Need Help! Wedding etiquette Question.

[ARmom]

Ok Cafemom Friends - I need some advice!

My husband's best friend is getting re-married in August.  They are having a destination wedding in Las Vegas (we live in New Jersey).  So far - I assume we have to pay for everything ourselves (airfare, hotel, activities, etc).  We've only received the "Save the Date" cards so I'm not too sure on all the details yet.

What is the proper etiquette when it comes to giving a gift?
Are we supposed to give them a gift (monetary or otherwise) even though we have to pay to go to the wedding?

Also - if you think we need to give them something- I'd love some gift ideas for a second marriage! 
Thanks for ANY advice!!
Amy

[Karrie3]

Jan. 27, 2008 at 10:42 AM I would think a gift would be classy, especially since it's his best friend.  For a second marriage, I would recommend a gift card.

[cfh72]

Jan. 27, 2008 at 10:43 AM

A friend of mine had gotten remarried years ago, and I found myself asking the same question.  What do you give the 2nd time around????  Since we gave money of course, the first time, I was against doing it again.  I ended up getting her a very lovely engraved frame.  That should be PLENTY from you, esp. since you are also paying to go out to Vegas......

[LancesMom]

Jan. 27, 2008 at 4:38 PM

I agree a nice thoughtful gift is plenty (And I don't mean a Blender! LOL!) BUt a picture frame for there wedding photos....or since they are in Vegas. Give em a jar full of quarters!

Kidding! LOL! Hope you go, it'll be a blast!

[DanaR13]

Jan. 28, 2008 at 9:59 AM Thats tough, I think you do have to give a gift......but, if he's from NJ or the NY area...they are used to $$ not a present.   Is this both their second marriage?  Are they registering?  or buying a new home?  Gift cards are good....maybe a American Express gift card.  They can use it anywhere.....but, that is basically like giving them cash. 

[ARmom]

Jan. 28, 2008 at 11:06 AM Yes, this is both their second marriage.  He's from NJ, she's from TX.  I don't think they are registering or buying a new home (that I know of).  My husband was in his first wedding as well, plus with that one they had an engagement party, bachelor party , etc - all of which we gave money too.  I hate to be cheap - but if I have to give something, I would prefer giving a gift so I don't have to spend as much.  Know what I mean?

(Original Poster)

[Chrissy629]

Jan. 28, 2008 at 11:09 AM Give them cash.

[SAHMlaura]

Jan. 28, 2008 at 2:58 PM I'd just give them a $30 (or so) players club card at whichever casino thy're staying or cheap show tickets or gift card for nice restaurant there.

[okiemomx4]

Jan. 30, 2008 at 10:46 AM

Hi Amy,

I'm new to the group.  You know, I think Miss Manners has addressed this very issue.  Perhaps you could find her archived posts and read for yourself, but this is what I recall.  A wedding announcement to a destination wedding should be viewed as an invitation like any other.  If you opt to go, yes, you will be expected to pay to get there, etc. and proper etiquette dictates that you will also bring a gift, unless you are notified otherwise.  

As the date gets closer, it may become more clear if the B and G are paying for anything.  You'll probably know by the response you get when you ask about hotel options.   As far as the gift goes, if you are already going to the expense of the wedding, is it possible to begin now budgeting in an additional fifty dollars for an appropriate gift?  Ten dollars a month for five months, you'd have the money saved by May.  For a gift, I would consider something that is very personal to this couple. 

*Are they wine drinkers?  What about a nice bottle of wine and a fancy wine opener?  Placed in an inexpensive basket with shredded brown crinkle paper (do you know what I'm talking about?) then wrapped in clear plastic with a bow would be nice.  Include a note wishing them joy and suggesting they take another moment to relax and enjoy settling in to married life after the honeymoon.  

*She's from Texas...do they cookout Texas style?  Matching chefs aprons, maybe monogrammed would be fun. 

*Since they are marrying in Vegas, maybe look for a beautiful coffee table book about Las Vegas.  

*By August, some stores will have Christmas items out.  Maybe a platter of some sort to use their first married Christmas (or Thanksgiving)...especially  nice if you know their current dishes and could find the same pattern or a coordiating one.

Finally, I don't know that you should feel at all pressured to attend the wedding.  I think sometimes people are offended when a couple opts for a destination wedding.  Would be guests feel left out, hurt for some reason.  Perhaps this couple wanted a d.wedding, but also wanted close friends to feel included.  If the timing doesn't work out for you for whatever reason, it is completely understandable.  Do what feels right for you.

[SweetLuci]

Feb. 17, 2008 at 10:11 PM First of all, you do not have to pay to go to the wedding, because you can make the decision not to go. But, whether you go or not, it would be impolite not to give a gift. The previous poster had some good suggestions. You could discretely ask others what is expected in the lines of a gift. I know many in the Northeast expect a money gift, where in many parts of the south, money would be considered crass.  Often a couple having a destination wedding don't realize the expense that their guests will have to incur, but think that they are giving them a reason for a vacation. Often, you will get a reduced rate at a hotel because you are part of the wedding party, and there may be planned activities that they will pay for. There is nothing wrong with asking about that so that you can make plans.  When all is said and done, if this is a friend of your husbands, consider that you do not want to offend and put a rift in the friendship. The amount of money you save will not be worth it. Please do not give them a picture frame. I received quite a few  picture frames, which I didn't need or want, since frames were included in my photo package. I have heard this same complaint from other couples. Before you have anything engraved, make sure you know it's something they want. If you give a gift, it  should be given, not in Las Vegas, but mailed to the bride before the wedding (another Southern thing) or sent to their new home. If you're giving money or a gift card, the money should not be in cash, but a check or gift card. American Express charges the purchaser, I think $10, plus shipping & handling, while most restaurants and retail stores do not.