Okay, check this out: My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months so far. When we met, all he talked about was how he wanted a serious, long-term relationship. He talked about it on our first date and whenever we were together. We spent enormous amounts of time together and we became immediately close, almost inseparable. We did everything from going shopping to going boating (he has his own boat out of state) and I thought things were going just fine between us. After a few months, I asked him where did he see things going between us and he said that  he was looking forward to a serious, long-term relationship with me and left it at that. I let it drop for another two months; then I brought it up again about a month ago. This time, my boyfriend hems and haws for a minute (that means he hesitated before answering), then tells me he just didn't see us going long-term. So I get up to leave. He asks me what am I doing and where am I going and I tell him I am going home, that I will not remain in the company of a man who all of a sudden decides he doesn't want to be with me. He then proceeds to tell me that he felt this way ever since the beginning of the relationship, that he never really saw us going long-term. I get angry and curse him out for lying to me. He says he didn't lie. I tell him if you knew you didn't want me for the long-term back then, why didn't you say so then and why did you say you wanted long-term when you knew you didn't. He says if he had told me the truth I wouldn't have dated him. I tell him maybe I wouldn't have, but he should have respected me enough to let me make that decision for myself instead of him selfishly deciding for me what path my love life should take. He apologized. I turn to leave and he gets upset. He asks me if I am planning to leave him and I say yes. He asks why. I say it's because you lied to me, that the whole relationship was a complete waste of my time. He acts like he's offended when I say that. So now he says he wants to try to work things out. I ask him does he want a long-term relationship with me, and he says he doesn't know what he wants right now, but if I give him some time and wait for him to figure things out, we can go from there. I say no to that. I tell him we can make it if we wanted to and he tells me to convince him that this could work. I get angry and tell him it's not my job to convince him to want me; either he wants me or he doesn't. I turn again to leave and he stops me, telling me he wants me to stay in his life. I say nothing at first, then I say okay, let's stay together and work this out. So we do. He still tells me he doesn't see things going long-term for us and has the nerve to get angry when I blow him off, ignore him or don't call him like I used to. I used to be very affectionate and loving; now I am cold and unapproachable. I used to be happy to get a call or a visit from him; now I don't care. I even told him the other night--after he told me for the thousandth time he didn't see us going long-term--that I did not care what we did or where we went, I did not care what time he showed up or if he showed up at all. Now he's angry because he says I am not trying to save our relationship, I am cold and constantly rejecting him on all fronts, and I am not the same woman anymore. I do want to save the relationship and I do want to be with him long-term, but if we don't want the same thing, why should I stay with him? Why should I maintain the relationship with a man who doesn't want me, who lied to me and keeps telling me he doesn't want a long-term relationship? Why won't he just go away and find someone who wants what he wants instead of trying to make me want what he wants? He asks me what is wrong with what he wants; I say nothing is wrong with what you want, except you can't make or force me to want what you want. It doesn't work that way. You have to find someone who wants what you want, is clear about how things will be and will accept the relationship for what it really is, not what either of you try to force it to be.

Now I want to leave because he doesn't want a long-term relationship with me. He says I am forcing him into a corner by demanding a long-term relationship, knowing I will leave if he says no. And he's right, I will leave if I can't be with him long-term, but am I honestly forcing him into a corner? I just want to be clear on where things are going, what I can expect from him and what he expects from me. Please be honest and tell me if I am wrong here.

Sorry so long...needed to vent a little...

 

 

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Comments:

maine...
Jan. 1, 2008 at 2:26 PM

I certainly don't think you're wrong by any stretch.  You want a committed, long-term relationship that has a future...possibly marriage?  This is what YOU want.  If he doesn't want that with you, then you are, literally, wasting your time.  "Dating" is the time to get to know another person and decide if there might be something to work towards.  You two are far past that point and he continually tells you he doesn't see you two lasting in the long-run and he's upset that you're "not the same as you used to be"? Seriously now, how does he expect you to be? 

Does he just want to "date" forever?  Why? Does he want the door to be open when he DOES meet the girl he wants to be with forever? How is that going to make YOU feel when it happens?  No, no, no, I think you are 100% correct to want to leave the relationship.  I know it's probably going to be super hard, especially when you care so much about someone (I can tell you care by how you type about him), but you need to look out for your future.  While you *waste* time with this man, your perfect match could pass you by.

Best of luck with your decision.  Remember, your feelings count just as much as his. 

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missip
Jan. 29, 2008 at 5:02 AM girl kick this man's butt to the curb!!! he's wasting your time! he's playing the "man games' as usual..like most of them do...they want their cake and eat it too. they know they got something or someone good in their life, but they don't want something long term but they don't want you to go on with your life either..go for the gold and let the zero go and get you a hero!!!

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Chris...
Jan. 29, 2008 at 5:49 AM

I have the opposite view. How do you even know if you want to be with this guy if you've only been together 7 months? Why do so many women want guarantees from the get go instead if just kickin it and seeing where it goes? 7 months isn't a very long time. And since you asked him from the beginning if he wanted long term, yes I think you pushed him into a corner from the beginning.

As yourself these questions. Is he good to you? Is he faithful? Were you happy when you were with him? Do you think you can be happy again? If yes, then try to fix it. That is if you want to be in a relationship that you feel you need to work on. You can't make anyone want to be with you. Either they do or they don't.

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Joyfu...
Jan. 3, 2010 at 10:16 PM

Agree w/ you. Had a similar issue with my now ex hubby.  It's not that he wasn't a good man, it that we wanted different things.  Move, change phone numbers, jobs whatever it takes to knock him off your tracks.  When you are done, you are done and no one has the right to force something upon you that is unwanted.

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