It has been 3 weeks since the miscarriage. I was doing really well. I cried for the first couple days but then I had some closure and felt fine. I understand what happened and thought I had accepted it. I knew I had to move on and think about the future and not dwell on the past. Right now I feel like an addict who is in the process on relapsing. I feel almost as depressed as when it first happened. I think I feel lonelier than ever now that it has been 3 whole weeks and I am fully aware that there is no baby. I would had have been 13 weeks yesterday. I can’t help but look online and see how the baby would be developing this week. It seems now every where I look someone is finding out they’re pregnant or giving birth and that just makes it worse, as if it should be me not them.   

   I don’t feel as bad at home because I have my wonderful cheery daughter to keep me distracted and occupied. Thank God for her. Being at work is really tough now. I sit at my desk and am all alone with my thoughts. I also do not enjoy my job anymore and that does not help. People here will occasionally ask me how I am, and I can’t tell them. Not because I don’t want to but because I don’t know how I am. I feel Blah, Almost nothing. I can sometimes feel excited or happy but it feels kind of like a front. Deep down inside I feel so empty. I know I won’t feel like this forever, it passes in time. I am just worried I will feel like this until I am pregnant again. And I don’t know when that will be.  

  I really cannot wait for summer either, or a warm spring. Some winters I swear I get that Seasonal depression thing. Not an extreme case, I just start to feel really down and in a rut. Every day feels the same. Wake up at 6:25, get ready for work, get Kay ready for daycare, drop her off, go to work, leave work, pick her up, go home, cook dinner, go to sleep and do the same exact thing the next day. It’s too cold to do anything outside, it’s often cloudy, and even if it’s sunny I’m cooped up in my office and can’t enjoy it anyways. I get out of work and it’s getting dark. Out of all the times for me to have a miscarriage it just had to be during the gloomy cold winter!   I just had to express some of my feelings. I would do this to my husband but I’m kind of just brushed off. He doesn’t understand, and never will. I unfortunately didn’t get blessed with that sensitive, overly-loving sort of man. Too bad.

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Comments:

LaMam...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 11:17 AM But your hubbs does love you - maybe he's still sorting through his own feelings about what happened.  I'm so sorry sweetie :-(  I get that seasonal depression thing to - although down here it's easier cause it rarely snows and isn't as cold.  I know you're probably sick to death of earing it, but everything happens for a reason, as hard as that is to accept right now, and at least little baby Bella got a straight shot right up to heaven, and din't have to deal with any of the craziness of this world.  Big hugs to you and I'm here for you if you need me  ....

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milf_...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 11:29 AM i completely know how you feel. i feel the same exact way. when i was in the hospital and was told that id be miscarrying the nurses kept saying to me "well you have two beautiful healthy kids" and "oh your young" like that was supposed to make me feel better. I do the same things you do.

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mama2...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 11:33 AM

I know how you are feeling, hun. It has been a couple of weeks since my d&c and I have the same feelings of even when I am happy, I KNOW I am not really happy. My husband is a wonderful man, but he just does not understand the pain, loneliness, and complete sense of failure I feel because of the miscarriage.

If there is a silver lining, we are both having the same feelings, so maybe we're normal! Like you, I cannot wait until Spring...I think being able to go for walks and play outside with our little girls will help. If you ever need to talk, I am here.

Also...I am originally from Green Bay (although I now live in Madison)...at least your team is in the SuperBowl...mine choked against the Giants...AT HOME!!!! Have fun this weekend. Have a beer for me! 

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Damia...
Feb. 4, 2008 at 12:59 PM WOW when I read this, I swear it could have been me writing it!  Right down to the not having a sensitive man LOL...  I never got to see my lil peanut or anything tho so I can understand why you are having a little harder time.  The first couple days after it happened I really just wanted to crawl in bed, curl up and cry all day, but I couldnt really do that becuase I had to take care of my son.  And everyone around me is prego or getting prego too, and when I see them (or any prego lady for that matter) I just get depressed, and angry too, angry becuase I want to know why God took my precious baby away from me, I deserved to have it, I am a good mom, and really wanted it.  But things happen for a reason, and we are gonna try again soon, I am hoping I might be now, cant wait to take a test, but if you want to talk write me back!

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USCGwife
Feb. 20, 2008 at 6:48 PM Oh my I feel the same way! I thought nobody could ever understand. I can't even bring myself to go back to work to face those people that all were so happy for me and I don't want to see those faces saying "oh poor Cindy" I don't want to explain it a million times to everyone! I just want to sit at home and have my Daughter bring happiness to my life and never leave my home. My husband is still so angry that I can't go to him either..I am so glad to have found you to talk with...thank you..and I will pray for you also!

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momof...
Feb. 29, 2008 at 9:32 AM I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel I have had two miscarriages and also a vanished triplet. If you dont mind me asking....I saw the picture of the baby did you pass it on your own or did you have D&C? I have always wondered what mine at that stage would have looked like so thank you so much for sharing this with us. I think if I could have seen mine I would have been able to deal with it a little better. Hang in there in time you will feel better but you will never forget your angel.

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