Ok, so I am a 3rd possibly 4th generation Chicana living in Los Angeles.  Now, all my life I have had this HUGE mental block about not speaking Spanish entirely.  I speak Spanglish. 

My parents speak English and Spanish only when they have to.  My mom however is CONSTANTLY watching novelas and her parents spoke Spanish as did my father's.  So by the time my generation came along, there was almost always nothing but English around.  I grew up in a predominantly Latino neighborhood that was the gateway to immigrant families in Los Angeles, Boyle Heights. 

In grammar school I had reverse discrimination where the Spanish speaking kids made fun of me because I didn't speak Spanish well.  Being a gifted and honor student I was not one to take below average criticism lightly, so I stopped trying all together.  IT was like this:  either you spoke only Spanish, you spoke both Spanish and English, or you spoke English only--either way you did it well (we made concessions for the mother tongue Spanish speakers because this was an English speaking country.).  However, if you were Latina and spoke Spanish badly you were just a straight up Pocha.  It may not seem like a big deal but back then, at the time it WAS a big deal.  Pocha was the equivalent to calling somone a wetback or a cracker. 

So I chose the big fish in a little pond scenario and went with speaking only English and doing it well.  Everyone else was behind me so what did I care if I didn't speak Spanish right?  Agh, I was so wrong.  I am 28 and my Spanish, although much improved, still has a long way to come.  I can read it well, take dictation, listen to someone talking to me and respond (in English) correctly but when it comes time for me to speak, my mind goes in scrambles!  My IQ drops to a 15 and I'm like a 3 year old trying to piece verbal legos together  that I know but stress over the concept of not being entirely articulate or correct.  CONJUGATIONS!  WHA?!  Perfect, imperfect, present, past...hijole my head just loses it. 

Now, as an active member in the Latina/o teatro scene in LA I find that more and more there are other Pochas/os that can relate to my story and like me all regret not learning the language earlier and trying harder and not being afraid to make mistakes.  Learning is learning and you gotta try right?  Right.  But still, to identify oneself as a specific ethnicity is to embody, on the most superficial layers, that cultura which includes language and so my strength and esteem falters sometimes when submerged in a group that I perceive to be more Latina/o than I.

Now as a mother it is SO important that my daughter know her language and roots and the all the onderful aspects of her culture but how am I to embody that knowledge if I don't contain that knowledge (in that case language only--I am pretty well versed in all other cultural facets.) 

Believe me when I say that I have come a long way and keep at it and try to relieve myself of all the preconceived ideas I have gathered overtime and negative experiences with CHILDREN so that I may get to the place where I wish to be and although I may be a Pocha (and ALWAYS a Pocha...ni modo), I am at least no Coconut.  Jaja!  Ay, I needed to get that off my chest!  Phew...gracias.

PS--POCHAS RAWK!  ;)

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