Why is it that we are conned into thinking that motherhood is a blissful, satisfying, and rewarding blessing? I attend a mothers group for young mothers and the other day one of the social workers asked..."Who hates being a mom?" Everyone looked at each other as if they were afraid of the question and that admitting to it is a mortal sin. My hand shot up. After a year of being a mother I can't hate it more. It just prevents me being truly happy.  I know some women out there have invested time and money into having a child and think its the most glorious and officious thing in the world. But I think that from little girls we are brain washed into thinking that being a mother is what our duty is. Its evident by the toys marketed towards girls: baby dolls that poop and pee with their carriages, little tiny kitchens, even vaccum and broom sets. JESUS!

Needless to say my pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted.  I was 21, unmarried, and still in college with hopes of attending medical school. I dreaded being pregnant and the permanent scars it would leave on my already flawed body. I thought that once I had the baby I would love being a mother and a wife. The truth is I hate it. I couldn't love my child anymore, his smile touches a part of my heart that no one else can, but I don't like being his mother.

It is just a burden I don't want to deal with at this point of my life. The feeding, the changing, the constant neediness, which I know will perpetuate until the day I die. I decided to breastfeed him and still do and regret every day I decided to do this. It has been 14mo since he was born and I still have no ownership of my body. I have tried to ween him, but he become unbearable.  

Before having him I was a straight A student, active in school, and I held up to two jobs. Now its seems I can't get my shit straight. My grades would be more that satisfactory for other students, but they just don't cut it for me. I feel like I have to choose between my dreams, and being a good mother, which isn't fair.

I have all the love and support from my husband, but its not enough because I feel like a failure, like I've failed myself. All these emotions have just turned into anger, and its just boiling inside of me because its turned into hate. I can't control my anger anymore. I can't stand being alone all day with my son. He wants to be all over me and all I want is my space. I try to play with him, but I'd rather be elsewhere. I feel like I have to give and give and give, but in return nothing. 

To make things worse, I'm totally isolated. My mother lives in an other state. All my friends graduated 2 years ago and moved on with their lives. I have no friends I can relate to, even when I'm at school. I just feel thrusted into a position where I had no say, and I was pushed into it "because it was the right thing to do".

Now I'm filled with regrets, morn the loss of the life and the person that I was (which I really liked) and feel all alone in life. I hate being a mother. I hate my life. Most of all I hate what I've become.  

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Comments:

megan...
Jan. 11, 2008 at 1:20 AM i have a love-hate relationship with motherhood....i get ya. 

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leahr...
Jan. 11, 2008 at 1:33 AM Me too.  You are not alone.

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Perpe...
Jan. 11, 2008 at 3:40 AM My college plans got completely derailed when I got pregnant unexpectedly - finally went back and finished my Bachelor's last year ...almost 20 years later. Blegh. And as much as I love my kids, I've always worked because I could not stand being at home with them all day watching yet another Gullah Gullah Island or playing another game of Candyland. I am sooooo in agreement with you there. However....based on your statements about your anger and feelings of failure, my opinion is that you might consider seeing a counselor for ways to deal with those emotions before they have a negative impact on your family. Even just for two or three visits - in no way does it have to be a permanent thing. It wouldn't be saying you're wrong for feeling this way, it would be showing your family you love them by making sure you're taking care of yourself.  I know I don't know you, but I'm available for venting at if need be. Good luck.

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TXNanny
Jan. 30, 2008 at 12:33 PM

Please take care of yourself.  You have a lot of points that are valid.  when we are young an d make mistakes, mom usually protects us and help us out.  When we get older, society takes over and makes us pay for our mistakes.  You continue to have choices to make and it will only get easier if you seek help from people who know what you need. 

YOu are not the first in your situation.  Seek help for yourself, your future, and your sanity.  You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.  YOU ARE IMPORTANT.  Hang in there! 

 

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FedUp...
Feb. 9, 2009 at 7:01 PM

The easy part is under 4 years old.  Parenting is a whole new ball game as they get into school age.  Frankly, it's harder. 

I was married young, had a child, finished college, had more children and now I'm working on my graduate degree to requalify in my choosen career field.  At my age, I should have 10 years of working experience and make enough to cover daycare.  I have no real experience, every job I had was quit due to pregnancy!

I just told my screaming kids in the van I was going to work, hiring someone to take care of them, because I quit!  Seriously, I want to quit being a mother, a parent and a wife.

I think you feelings are normal.  I don't have any other answer than that for you.

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cjelsacm
Apr. 17, 2009 at 11:19 PM

WOW you opened my eyes...I am so glad that I am not the only one.  Currently, I want to run away from the four of them; husband and three kids, and pretend I never had them in my life.  But, then I hear my middle child cry and tell me she wants me with her and my son, who can not talk yet(he is almost 3) cry, and my oldest has gone through so much doesnt really bat an eye at it.  MY HUSBAND DRIVES ME UP A FREAKIN WALL.  Does very little, I express that I need help with house work or some other things and he makes fun of me; mimics or makes some very mean comment that just causes me more frustration, anger and hurt and he does not seem to care.  banging head into wallWe definitely need to help each other...I feel like I am going to truly explode one of these days...

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exhau...
May. 19, 2009 at 4:52 PM

so many truths spoken here.

Yes, the first four years are easier.  The exhaustion that begins to set in at 18 months - 2 years is complete by the 4th birthday.    I was hospitalized for 2 days when son was 18 months, then at 4 years, I needed it again, but refused because western medicine had nothing to offer me except prozac.

I discovered that I was pregnant at 35 when I went in for my blood work before my tubal ligation.  I wanted the surgery when I was 22 but was told I would have to wait until 35.  I accepted my responsibility and hoped "god would provide".  I hoped he/she would provide the Money, the Physical Stamina, the Emotional Stamina, the Personal Discipline, and the Social Network necessary to raise a child alone.  (father chose not to participate)  After 6 years of selfless service, I feel "done".  At 41 the career and relationship oportunities that I had always wanted in my life have come to my door, and because I am a mom I cannot accept.  I am just too tired.

I do realize that I have "made this bed"  so I get to lay in it, but I still hate motherhood.  And like all other mothers, "I love my son", because we are biologically and genetically programed to.  If not we would have abondoned our children eons ago and the human race would never have reached 6 BILLION.  So I struggle with the gaping disparity between my ancient genetic programming and my modern evolved mental self.

The sadest (to me) part of this whole paradigm is that this pattern of suffering mothers is probably only going to increase in numbers and intensity as our culture moves farther and farther from the need of human animals to live in extended family groups/villages in which the young, strong and healthy bear the children, while the elder aunts, uncles and grandparents raise them.

So where does that leave all and each of us today? 

I don't know.

I have working with a Homeopathist and her remedies seem to be helping.

I wish you all love and a good night's sleep.

With Gratitude for your honest sharing,

 

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Crazy...
Oct. 7, 2009 at 5:20 PM

Thank you for posting this, I have felt so hopeless recently I have a 4yr old whome I do love but sometimes I get so depressed but feel obligated to stay. I love my husband but I feel so disconnected from him too. I just feel overwhelmingly unhappy. I have tried to cheer myself up but nothing seems to work. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way

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mrsro...
Jan. 13, 2010 at 2:58 PM

I'm so happy to find that others feel this way.  I never wanted to have children - it's not that i didn't like them - it's just that i loved my free time and was happy with my life.  My husband and I had been together for 14 years and he always wanted children but said he was OK with whatever I wanted to do.  At 35 I decided to take a chance because I was on the fence with the whole idea and i thought it was now or never - to my surprise i was pregnant within a month.  I love my daughter with all of my heart  - but I hate it when people say "I bet you forget what life was like before her!" - no, I don't.  maybe it was because my husband and I had been together for years before - but i think of my life before her quite fondly - and i think of it quite often.  I also know how you feel about being isolated.  We live a few states away from our family and we have few friends in this town.  So, thank you for posting this.  At least I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  

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SilaRaes
Mar. 5, 2010 at 6:05 AM

Im through this situation too..I'm like, suffering for her condition of being my daughter 'cause I just can't handle with the school-teachers subject, the little sand boxes with other kids, the struggle with everything which involves childhood..and over the top of all..Im coming back to university after 6 years far..

I'm glad I found you guys :)

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