The night my three year old almost beat me at a game of wits

[attorneymama]

After an afternoon of jumping up and down, while proclaiming "I wanna do Christmas lights! I want fruit snacks! I wanna do Christmas lights!", the kid finally convinced me to get off my lazy butt and to them. 

But not before a nap.  For me. Inherent in needing a nap in my house is the knowledge that if I rest my eyes for even a few minutes, there is a distinct possibility that the kid will destroy the house while I am out.  He once used a bleach pen all over his clothes and a bunch of important papers.  Another time he discovered a permanent marker and a pair of scissors (hidden three shelves above MY head...the kid is amazing at getting to that stuff), and used these items to create a work of art. Out of a bunch of newly printed photos.

So it was a risk. But I had a headache, and I felt like I could distract him long enough with the various DVR'd episodes of Dora the Explorer (which we can't watch that often because Swiper scares the shit out of my kid), and Go Diego Go.  Fortunately, the recently recorded episodes were holiday themed, so the kid was enthralled. 

I woke up to a pleasant surprise, while he was still jumping up and down saying the same things over and over again, all the scissors were still in place. No permanent markers were anywhere to be found. His clothes were still the right colors.  We were in business. 

I don't know what I did, but somewhere between taking him outside to watch me put up lights and about a half an hour later, I pissed him off.  I have been trying to figure out what I did to receive the treatment I got. Whatever it was, it must have been good.

Becuase as I was standing four steps up the wobbly ladder with my arms extended as high as could  go, a hammer in one hand, a crappy nail in the other, I heard the screen door slam.  Now, this didn't cause any alarm at first.  It was the "Mama, I locked you out." that caused alarm. 

"Shit. Shit. Shit." Was all that went through my mind.  I jumped off the ladder as quickly as I could, and stood in front of the screen door, right at the height of his face and asked him ever so nicely to unlock the door.  He just stared at me.  Then he slowly put one hand on the handle.  And just stood there.

Now, this isn't any screen door. I can't cut the screen because it is actually metal.  It has a dead bolt.  It has a regular lock on the door handle.  It is a you-can't-break-in-no-matter-how-hard-you-try door.  And now all I can hope is that he doesn't close the front door too. 

I knew this would happen eventually.  I just didn't figure it would happen while I was outside in just a sweatshirt  a thin pair of work out pants, and a thin pair of gloves as the temperature quickly dropped below 45.  Now, if you had asked me that night, I would have told you it was "fucking 10 degrees out here", but I am fairly certain I was over exaggerating. 

So after a little while of staring at his face, pleading in my head for him to just pleeeaaase open the door, I asked out loud nicely, but slightly more firmly.  "Honey, Mama needs you to open the door now, please." You must always say please in our house.  That is, until you start to panic, and then please goes out the window. 

He looked at me and said "I can't." Matter of factly.  Not, "I don't know how." Not, "I'm trying." No. "I can't".

This time through my teeth feeling like I'm growling at him "You need to open the door NOW." He walks away. 

Now I'm panicking.  Because I have just realized that the fire is still lit in the fire place, and he has free reign of the house. No wonder he didn't get into trouble while I was napping - he knew he would have plenty of time while I was locked outside to do whatever he wanted. 

As with most panicking situations, I wasn't using my brain to its full capacity.  So when I realized I had my phone in my pocket it was like hearing choppers after being stranded on the top of a snowy mountain for a full ten minutes. 

I called my sister - I know she has a key.  Turns out she would be willing to come home from the town 15 minutes away, to let me in, if I was out there "for a while."  So of course, I'm started to get upset. Shew as the only one that I knew for sure had a key, and the kid was now hiding out of view, and I was fairly certain the temperature had dropped another 20 or so degrees.  Then as I was walking back over to the house to yell at the kid again, I walked right into a light storage container and cut my leg. Fabulous. 

I made my way over to the door and yelled "You need to open this door right now!" He came back over to the door. Put his hand on it and wined "I can't." So I got down to his level again and muttered "You need to open this god damned door right now!"  He just stared at me.  

So instead of trying to reason with the kid who clearly knew he had the upper hand at this point, I started to call everyone who might be able to help me.  My parents were at a party. Neither of them answered their phones.  I started to cry harder. Ah! My BFF. I'll call her. She sometimes can talk the kid into doing stuff that I couldn't get him to do if I tied him up and sat on him.

No answer.  So I left a message....crying....trying to keep it together....not doing so well. 

My BFF lives three or so houses away from me, so I thought I would give the kid one last chance and then I would walk over to her house and retrieve her persuasive self. 

I approached the screen door.  The kid was still holding onto the door handle, sort of hanging there.  You could hear the famous western movie music in the background. It was a face off. 

"Listen to Mama. You need to open this door RIGHT NOW, or you are NOT going rock climbing tomorrow."

And just like that he opened the door.

And promptly threw a fit because I told him I was very upset with him, and ironically, locked myself in the bedroom.  Thankfully my BFF answered her phone, and we chatted about selling the kids.

[autm515]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 6:23 PM Aren't kids just so fun? I know it must have been a horrible situation...but the way you described it is priceless!!

[krisr169]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 6:39 PM Oh S, that's so rotten!  You have missed your calling as a writer too, I was glued the entire time!  Unfortunately the law frowns upon selling children, I checked.  You might be able to find a loophope though, LOL.  Sometimes I wonder how we and they survive childhood.

[Mary0791]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 6:45 PM

You are a writer!!  As an attorney, you should be able to find that loophole krisr169 spoke of.  And if you find one, I would really appreciate a head's up.  I loved the story and am dreading when mine get old enough to think of that. 

I am sorry about your leg, though.  (Even though I was laughing my ass off.)

[GreysMom1021]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 7:50 PM My son did this to me when he was 3 [must be some kinda conspiracy] thank goodness my only other friend with a child gave me a combo lock to hold my spare house keys as a housewarming present.  Now I know why she thought of giving my such a smar gift!

[LJ1976]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 8:12 PM Kris, attorneymama, the legal loophole is needed only if you get caught.  Don't get caught LOL!!  And sell mine while you're at it.

[jtsgrandmom]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 8:41 PM

Children are wonderful.......Just remember that they DO get paid back when they become parents....Our sweet Revenge.....

 

[bugsandpirates]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 8:49 PM

I thought, I was the only MOM to use the word "GOD DAMN".

My kids think this is the funniest joke in the book.  I go out to feed the rabbit or check the mail, & I come back and the door is locked.  Luckily, after a few giggles they open up.

[KrantzKlan]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 10:11 PM

lol my 2 year old locks me out all the time howver my hubby has picked the lock oodles of time and i to have learned how so my toad has nothing on me

[jess237]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 10:16 PM

hysterical...and I'm with the previosu reply...my 2yo ds thinks the word 'door' is actually 'damndoor' b/c i say 'close/open the damndoor' so much!!!!

so from now on, the checklist b4 we go outside to work is #1=keys, #2=cellphone, #3=leash. 

and i'm not always one to sell them....I'm much more into leasing and getting them back for photo ops, etc.  i've been using Santa as a threat to get mine to cooperate.......i'm screwed come January!

[_Tam_]

Dec. 10, 2007 at 10:18 PM This is why, no matter what, I take a key with me.  =D  Though I'm sure I'll forget all about it when Belladonna gets that age.