i think that my husband was cheating on me or still is i dont know. i went into his phone this morning and found all kinds of numbers i didnt recognize from the place he was just working at. hes so secretive. out of the blue he tells me he doesnt know what he wants. weither to be with me or get a divorce. i dont want to be a single mom of soon to be 3. this is not the way i invisioned my life at all. i really wish i had my mom right now. she could tell me what to do. i want to call these numbers so badly but i know that that would be the end of my marriage. not that its much of a marriage right now. we hardly speak. my poor daughter has no idea whats going on. theres all this tension in the air and i know she can feel it. hell anyone could. it doesnt take a rocket scientist to know theres some big problems brewing in my marriage. im pregnant with twins and i have a 17 month old what the hell am i supposed to do? i just dont know anymore. i feel so depressed and alone i hate this. i love my husband and i want to work things out but i dont know anymore. i know i shouldnt go through his stuff but i also know hes not telling me everything too. hes never cheated on me. that i know of. i dont know what happened i thought everything was going fine until he had to have surgery and then bam it was like a totally different person. he didnt want to come home or be with me. i asked him to come home because i was sick and scared and that i needed him. but he just acted like he could have caredless. what to do what to do?i wish everything had an easy button. that would make my life so much easier and much more simple. maybe i should have listened to my grandfather. im starting to think he was right about my husband. i wanted to write this so the whole world could see it. but im a big chicken and dont want the fight and hassel i know that would come with it. so im writing it here in my safe little space. and hoping no one will judge me. i really dont need that right now. i didnt write this for any other reason than to get it off my chest. i woke up with my daughter this morning and for once my husband was sleeping on the couch and he left his phone in the bedroom. not clung to it like he will die without it. lol so what else do i do i look. like and idiot. so now when should be resting and sleeping im awake and feeling nauseas and well i dont really know what else. i have all these emotions that are totally intensified because of my pregnancy and i dont know how to sort them out. i dont even know where to begin. i think im going to find a sitter today and just be alone that sounds like a good idea to me. i need a break anyway. i just dont know anymore. theres a big part of me that wants to just call it quits and be done with the crap and then theres the part that remembers what it was like to grow up without and dad and i think to myself do i really want to do that to my kids. i know i shouldnt stay with him just for the kids, but i remember that. and to this day i do not have a relationship with my dad. i dont really care to either. i dont want my kids to be me. i dont want to become my mom either. she was a single mom for as long as i can remember and she was bitter and angry for just as long. i think she even died a little unhappy still too. i just dont know anymore. and everyone that i have to talk to i think would tell my husband what im thinking or what i say so i dont talk to anyone at all. my closest friend is his sister and i know that wouldnt go over well with her and i dont blame her you are supposed to get mad at people when they say bad things about your family. right? i wouldnt know i dont have any siblings. my brother died when i was just a baby and i dont remember him but little peices here and there. i dont dare call his parents i know what they will say and i know what he would say. and i dont want to go there. pretty much that leaves my friend who i really dont know if i want to talk to about this because her life with her man is going so well. make me want to puke. or my grandma who has her own problems with her husband and has heart problems and doesnt need the extra added stress.so like pick my poison. at least thats how it feels right now. we were seeing a marriage counclor and that surly didnt work. our councilor was an idiot. go guy but a complete idiot when it came to couples work. omg ive been on bedrest for a few weeks now and havent been able to see my counclor. which royally sucks but i do have to say i know what she would say. "it looks like we need to prepare you to be a single mom and for you to be dependant on just you" i can not tell you how sick i am of hearing that. uhhhhhh. what to do? what to do? i just want to crawl in a hole right now. im so upset and i dont know what i want anymore. things are so screwed up. how the hell did it get to this point? thats what im trying to figure out. is what the hell just happened? i really honestly thought we were fine. we had our differencesbut we have been through so much together i though we would be fine. i knew we would grow a little from eachother but i didnt think it would be this much. i feel like we are 2 totally different people when we are together. we dont talk hardly touch. im still attracted to him but i dont think he is to me anymore. every time i ask him if he still loves me he says yes. i do love him so much which is why this whole thing is so disturbing to me. i just want what is best for my kids but i dont know how i would make it on my own. it has been 5 years with my husband and we have been married for 2 of those years. i thought when we got married it was for life not just to flush it down the drain after so long. it really feels like we hate eachother when we are together. well my daugter is up now so i guess i need to go. sorry if it seems like im repeating myself or rambling. like i said i just dont know anymore.
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