Recently I took an honest inventory of myself and found that in fact, I have not been as real in my writing as I probably could be.  So after much deliberation (and much prayer) I decided to write about what’s really going on with me, share my fears and air some dirty laundry.  As I have heard it put so eloquently, the past few months have been “gut check” time for me and I want to share that.   So…here goes… At the end of every year I make out a list of accomplishments I want to complete for the upcoming year.  I guess I should be pleased at myself because I am consistent in my determination to make out the list…every year.  There’s just one tiny problem that arises (or fails to arrive, however you want to look at it) along with this grand show.  My motivation and implementation simply do not appear.  It goes something like this: 
  1. Lose weight (50 lbs by March 1)
  2. Go back to school
  3. Work on my relationship
  4. Work with Kevin (dear hubby) to set up a budget…hmmm
  5. Read to the kids more at night
  7. Get a dog
  8. Paint the living room

The list may go on for another four or five bullet points before I realize that “BECOME A MILLIONAIRE” and “BATHE THE CATS MORE” are simply not going to fit within the 12 month time frame.  Call me lazy….


Maybe it’s an ambitious list.  I’m sure every life strategist with a talk show would say that’s my main problem.  But I am an ambitious girl and I probably think way too much.  I sometimes like awake at night wondering if I am a good mom.  A good wife.  A good daughter.  A good cook.  A good…anything.  Then I remember the pork chops and rice I scorched at dinner that night and my womanly get-your-house-in-order-or-die-trying instinct kicks in.  The word ambition takes on a whole new meaning and suddenly I’m taking on projects like retiling floors and refurbishing furniture.  One day I’m sitting Indian style in the middle of my living room with paint swatches everywhere and I break down because “WHY DOESN’T APPLE GREEN LOOK LIKE THIS ON MY WALL!!!!” And the waterworks, pizza eating and bad hygiene habits commence.  It’s all very confusing sometimes.  As a woman, there are so many hats that must be worn.  Wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, chauffeur, political analyst, mediator, accountant, merry maid and porn star to name a few.  We have so many secret stresses we deal with.  Can we really blame Britney for wanting to shave her head? 


I became a wife and a mom at the age of 21.  I quickly learned that there was more to each job than being called someone’s “wifey” and sporting a cute little baby bump.  It was adorable to complain about missing sleep and a coo about making my “boo” his daily pancakes…at first.  But then the realness of it all kicked in and well…I started rethinking the whole “greatest job on earth”thing.  Quite frankly, I needed help and more in just the way of well-meaning moms, grandmoms, and moms-in-law(sorry guys! Love ya though!).

ENTER THE KJV (King James Version of the bible.  I know you probably knew, but I just had to be sure.)

I think I was 23 when a birdie dropped the hint that I needed to read Proverbs 31:10-31.  You know the scripture:

“Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies..”


Well.  Already I knew I was riding the short bus to cubic zirconium land.  But I have always had a profound relationship with God and at the time we had just joined an awesome church, under the direction of a great pastor, I was learning and growing so I thought, hey, in two months time I’ll have this virtuous woman thing wrapped up. 




Oh. My. Goodness.  Have you seen this woman’s resume?  She’s an expert seamstress.  She hunts.  She’s a realtor.  Runs a wine vineyard.  A Merchandiser. A philanthropist. A fashion designer,  a politician, and a supermodel. Her husband is some type of CEO and her kids all have heelies and iPods.  ( Ok, a bit of an exaggeration, but read the scripture and you’ll see what I mean.)  I had less than an associate’s degree worth of college work and two customer service jobs.  How could I compete with a Hillary-Claire-Martha incarnate?  I mean, can I be that woman? Can I do all she does? Did she even have a period?  I know it’s not fair to compare myself to a woman of the Bible, but I really believed it was attainable.  Let’s just say I’m still working on it.  And the unfair self-induced pressure didn’t do much for me either. 

The years passed and dear hubby and I added two more boys and 7 more years of marriage.  I’ve gotten a little older, a lot bigger, a lot less cute, and a little wiser.  At present we are sitting in the middle of a family crisis that includes my husband losing his job due to the malicious act of another person ( look for this story on some bestseller list one day), a whole year with no vehicle (another Shakespearean tragedy in the works), and me with the shaggiest baby afro known in Texas. (sigh) At times our future has seemed bleak, overcast at best.  But recently I realized that through it all I’ve had an undercurrent of calm. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have been screaming for relief, gratification and cheesecake for two years now.  But really and truly that’s they’ve only been surface tantrums.  God has made it known that no matter how many times I’ve wanted to kick holes in my wall (accomplished once, but it was an accident I PROMISE) he’s always been looking out for me.  I guess at times I haven’t felt worthy to receive His unconditional love and grace and I’ve sabotaged my own happiness for apathy.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I’ve lost too much time, too many friends, and have too much to praise Him for to allow any ill spirit to steal anything else from me.

I know it’s tough. Believe me, if there was an award for worst struggles, I think hubby and I would walk away with more than one statuette. The thing about it is that we survived.  I realize that if I just hold on to my faith eventually everything works out.  I’ve had to dig way down in the depths of my stomach.  I have NOT felt like praying every day.  At times I have even wondered where God is.  But I can tell you he’s there.  Underneath the peanut butter in your daughter’s hair and the gum smashed into the carpet.  Through the times with no lights, water and gas and shopping sprees.   He’s always been there.  I am holding on to that to get me through these rough times and I feel certain that if I continue to strive to do good works unto Him, He will deliver me and my family.

You know, it’s easy to write and discuss about the lighter side of life, to poke fun at the everyday mishaps that come with being a wife and a mom, but every once in a while it’s prudent to examine the tougher issues, the deeper thoughts, the more spiritual views.The task is not very easy for me because I am historically not an open book.  That recent “gut check” has uncovered some pretty serious deficiencies concerning myself and my relationship with God, my family and others and I am making a move to improve.  More than anything else I want to be a good servant, to be pleasing to the Lord, but if I am functioning under the guise of my own will, I am not doing the work I was sent here to do.  So I will fight through the urges to drown myself in diet coke and nachos.  I will wade through the desires to sleep instead of reading my Word.  And I’m grateful to be given the opportunity to share what my feelings on issues that I’m sure another mom out there must be feeling, too.  Be blessed, everyone. April

Add A Comment


Feb. 1, 2008 at 10:08 PM wow! This is good.Do you write books?I enjoyed your honesty!

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 1, 2008 at 10:47 PM

This was absolutely beautiful. So very, very well written. Thank you for sharing...

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 1, 2008 at 11:11 PM Thanks so much for sharing!

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in