I just wanted to post this journal for those who have lost a child and for those who feel uncomfortable not knowing how to handle being around someone who has had a devastating life altering tragedy. I received this list from a friend. I am not sure where she got it, but I think it's wonderful advice.

MY GRIEF WISH LIST

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

2.  If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying is emotional outbursts of healing.

3.  I wish you wouldn't let my child die again by removing from your home his/her pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

4.  I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

5.  I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, spouse or a pet.

6.  Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

7.  I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

8.  I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I  will never be "cured" or "formerly bereaved", but forever be "recovering" from my bereavement.

9.  I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

10.  Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his/her death and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

11.  I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.

12.  I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "my old self", you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me; maybe you will still like me.

Tags: grief, loss of a child, healing, hurting, death, advice, compassion

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