children, even at such a young age.  I've always talked to my kids like I would anyone else just so they're not left wondering why things happen the way they do.  The following summer when he was 7 in the middle of the messy divorce, I had them for summer visitation & had some concerns about Austin's behavior & well-being.  My mom worked at a hospital, I told her what symptoms I'd noticed, we had some tests run & I had to put him in the hospital for juvenile diabetes.  I have to say that Austin is more grown up than alot of adults I know.  Raising children is not & never will be an easy task!  But after all that we've been through together, I have to remain strong so I can be there for them when they need me.

 

[countrymom]

Nov. 16, 2007 at 11:50 AM

I am so sorry to hear you had to go thru that. But glad to see you've gotten a handle on your life now.