Reality check

[autismom]

I was stopped at a traffic light today in a busy intersection in town. I noticed while waiting for the light to change, a mom w her young teenage daughter and they where discussing which way to cross, while they still had the right of way.

The mom looked back and forth at the light and the blinking "walk/don't walk" sign, confused as to which way to go. You could tell by her hand gestures that the daughter was trying to convince her mom to go one way as she pointed out the logic to her mom who still looked some what disoriented (young mom, like my age, early to mid 30's or so). Finally the daughter took her mom by the hand, as to take on the "mom" role and lead her mom across the street, in the direction she was suggesting to begin with. The mom hesitated for just a second, then looked at her daughter and let her guard down and just followed. When they crossed the second intersecion, I yeilded for them to get across and my heart skipped a beat and crawled up to my throat. As I watched through tear filled eyes, the girls got to the other side of the street safely, locked arms and continue on their way, giggling, shopping bags in hand, off to another strip of stores. I had my reality check.

Manifested in a panic attack of sorts, my reality check showed me what I will never have with my daughter. She will never help me across the street, she will never take care of me when I am old, save me from my brain farts, come with me to my doctors appts, I guess I will never come to rely on her as my mom does me and my sisters. We are just now slowly becoming her care takers, speaking to her doctors, reminding her to take her medications, taking her to the market, counting out money for her and sometimes paying her bills, etc....

I don't want my daughter to "take care of me" in my old age. I don't think I'd thought of it much, but I think it's such a natural process, the circle of life, we become children again when we are old and I fear the loneliness I will feel to not have that type of bond with my girl. My only girl. Another loss to mourn. Although I will be okay, I need to mourn it right now. I need to face it, feel it through and through and put it to rest. Another unknown, like the rest of this disorder called autism. I thought I'd thought of everything, but little things like this creep up and I was blindsided. I'm sad. I feel so robbed, so angry. I don't have a say and it kills me, turns me inside out.

How do you have kids and live one day at a time, not thinking about tomorrow or ten years from now?

I had to write. Thanks for reading.

[momoftwoages12a]

Jan. 16, 2008 at 10:56 PM

i don't know if i would have my child take care of me when i am too old to do so.

[dylandesiree23]

Jan. 16, 2008 at 10:56 PM

You know I have been talking about the same thing....My grandfather is living with my mom and dad (dad's dad) and he is dying. And you know what I am sure that it wasnt on the top of my dad's list my parents list to take care of him while he was dying but I will let you know when that man has his good days that is just one more memory that they we can share with him untiil the day comes. You can not make the decision for your daughter she will want to take care of you when you become ill or not. Dont think of it as a pain think of it as a gift b.c my grandfather is still here b.c of my parents and that is a gift. And they know that. Dont think of it as such a bad thing helping your mom or reminding her to take her meds, she is greatful for the things that you do I am sure or else her would have gave up by now!

[hope4emma]

Jan. 16, 2008 at 11:48 PM I am so sorry Veronica!  I have those moments too....and you really do feel like someone just took your feet out from under you!  But once you get past that, you need to remember that B LOVES you to death!  You are her mom and you are the one who will fight her fight as if it were your own!  Hugs, my friend!  You deserve one!!!

[lradant]

Jan. 16, 2008 at 11:59 PM But she supplies with other things that many other Moms miss. I know you sometimes have to look deeper to see them but you will be blessed in different ways making your love special. The circle of life will happen and having her will probably keep you self serving much longer than most. HUGS! You are one terrific Mom!

[KearasVoice]

Jan. 17, 2008 at 11:26 AM

Veronica,

My heart aches for you because I too know where you are coming from.... One minute I'm fine with everything and the next thing I know I get a wake up call.  I still to this day can't sit through a wedding or a graduation without feeling as though someone just ripped my heart out.

It's true Autism takes so much from us but it also gives as much as it takes.

I love you and I'm sending you ((((BIG HUGS))))

[bellamomma]

Jan. 17, 2008 at 11:29 AM

I have never even thought of that Veronica. Its true though and its something to swallow, another jagged pill to get down but after you get it out of your system, you are going to realize that not only does B love you, The world loves you. These are the crosses we bare right now and sooner or later they will become our crowns. You will have a different life with B than the other moms and daughters will. You will experience grander things in some ways than they will to. You have already learned never to take a silly moment, a funny look or a sweet phrase for granted. There are many people out there who would wish for that too Vern. Many MANY people. You have love and love takes care of love. Do not be afraid for the future, for now you living the ultimate REALITY.

You are a beautiful person and knowing you is part of my ultimate reality. Bless you and your family momma.

I love you!

[123kat]

Jan. 17, 2008 at 11:31 AM I've thought about, too.  And I tell ya - that advice of "one day at a time" - I have come to hate it!  Sometimes it's the only thing you can do - but you're constantly thinking about the future - how can you not?!  It's the fear of the unknown.  (((BIG HUGS!!!))), mama!

[Lauriemom]

Jan. 17, 2008 at 3:57 PM

I have never actually thought of that before honey.  But you are of course right,  it is different,  I have thought of many things that I will not experience.  I have 2 perfectly wonderful little girls, but I do not know what it is to parent a typical child,  and I never will.  Is that sad?  Sometimes, but to be honest, usually it is just the way it is, and I am ok with it.

 It is ok to mourn the loss of a "typical" mother daughter relationship.  It is ok to know it is not what you planned and it is sad and different then what you wanted. Because once you are done mourning Veronica, you will move on and learn to find the beauty in YOUR reality.  There is much joy in parening special children like ours.  I know you know this, but it is nice to be reminded sometimes

HUGS my friend, I'm here if you want to talk

Laurie 

[Leah525]

Jan. 17, 2008 at 5:47 PM My niece is autistic and what you wrote just  made me shed a tear for my sis-in-law. I will never understand the things she endures, all I can do is pray for all of the parents in your situation.