-
How Am I today? - Not Any Better
- Nov 28, 2007 at 9:54 AM
- By
- Comments (18) Total Views (901) Everyone can see this journal post.
This was in a letter I shared with my best friend today and thought I would share what I am experiencing.
On a tv show (the mike and julia show) the day before yesterday there was a news clip on something called the Choking Game that kids are doing - I do not know if this is why my son is gone. What I do know and the school and family and friends know is that he was never sad or scared - he never drew or said a bad word and he was a clown. So NO it was not intentional but as far as proving his is why he is gone and where he may have heard about it and or saw - I amy never know. Just please share his story with your children to protect them.
I feel I have the right to cry and as much as need be.
I hate everyday and every moment of it.
I have unanswered questions that I basically have to suck up and just accept and that is wrong.
Why is this happening to us? Why did I lose my son at 7? Why did God allow him to go? Why did God not help the hospital to save him or for him to be caught?
Where did he see or learn this? What is my path?
Now I feel like I shouldn't even raise the other kids - I failed Eno - I could not deal with failing three other children. I am in fear all day and night and my nerves and heart feel like something bad is about to happen all the time. Like we are on a plane crashing.
Then it is hard since I can barely deal with my pain and then being surrounded by so many others that are suffering too.
This grief process is horrible. I just want to quit. I have faith in God and heaven and in my heart Eno is in heaven and out of pain and in the arms of God and warm and beautiful and smiling BUT when I drive by Walnut road and know he is there in the cold and dark ground and then the pain is more piercing. I am barely breathing and that is bad and then I feel like a coward because at moments I just want to go and be with him so he is not alone whereever he may be but I fear death and dont want my other sons to suffer so what do I do. All day everyay I feel as if I am doing wrong by them, that I am failing, that they hate me or have no love. I have nothing but constant fear and tears that well.
Everywhere I look there is a memory of Eno anything song I hear and any show I see. There is so much of him around me and now for him to be gone so abruptly its broken my heart.
So what do I do from here?
Comments:
Nov. 28, 2007 at 10:15 AM
I am so sorry for what has happened and I wish I could take the pain away...thankyou for your journal!
Nov. 28, 2007 at 10:21 AM
I have heard of this game. It has become a big thing in Middle Schools and High Schools now...If I am correct it is a pleasure thing...They don't know what they are doing could cause death. My prayers are still with you and your family!
Nov. 28, 2007 at 11:00 AM
I am so sorry love! Thought and prayers are with you and your family! Bright blessings!
Nov. 28, 2007 at 11:39 AM
Hun, I am so sorry you are going through this. But please know this was not your fault...you did not fail him. And you are a good mommy...your other kids love you and need you. It's ok to grieve....grieve as long as you need too. Even when you get over this horrible shock and return to a normal routine, you will still miss him. Just remember though, he will always be with you in your heart. I know we don't know each other very well, but if you ever want to talk , I am here for you...I'm a good listener.
Nov. 28, 2007 at 12:23 PM
Thank you for being strong enough, even in your time of immense grief, to share this with us. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad to see that youstill hold your faith in God. I don't know what to tell you, Iand I know that nothing I can say can really help you right now.
But, you are a wonderful mom, I know if you knew about what he was doing you would have done your all to prevent this. Your kids love you, I am sure they don't blame you. I am so sorry for your loss. We will be praying for you and your family.
~Heather
Nov. 28, 2007 at 12:57 PM
I am praying that you will find the strength and the courage to face each and everyday as it comes. I am sorry that you have had to do what no parent should, outlive their child. If I could take your pain away, for even a minute, I would do that.
Know that you are not alone, God is with you, and you are right, he has Eno with him in his arms. I am praying that you will find some peace and that someday the pain will not be as sharp.
Nov. 28, 2007 at 2:07 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a horrible, horrible feeling and I pray that your pain lessens some each day. I hope you find peace. My prayers are with you and your family.
Nov. 28, 2007 at 2:44 PM
Ya know, my sisters son died 2 months ago. He died at birth and I know that it doesnt compare to losing a child at age 7 but I remember how badly we hated the phrase "Im sorry" or "Im sorry for your loss", but its so hard to find something comforting to say. I am sorry that this has happened to you and your family and I strongly feel that you did not fail any of your children. Bad things happen to good people, I so wish it were different. I cant imagine how you must feel but my heart breaks with yours. I had never heard of this game and I have a daughter in middle school. But you can bet that we will talk about this as soon as she gets home from school. Thank you sooo much for sharing your story and your feelings. All my love. Carla
Nov. 28, 2007 at 3:59 PM
You are not a bad person. You couldnt have known what was going to happen. And it is ok for you to grieve. It is good for you other sons to see you grieve. It will let them know that it is ok to grieve. I wish I could help you more. HUGS
Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?
Already a member? Click here to log in
- SophieandGaven
Message Friend Invite