The Mom trying to be a Best Friend

[1-Betty]

 I know that I am their mother but I also want to be their best friend. I want my children to come to me when they are in a situation that they cannont handle. My mother was not always there for me. But luckily I had a wonderful grandmother and imagination. And I think about that all time, I think about what I went through as a child and the things that went through my mind and I truly worry. My oldest daughter does not know what she wants from life emotionaly or relationship wise. My middle child and this is hard for me, she cuts herself. I never realized how hard that is to write down because it makes so much more real. And my son the baby of  the family is watching all of this. Some times i just wish someone would give me all the answers, but I realize that is not always possible.

[takenmomof3]

Jan. 29, 2008 at 5:29 PM

You can't really be their best friend and mother. But you can be there for them, you can by a friend too.  When they come to you with their issues or when they do something wrong, its best to not raise your voice and to stay calm.   They will see that no matter what their problem is , that you will truly listen without flying off the handle!!  Some things we have to pick our battles and decide what is worth arguing about, sometimes we have to give them enough rope so they can make their own mistakes and learn by them.  Theres really no hurry to decide what you want to do in life or a time when you need to settle down, let your oldest know that there is no pressure there.  My oldest keeps stuff inside and getting him to share whats going on in his head is really hard, so I told him to keep a journal and write it down instead. That way he is still getting it out.   Planning family outings and having dinner together , talking about your days,  your kids will see that you're there for them.   As parents its not good for us to be their best friend, a friend yes, but we need to also stay on the side as parents. That way they know there is a limit. 

[RustedRalncoat]

Jan. 29, 2008 at 6:43 PM   Give up trying to be their best friends. Kids don't want parents as there best friends. I hated my mom trying it drove me nuts and drove us apart and I regret not having a mom when I needed her. I had friends at school that I could talk to. I wanted a mom that could help me when I needed her and butt out when I didn't. What you you are describing that you want is not to be a friend but a mother. Kids will talk to you in their own time. You have to remember what it was like to be  teen, we didn't run to our parents for everything. We thought we knew how to handle it and usually made a big mess out of things and then we went to our parents. Maybe you are trying to hard and pushing them away. Givve them time and space. But you do need to get the cutter some help. When people cut they usually do it because of power issues, it gives them a high from being in charge of their own lives and she is suffering some how and you need to find out how.

[brandimcline]

Jan. 31, 2008 at 10:14 PM

As a teen who self mutilated, it's about control.  We feel we don't have control over our lives, and the anger/pain can be too much, and it's the only way we can let it out.  My parents fought ALL the time, and they often included me into it.  I needed counseling, but never got it as a teenager.  My family believed that you could 'rise' above anything - it only took determination.  I sought help when I was 23 at college.  It was the best decision I ever made.  I no longer mutilate, and I have a pretty good grip on my temper - I don't break thing anymore.  Get her help, even if she says she hates you for it now.  SHE NEEDS IT!!!!!!!  Find a counsler somewhere! 

The worst part: my mom thought she needed to be my friend.  NO!!  I had plenty of friends.  I only have one mother.  I had to grow up on my own and trust me, it's no fun.  I needed guidelines, rules, direction, expectations.  It's too much to expect any teenager to be able to do that on their own, and the decisions we make then can affect us forever.

[arizonaorbust]

Feb. 4, 2008 at 7:58 PM Wow, I read the comments and I start to cry.  I am going through this with my teen daughter.  I guess I feel at times that if I am not there as a  friend she is going to throw it in my face for not being there for her. I guess with her being my only child is breaks my heart to see her suffer and I cannot do anything about it except knowing she has  to experience things on her own and make her own mistakes, and when she needs me she will come to me.  It is true.  It  does not work to be a friend and mom at the same time.  Because when I try to be the mom then she throws it in my face "Oh, now your trying to act like a mom".   I have gone to counseling for both of us.  It seemed to have worked in certain areas.  She is more open, but she does keep some stuff from me at times cause she thinks I am going to (as she puts it) freak out, and then I hear about them later and that what upsets me the most, but I do notice she does come to me and talk to me when she needs me.   We still have our issues and trust matters and she is still a teen, moody as hell, bossy, and always wanting what she cant have or the otherway around what I cannot afford to get her.