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Empty....yet overflowing with confusion. How could he do that?
- Jan 1, 2008 at 6:35 PM
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When I left for New York on December 19th I was full of apprehension. I didn't know what to expect for myself or from anyone else. I moved March 30th due to divorce. A week after the divorce was final (June 15th), my ex-husband finally stopped denying the affair. Only after the girl turned 18. One and a half years. Wow. I really did love him once. He used to be an awesome person. Used to be.
Mixed emotions kept me relatively on edge the entire duration of our trip. My former in-laws picked us up from the airport. When we pulled in the driveway to their home, Brad and his new girlfriend were waiting. I don't care that he has moved on. I have too. It was great to know there was no attraction to him or feelings remaining. What bothers me is that he couldn't part with her long enough to greet his daughter. Megan, the girlffriend, was sitting on the couch. When Kailee sat down to read she got right up on her within an inch. You could see how uncomfortable Kailee was, she didn't even know her name. I wanted to pick her up by the throat and relocate her. My sweet angel is having such a hard time with the divorce and here he is shoving Megan down her throat. My blood began to simmer.
During the 9 days of our stay he couldn't spare even 15 minutes of alone time for his daughter. Megan was in the mix from start to finish. Perhaps I am insane, but if I were on his end and my child lived 2000+ miles away and I got to see her twice a year; my significant other would be on a back burner. Or at least introduced gradually. There is no saying she will be in the picture in the summer...one more person for Kailee to lose. I calmly pulled him aside that first night to relay the instructions from her counsler. Keep the PDA to a minimum. I don't think it registared. From what my daughter had to say on the flight home, I would gather there was far more than hand holding and kissing going on. Disgust. Vile fills my throat...my blood has been boiling for a while now.
Christmas Eve I had been invited by his Aunt to a family function. This very sweet and generous woman who had purchased our tickets out. Brad apparently thought that it would be humorous to have my innocent 4 year-old call his little FB...mom. I had just sat down to eat and she said, "That's my new Mommy," and proceeded to climb on her lap. My heart sank to my feet and blood boiled into my eyes. I picked up my dinner plate and tossed it in the trash. I went into the bathroom and called my friend Shine to calm me down. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of causing drama. His Aunt and Uncle didn't want her there. Noone did. His mother was very two faced about it. But noone else wanted her there.
It is hard enough to see this girl and know that somehow she was better than me and I lost my husband and best friend to her. It is hard enough to see her pick up my daughter and read to her. It is hard to maintain my cool when I can invision my hands curled around his neck and a foot in her face. To make matters worse there was a huge storm the morning of our flight out. My ride rightfully didn't want to take her daughters on the icy roads that were already filled with accidents. So the only other ride available was Brad. I didn't think he was a big enough jerk to have her ride...was I mistaken. What makes me the most angry was that his Grandmother knew for a fact she'd be there and knew that I would have rather paid a shuttle or taxi to drive the hour to the airport. Until the pulled in the driveway to leave, I didn't know. I had to ride to the airport with Brad and his little bed buddy. She talked about me as though I wasn't there. My blood was fried to a crisp. How it flowed through my veins is beyond me.
New York was frustrating...but so much fun. I loved seeing my friends. And Casey. We are kind of seeing each other. Nothing official...kind of a friends with benefits thing. Completely out of sight of my daughter. I don't know how to read Casey. We have an insane bond that was instant. I am glad its slow moving and friendship is the key. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I don't know if I can handle those risks. I just don't know. We have so much fun...I'd venture to think that we'd make a perfect match. But I don't know if I can do it. I won't think of him as anything serious or allow myself to feel things yet. I don't want to get burned.
So this morning how do I feel? Numb, empty, confused, content, happy, sad, giddy, tense, hopeful, hurt, angry. Time to put on the mask and float through society so no on will know that I am just a bunch of broken pieces trying to function. One more day...one more X on the calendar.
Mixed emotions kept me relatively on edge the entire duration of our trip. My former in-laws picked us up from the airport. When we pulled in the driveway to their home, Brad and his new girlfriend were waiting. I don't care that he has moved on. I have too. It was great to know there was no attraction to him or feelings remaining. What bothers me is that he couldn't part with her long enough to greet his daughter. Megan, the girlffriend, was sitting on the couch. When Kailee sat down to read she got right up on her within an inch. You could see how uncomfortable Kailee was, she didn't even know her name. I wanted to pick her up by the throat and relocate her. My sweet angel is having such a hard time with the divorce and here he is shoving Megan down her throat. My blood began to simmer.
During the 9 days of our stay he couldn't spare even 15 minutes of alone time for his daughter. Megan was in the mix from start to finish. Perhaps I am insane, but if I were on his end and my child lived 2000+ miles away and I got to see her twice a year; my significant other would be on a back burner. Or at least introduced gradually. There is no saying she will be in the picture in the summer...one more person for Kailee to lose. I calmly pulled him aside that first night to relay the instructions from her counsler. Keep the PDA to a minimum. I don't think it registared. From what my daughter had to say on the flight home, I would gather there was far more than hand holding and kissing going on. Disgust. Vile fills my throat...my blood has been boiling for a while now.
Christmas Eve I had been invited by his Aunt to a family function. This very sweet and generous woman who had purchased our tickets out. Brad apparently thought that it would be humorous to have my innocent 4 year-old call his little FB...mom. I had just sat down to eat and she said, "That's my new Mommy," and proceeded to climb on her lap. My heart sank to my feet and blood boiled into my eyes. I picked up my dinner plate and tossed it in the trash. I went into the bathroom and called my friend Shine to calm me down. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of causing drama. His Aunt and Uncle didn't want her there. Noone did. His mother was very two faced about it. But noone else wanted her there.
It is hard enough to see this girl and know that somehow she was better than me and I lost my husband and best friend to her. It is hard enough to see her pick up my daughter and read to her. It is hard to maintain my cool when I can invision my hands curled around his neck and a foot in her face. To make matters worse there was a huge storm the morning of our flight out. My ride rightfully didn't want to take her daughters on the icy roads that were already filled with accidents. So the only other ride available was Brad. I didn't think he was a big enough jerk to have her ride...was I mistaken. What makes me the most angry was that his Grandmother knew for a fact she'd be there and knew that I would have rather paid a shuttle or taxi to drive the hour to the airport. Until the pulled in the driveway to leave, I didn't know. I had to ride to the airport with Brad and his little bed buddy. She talked about me as though I wasn't there. My blood was fried to a crisp. How it flowed through my veins is beyond me.
New York was frustrating...but so much fun. I loved seeing my friends. And Casey. We are kind of seeing each other. Nothing official...kind of a friends with benefits thing. Completely out of sight of my daughter. I don't know how to read Casey. We have an insane bond that was instant. I am glad its slow moving and friendship is the key. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I don't know if I can handle those risks. I just don't know. We have so much fun...I'd venture to think that we'd make a perfect match. But I don't know if I can do it. I won't think of him as anything serious or allow myself to feel things yet. I don't want to get burned.
So this morning how do I feel? Numb, empty, confused, content, happy, sad, giddy, tense, hopeful, hurt, angry. Time to put on the mask and float through society so no on will know that I am just a bunch of broken pieces trying to function. One more day...one more X on the calendar.
Comments:
1-3 of 3 comments
1
Jan. 1, 2008 at 9:45 PM
I am so sorry you had to go through that....that you were able to get through it with such flying colors is amazing! You should be very proud of yourself, you are a wonderful mother and an incredible example for your daughter. It would have been alot easier to freak out and take everyone out....but instead you kept your cool and didn't lower yourself to your ex's low standards. I hope that things are going to be great for you this New Year, best of luck!
Jan. 8, 2008 at 1:51 PM
your ex husband is without a doubt the most selfish underrated person i have ever met and if he needed a transfusion to live i say f you and laugh in his face to do that to my best friend and my little girl is the last straw look out lover boy you and your tramp will get yours in the long run karma is a bitch and to my bff i love you and nail his ass to the board so the buzzards can peck his eyes out love ya sunshine
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