I really hate feeling this way. I hate everyone walking on egg shells around me, trying not to upset me. I hate that everyone asks me how I am doing. I hate not knowing how to respond to these questions. I hate that I loss yet another child. I hate that my life is falling apart. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate that I have to get my hair done after hours to avoid a pregnant assistant working there. I hate that I feel like I am clingy. I hate that everyone else around me seems to be able to carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby. I hate putting on my game face, and portraying that I am strong. I hate feeling weak. I hate that I cry every night. I hate that I have to fight back my tears daily, like I am doing now. I hate being asked what is wrong. I hate it all... I hate the so many of my friends on the site is grieving. I hate that I am grieving. I hate that we have to be strong. I hate that others are complaining about bullshit that they can fix. I hate that I can wipe a tear my my children's eyes.

 

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Comments:

njmom...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 12:35 AM Sweetie, ify ou need to talk, I'm here for you.  xoxoxo

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1st.t...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 1:10 AM You use the words "I have to", YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. u can be weak, u can cry, u can be comforted, and u can receive help, only if you want to. not because u have to. OK? and about having kids, u probably dont want to hear this but give it time, and things will come there way.

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mnarain
Feb. 1, 2008 at 3:10 AM

you don't need to be strong all the time it is ok to cry.....just sit there n cry your eyes out. i know you feel like a failure but it isn't your fault! it took me a while to understand that but we aren't as blessed as others, but once we have our babies remember how blessed they will be to have the most lovin and amazing mom ever!! your angels are looking down at you and are telling you it is ok to feel, it is ok to cry, it is ok to be angry.  here is a poem i found when i lost allana that made me cry but helped me out. i hope it does the same for you! take care hun n remember my offer always stands!

dear mommy,

Please don't cry too long, I know you are sad I'm gone. Your heart is broken and filled with pain, but don't you know you will see me again? But this time I'll be beautiful and whole, no flesh and blood, but a heavenly soul. If you could see me now you would not shed a tear, but smile in anticipation for the day you'd join me here. There's no sorrow, no crime, no sickness, no pain, no war, no labor, no death or rain. There's no hate, no fear, no devil or sin, nothing evil or bad can get in. The streets are gold, the lighting is bright, the sun forever shines, there is no night. Angels sing without a hault or pause, they just sing and praise, there is no time and no such thing as days. And trust me I'm not alone! There are so many Baby Angels here, we play and play and play, oh dear! And best of all Jesus comes to visit us often, we can go talk to God face to face! And when I talked to Him when I arrived, I felt His amazing grace. He told me not to worry about my family at home and that I'm always with you even though I'm gone. I said but if, I'm here, God, how can that be? He said that I'm in your mind, your soul and your sweet memories. Goodbye for now, grieve normally and cry if you must. God knows what's best and in Him you must trust.

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Until we meet again, your Baby Angel.

 

 

and one more 

 Dearest Mommy, When you wonder the meaning of life and love Know that I am with you Close your eyes and feel me kissing you in the gentle breeze across your cheek When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again Quiet your mind and hear me I am in the whisper of the heavens Speaking of your love When you lose your identity When you question who you are where you are going Open your heart and see me I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you Lighting the path for your journey When you awaken each morning Not remembering your dreams But feeling content and serene Know that I was with you Filling your night with thoughts of me When you linger in the remnant pain Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar Think of me Know that I am with you Touching you thru the shared tears of a gentle friend Easing the pain As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky In that breathtaking brilliance, awaken your spirit Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant When you were certain of us, together When you were certain of your destiny Know that God created that moment in time, Just for us I am with you always.

 

 

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sweet...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 8:04 PM Hey girl, I know exactly how you feel.  I was yelling at everyone at one point because I was just sick of it.  You know what though... you can hate all you want as it's normal and natural for you to go through that.  Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.  If you want to be mean, be mean.  If you want to be nice, be nice.  It's natural to cry.  I still do it, too.  *hug*  I'm here if you ever need an ear or a shoulder.  I don't judge, I just listen.  Sending you positive vibes and strength for you.

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dafbia
Feb. 8, 2008 at 8:55 AM

It's never an easy thing to go thru and it's normal to feel the way that you do there are going to be some rough times and they going to be sometime you going to cry yourself to sleep.  But all the tears you cry they going you to help you heal.  You will ask yourself time and time again y me what did I do wrong but you have done nothing God has a plan for you and it's going to take sometime to see but remember he doesn't put in struggles in our life we can't handle.  If you have to cry do so and remember every tear you cry we cafemom cry with you especially me I feel your pain I cried for 2 years intill my other daughter was born so it's ok don't let no -one tell u  it's not.  if you ever need to talk ,cry or scream you have my number morning noon or the middle of the night I will talk to you just remember you not alone on this I got u.

Serena ~AKA~ dafbia~ 

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BROWNING
Feb. 17, 2008 at 9:15 PM All I can say is that we are here for you.No one knows the pain and suffering you are going through.To each his own.Everyone grieves differently and only time will tell.I too went through something similar,and I cannot say that I know what youre going through because we all do things differently and in our own time.Youre in my thoughts and prayers always.

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