I just had my daughter and you would think that these would be the best days of my life right?  Well how come I don't feel that way?  Maybe my husband is right, I'm selfish.  All I ask for is a little help around the house, and a little bit of sleep since I can't seem to get any during the night.  But once again, I'm only thinking of myself.  I just want to get away from the house and sometimes I feel like I don't ever want to come back.  How did I get to this point?  I hate my life, I'm almost to the point where I hate my husband, I can't stand to be around other people.  I just want to be alone.  I don't even want my kids around me.  My son?  He got into his terrible 2's kinda late.  He waited until I was pregnant with my daughter to start that crap up.  My husband?  Doesn't even want to be around me.  Hangs out with friends, family, girls at work....and seems to be having a grand 'ol time when he's around them.  But when he's around me?  He barely even says "boo" to me.   I don't fit in anywhere...not even around my own husband.

Our anniversary is coming up.  This year I won't plan anything since I've always been the one to plan stuff...this year let him do it.  It's his turn.  He tells me we're going to dinner...Olive Garden.  Which is okay, we did this last year, the year before and the year before.  But at least we're getting out of the house and doing something together.  Getting some good quality time together.  He took the night off....he said we should be all right money wise.

The day of our anniversary....about 2 p.m. and he's getting ready for work!!!  I ask him what's the deal and he says now all of a sudden we don't have money....although we have more than enough to do what we had planned to do.  So we have a big blowout....we eventually go to dinner.  During dinner, he barely talks to me, talks on his phone almost the whole time we're at dinner, drops me off at home and goes to work.  Happy Anniversary.  I go upstairs.  I get dressed to go to bed...alone.  As I lie in bed crying, my daughter (who sleeps in her bassinet next to me) wakes up crying.  I giver her a bottle and try and lay her back down.  I calm her down and she falls asleep but evertime I lay her down she wakes up and starts crying again.  She's done this every night this week and its taken around 1-2 hours to get her back down each time!!!  Now we're on hour 2 of her doing this and I can't take this anymore!! I just want out of this life!!!  I want to end it all!!  Nobody loves me!!  I'm tired of all of this!!  Tired of being expected to be superwoman all the time!!  Right now I just think the best thing would be to go away...permanently.  That way I won't be anyone's bother.  So I'm going to fill up the bathtub and let myself go.......but my little girl is screaming her head off.  God, oh God.... 

My kids need me.  What will they do knowing that their mommy committed suicide?  But I can't do this anymore......


So the next day I went to the hospital....I drove myself.  I thought they might put me in the hospital for observation and let me rest for a day or two.  Boy was I wrong.  I went in there, told them what happened, what thoughts I had been having and that I needed to get back on my medicine (I had been off for a month).  They had someone standing outside of my room all the time, which I understood.  Then they told me that I was going to another hospital.  Okay.  Next thing I knew, a cop shows up at my room and says "I'm here to take you."  Weird, I thought.  So he proceeds to pat me down, then handcuffs me.  I am then put into the back of a squad car, and taken to a mental hospital.  I arrive there, and it is nothing like I thought.  It reminded me of jail (now I have never been in jail, but the demeanor of the people there were a carbon copy).  I tried to contact my husband to let him know where I was but I couldn't get too far before I had some guy groping me right in front of the staff, and they did absolutley nothing!  I very quickly realized that this was not going to help me one bit.  I talk to the psychiatrist and he agrees that this is not the place for me and he'll see about getting me out of there.  Then I talk to a social worker.....he tells me that if I go home that night he will have to call CPS.  I tell him fine go ahead.  I've never harmed my kids....and the thought had never even crossed my mind...it was me I wanted to kill.  So I told him go see how my kids are doing....you won't find anything wrong cause I would never do anything to harm my kids.  He says ok.  An hour later, the psychiatrist says he won't let me go cause he doesn't want CPS called....just stick out through the night.  I should be released in the morning.  Well morning came, another psychiatrist comes and tells me since they forgot to give me my medicine they won't let me go home.  Now mind you...I'm perfectly fine and was fine when I went to the original hospital.  I just asked to be put back on my medicine.  Long story short, after keeping me against my will for 3 days they let me go.  But I will never trust another doctor for as long as I live.


Now, this happened to me a year ago.  But I felt I should maybe write this to help some of the other mothers whom posts I've read that seem to be going through the same thing.  If you feel depressed after having your little one don't be afraid to ask for help.  Don't let anyone make you feel less than a person just because you have this illness.  Don't be ashamed by it!!!  Don't ask for help when it's too late!!  It happens to so many of us.  And if it gets to a point where you can't handle it anymore then do  yourself and your baby a favor and get the help you need!!!  I can't stress enough when I say DO NOT BE ASHAMED AND DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP!!!  I hope my story can help in some way in knowing that you are not alone.  God Bless all you mommies!!  Take care of your precious gifts....treasure each and every moment you have with them!!

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Feb. 1, 2008 at 4:05 PM Oh HELL YEAH!  Amen sister!

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Feb. 1, 2008 at 4:09 PM

Thanks for sharing your story.

Many women are afraid to ask for help because they are afraid that if they admit their feelings, their child will be taken away...

and that just won't happen.

Talk with your OB/GYN, your PCM, or any doctor you see regularly.  Let them know how you feel, and they can get you feeling better. 

Not everyone needs meds, but if you do, that's ok. 

And meds aren't permanant.  Some women go on them for weeks, some months, some a few years.  And some do find they need it forever, and that's ok, too! 

Good luck, and get help when it's needed!  DO NOT be afraid to ask...just like OP said!

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Feb. 1, 2008 at 4:10 PM I had ppd and I had my husband's support.  I know how hard it was with the support of my husband.  I can't imagine not having support so for all of you that need help get it.  I found a 800 number for ppd in my phone book and called it.  She was great.  I have to say she went above an beyond to help me. 

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Feb. 1, 2008 at 4:40 PM I'm so glad you shared your story!  Boy oh boy was your situation mishandled!  As a lifelong sufferer of depression I understand what you're talking about, your brain lies to you.  It's awful and I'm so glad you made it through.

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Feb. 1, 2008 at 4:59 PM I know how you feel I was in horrible shape my self and thought they would take my oldest one from me!!!! I finally asked for help and it took a while but I am good. Not only I have had another one had a little depression but they started me on meds as soon as I had her and now I am not taking anything and feel good but I still have my days like everyone else!!!! I feel normal and good about my self!!!  We all have been through this and I think its apart of life......thanks so much for sharing it touched home alot!!!

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 10:40 AM

OMG!!!  You were treated so unfairly!  They mishandled you so horrificlly!   I'm so sorry that happened to you!  I've suffered with depression since I was 13,, never thought of killing myself, but there have been times when I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up....... Shame on your husband for not being there for you....

Thanks for sharing your story ,, there are so many new moms who need to know ,,,

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Feb. 15, 2008 at 12:08 AM Hmmm you thought you had it bad...I had twins, a c-section and a leg 4 times the normal size...my PPD is just ending at 16 months old and I still have days when I can barely get myself dressed or the girls to get out of the house.    I wish friends had helped me out more.   It seemed like noone though it was a big deal for someone to come home with twins.   It SUCKED and was very hard, especially after my husband went back to work for 10 hour days............thanks for your thoughts..I am with you!!

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