where to even begin?  jeez.  i just don't know.  how about the weather first?  that'll do.  it's just above freezing.  it's raining.  thow'in' down rain at times, with areas of dense patchy fog, bringing visibility down to less than 1/4 mile in those places.

the posted speed limit is 55, which in maryland means 75, unless there is a visible cop car and then it's 50.  goddess above deliver you if you attempt to go slower than the assumed speed limit of 75 in a posted 55 zone.

combine the above two situations and you have the reason why the price of car insurance in this state is astronomical.  maryland drivers can't use turn signals, parallel park - hell, park in one single parking space between the lines! -  leave a safe following distance, stay in one lane for more than three miles, and generally simply cannot drive.  of all the places i have lived and driven, (which is not a small number of states....i can list them all when provoked), maryland is by far the worst hands down, no doubt about it, there is no other contender for worst drivers in the world.  period.  shall i tell you how i really feel?  today was no different.

Extra-Cautious-Red-Hyundai-Man:  OK, i realize they delayed schools for two hours, but it isn't that bad.  it's just rain.  sprinkles, really at this point.  you could prolly go hmm, maybe 40 mph in a 55 zone.  really.  i think your tires can handle it.  your accelerator is the tall pedal on the right.

Navy-Blue-Souped-Dodge-Ram-Bastard:  we've met before.  once in the tunnel.  once in the snow.  on this same road.  you were an ass then, too.  when i drive through dense fog, i slow down.  when i drive through dense fog in the rain, i slow down more.  when there is an accident and two police cars and an ambulance have one lane blocked, and everyone is merging left, and the people in front of me are slowing down, *ummmm* i slow down.  those flashy red things in the back of my car??  those are brake lights.  they aren't red-hot for your bod.  my car is stopping.  you know what?  flash your lights at me all you want.  honk your horn.  go on, do it again.  just ram me.  save some time.  i have really good insurance and you are completely at fault, assbasket.  and then, when we clear the accident, make sure you rev that engine of yours as you go around me and flip me off (while drifting into another lane, mind you) to make sure i'm good and told off for slowing down.  i really would have no qualms about seeing your pretty truck upside down in the median and a big red smear underneath it. 

Box-Truck-Who-(Almost)-Missed-the-Exit:  has anyone in this state heard of going to the next exit and turning around and heading back to the one you missed?  anyone?  do we all just dive for the exit from the middle lane now?  "shit, that's my exit number and i was talking on the phone and missed it.  i think i can still make it if i can levitate over this steady stream of traffic....oops.  i can't levitate the whole vehicle.  damn.   guess i'll just barrel through to the grass and then back up until i can make a 110-degree turn onto the exit ramp.   yeah.  that works."  except for all of us who are in the way.....

Mustard-Yellow-Xterra-Speed-Demon:  a word, if you please - phrase, rather.  toll booth.  when you exit the tunnel, you have to go through the toll booth.  the posted speed limit through the toll booth lanes is actually 15 mph - on the EZPass lanes.  i loved it when you zoomed out of the tunnel three lanes to my left and totally cut me off to get in front of me.  that bus thought it was pretty cool too.  the whole swerving thing was our token "swerve of appreciation" for a job well done.  you sure did get through the tolls faster than me.  the only way you could have improved your game is if you had honked or flashed your lights.  maybe next time you can be as good as assbasket up there.

Southbound-in-the-Northbound-95-Freak-of-the-Moment:  all i really have to say at this point is "what.  the.  fuck."  headlights facing me do not belong on this side of the concrete barrier.  how in hell did you manage to get into that spot?  no apparent damage to your car, no break in the median...i guess some things are better left unknown.  and there was a state trooper right behind me just then to assist you.  how fortunate.

but i made it home today.  the colorful parade of idiot drivers let me live to see another day of idiot drivers.  i need a nap.

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Comments:

heydo...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 1:53 PM I like this post. Glad you made it home alive. Keep writing, you're really good.

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Fista...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 1:56 PM LOL!  This is priceless!  Even the tags are hilarious!

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meme_...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 2:20 PM Damn, now I need a nap, too!

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Cryst...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 2:24 PM

Haaa! That was so funny! LOL! LMAO! Glad you didn't wreck.

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tess-...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 2:35 PM

 those flashy red things in the back of my car??  those are brake lights.  they aren't red-hot for your bod.

i love it.

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Abomn...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 2:50 PM is today the unofficially official "get your driver's license out of a Cracker Jack box day"?  apparently neither you or i got that memo. 

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Anna_...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 5:39 PM LMAO....oh boy that was good.  *I'm crying I'm laughing so hard*

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Mary0791
Feb. 1, 2008 at 5:43 PM

This is great!!!  I think I loved the tags as much as the post. 

**Don't forget the Lexus with the woman on the cell phone stepping on the brakes in time with her conversation.  "Oh really (brake), you don't say (brake), I know (brake), did you hear (brake)."  Automotive punctuation really is the wave of the future.

Love this post!

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KShac...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 5:47 PM funny!!!  do you write for a living?  you're pretty good.

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kater
Feb. 1, 2008 at 5:56 PM naw, see, these aren't hypothetical drivers.  i actually encountered these blockheads on one single drive home from work.  today.  i didn't have any probs with any chicks in lexus'....but i know exaaaactly who you're talking about.  it's a silver lexus.  and she's putting on makeup while she's talking on her phone and driving.

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