It has been 3 weeks since the miscarriage. I was doing really well. I cried for the first couple days but then I had some closure and felt fine. I understand what happened and thought I had accepted it. I knew I had to move on and think about the future and not dwell on the past. Right now I feel like an addict who is in the process on relapsing. I feel almost as depressed as when it first happened. I think I feel lonelier than ever now that it has been 3 whole weeks and I am fully aware that there is no baby. I would had have been 13 weeks yesterday. I can’t help but look online and see how the baby would be developing this week. It seems now every where I look someone is finding out they’re pregnant or giving birth and that just makes it worse, as if it should be me not them.   

   I don’t feel as bad at home because I have my wonderful cheery daughter to keep me distracted and occupied. Thank God for her. Being at work is really tough now. I sit at my desk and am all alone with my thoughts. I also do not enjoy my job anymore and that does not help. People here will occasionally ask me how I am, and I can’t tell them. Not because I don’t want to but because I don’t know how I am. I feel Blah, Almost nothing. I can sometimes feel excited or happy but it feels kind of like a front. Deep down inside I feel so empty. I know I won’t feel like this forever, it passes in time. I am just worried I will feel like this until I am pregnant again. And I don’t know when that will be.  

  I really cannot wait for summer either, or a warm spring. Some winters I swear I get that Seasonal depression thing. Not an extreme case, I just start to feel really down and in a rut. Every day feels the same. Wake up at 6:25, get ready for work, get Kay ready for daycare, drop her off, go to work, leave work, pick her up, go home, cook dinner, go to sleep and do the same exact thing the next day. It’s too cold to do anything outside, it’s often cloudy, and even if it’s sunny I’m cooped up in my office and can’t enjoy it anyways. I get out of work and it’s getting dark. Out of all the times for me to have a miscarriage it just had to be during the gloomy cold winter!   I just had to express some of my feelings. I would do this to my husband but I’m kind of just brushed off. He doesn’t understand, and never will. I unfortunately didn’t get blessed with that sensitive, overly-loving sort of man. Too bad.

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