Last night we had a major blow up. I slept on the couch for the first time because I was THAT angry. I didn't even want to sleep next to him. I hate this fighting! We just got married, we shouldn't be like this. He pushes my buttons so hard and it just makes me loose it. I end up saying all kinds of stuff I don't mean and would never really say to him. I can't stand the he doesn't listen...... he just wants to yell and vent and show me how mad he is and if he'd just listen to me I could tell him how much he's hurting me. Instead I end up yelling back even though I start out every fight telling myself not to fight back, "don't give him any ammo. Just be calm and let it blow over" but every time I do that my point never gets made and I never get heard. But even when I do argue back I still never get heard, it's like yelling at a wall, except a wall cannot hurt me this bad. The worst part is that we do it in front of the baby. He says she doesn't understand, but she DOES. I know she does and it's very bad for her. It's the main reason I tell myself to just shut up and let it go. She shouldn't be subjected to this, to us, to all that anger and abuse. I feel worse for her having to hear that than for myself having to be the subject of it. I don't know how to stop the cycle. I don't know to to care more than I already do. I just don't know anythign when I'm an emotional wreck like this. This is the day after a huge fight.
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