It has been 2 years since I have been with Adam, yet I am still haunted by the trauma I experienced from him. LEARNED HELPLESSNESS like a trap caving in around me.  I am unable to make decisive actions I am unable to move forward.  Trapped in a welfare system that doesn't understand invisible wounds from abuse that occured 2 years ago and continues through phone calls today.  They have no real resources for me.  They don't know what to do for me, and I certainly have no IDEA!

A colledge graduate, 3.5 GPA of German Language AND Psychology double majors from Rutgers University working 6 hours a week for $9.00 an hour.  Talk about classic underachiever!  What was the point of being top 5% of the graduating high school class of 1999?  What was the point if I am one of the many on welfare unable to provide for my son. I am dependent on a system that wants to keep me down.  How can I get out of this? What are my options?  Does anyone know?

______________My affirmation____________

He's the CRAZY ONE! There's nothing wrong with ME!  I have not gone too far over the brink.  He has NOT BROKEN me down.  I am independent!  I can live life on my own.  I left!

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INSANITY-defense mechanism; logic of an overtaxed mind (Oliver Wendell Holmes) to survive what a sane person cannot endure

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He tried to ISOLATE me! He tried so hard to keep me from my family, but I was lucky that I had strong family ties! My MOTHER (who has her own control issues) sent me a roundtrip ticket to ensure I got to the airport in FL.  He made me an hour late to the airport.  He packed my bag with unnecessary things when all I really wanted was my scrapbook of the baby stuff and my jewelry. He didn't pack those, and he later used them to keep me connected to him.

The purpose of social isolation is control.  He tried to make me dependent on him, even though I was independent when I met him.  I had my own car, my own apartment which he moved into.  He broke me down...systematically...first my work, then my friends, then my family.  I couldn't let him raise our baby.  I would be dead now if I stayed in FL.  The only think I could think of was protect the baby.

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I tried to get away many times, but the fear of his threats were too great.  Kill me, force me to abort the baby, leave me in the middle of no where.   No body knew me in FL.   I didn't call  my friends and family regularly...who would miss me? He knew where my family lived. He could burn the house, kill my dog. Those threats got me to submit

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He also controlled where I worked.  He wouldn't let me find another job.  He insisted I ride with him to our sales job, which was pure commision, daily so he can keep tabs on me. When I took a part time job to pay rent, he  told  me that I was screwing my boss because he only paid me $7.50 under the table. He stalked me at work.  It was a restaurant so he came to eat there.  He took control of everything.  What I ate, what I wore, how I had sex.  He took away my car, He even used it to drive me insane by driving in circles near my job and made me late for an hour and a half.  I almost jumped out the car at 5 months pregnant!

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ECONOMIC ABUSE...He took every penny I made.   I used to hide money so I would have some.  I even begged my mom to send me $50 a month so I can buy myself food, but she never sent me money.   I didn't want to be on welfare then, so I never applied.  Now he throws welfare in my face making me feel guilty that I am on it.

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I finally stopped lying to my son.  I no longer want to paint a roses and perfume picture of his father.  I told him that his father is irresponsible, but  he's still his father, but it's okay if he doesn't want to talk to him. He's stopped asking for him when the phone rings.  The reason for this is because children can sense something is wrong with the other parent, but we keep making them think that the other parent is good, and they get confused and starts to distrust their own instincts.  I'm not going to do that to my child.

I can't believe to this day what I've gone through, and daily is a struggle to make my life stronger and livable.  I want to get out of welfare, but I want to stay home with my son too.  Hopefully this nanny position works out for me.

Tags: domestic violence, abuse, surviving abuse

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