My 19 y/o step son called me. His father told him today we are divorcing. He was upset, he wants to know why? I told him I didn't want to involve him or his brother in the reasons for our divorce. I told him i love him and he will always be part of my life and that of his sisters (my 2 girls w/ his dad). I told him things wouldn't change between us, i'm still here for him.

He persisted, Why? His dad told him it was because I was tired of being the primary bread winner.

I decided to let it slide. How can I tell My SS that his dad has charged thousands on my credit cards w/ out my knowldge, the he's asked me to deplete many 401k's for things he felt w/ needed. THat IRS has been to our door 3 times looking for my husband! That I don't trust or respect his father. THat we've grown apart and distant. He is not there for me emotionally. He frequently breaks promises to the girls. He is inconsistent w/ discipline and structure in the kids lives. When we first married he practically gave me all the responsibility of raising the boys, (i guess he was tired of being a single dad and doing it by himself). He hasn't provided a stable home life for me and my girls.

Instead, I said nothing, I told him I won't go into it w/ him. I guess he can believe that it's as simple as me being tired of being the primary bread winner.

It truly breaks my heart to hurt my SS, He depends on my for so much now. and I love both of my SS.

I'm part of a StepMom group, but I dont really feel that I belong. While I totally under stand these SM's frustations w/ being a step parent, I don't hold my step kids responsible and i do have a good relationship w/ them.

I feel sad, and i feel like a jerk at the same time. I feel guilt for leaving my husband w/ so little. W/ out me, he has nothing. Literally. I don't want to leave him destitute, but at his age, he needs to step up and be accountable for himself.

I'll be OK, i have a plan. I have LOTS of help, from friends, financial advisors, attorney, therapist etc.

I just feel guilty, my friends think i'm nuts for feeling this way, I continue to feel responsible for taking care of my husband and enabling him to continue in his current path.

I will come out ahead. I will always be here for my soon to be ex (he is of course my daugthers' father). i will always be here for my step sons; I will do whatever I have to do to ease the pain of divorce on my children; I will get my self esteem back; i will get my life back.

I will be someone my birth-daughter Rachel will be proud to know.

Divorce is hard, I hate this, But i know me and my kids will forever struggle and be left w/ nothing in the end  if i stay. 

 

 

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Comments:

Regin...
Feb. 1, 2008 at 8:01 PM Best of luck to you... I hope everything works out for you....

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JoesGirl
Feb. 2, 2008 at 7:41 PM

Hugs to you, my friend.

I think it is normal for feeling guilty, and I think it's ok to feel that way.  Yes you are hurt, but it shows you have not become calloused and cold-hearted. 

Feeling guilty, and letting your decisions be driven by the guilt are two differrent things.   It sounds like your therapist has helped you so much so far.  I'm sure they will continue to guide you with dealing with all the emotions, some you may not even recognize right now.

I am glad that you took 'the high road' and avoided badmouthing your husband.  Even when your SS insisted you tell him.  It is possible he is pressing you, because the boys know it's more than what their dad has said.  What a difficult balancing act.  If your SS were to bring it up again, I think it'd be okay to give an answer just saying 'there is more to it than that" - yet stick to your original statement that it is between you and their dad, and that you don't want to get them involved.  Although it's got to be frustrating for them, I think it is wise for you to not put them in the middle.

Those are just my thoughts, but I haven't been there.  I do wish I could reach out and give you a hug when you're needing one.

Keep on journaling - I'm sure it helps just to get it out.

{{{hugs}}}

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bless...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 9:48 AM

Hi my friend,

It sounds like you are making the best of what can only be one of the most difficult situations in your life.  Just remember I am always around if you need me.

I have to take exception to something you said:  "I will be someone my birth-daughter Rachel will be proud to know."   You won't BE that someone, you already ARE that someone today, here and now.

Love,
Daria

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Kitricia
Feb. 3, 2008 at 5:31 PM

I applaud you for not stooping to his level. I so think you are taking the high road on this one.

It will all come out in the wash.

And I agree, you already are someone that Rachel will be proud off.

Hang in there.

"This too will pass"

*big hug* many of them,

Kitricia 

 

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rach1217
Feb. 5, 2008 at 8:37 AM Thank you ladies.  You're kind words always help 'carry me' through the rough spots :-)

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ajunell
Feb. 14, 2008 at 2:47 PM

I had no idea you were going through a divorce girl!  From what you have said in your post you made the best decision for you and your kids.  You needed to get out of there.

Divorce is very traumatic for kids.  I know you'll be strong and very supportive of your kids.  Divorce is an icky thing on everyone.  All you can do is tell them it has nothing to do with them...every kid thinks that divorce has something to do with them.  It's been five years for me and I still have that guilt that somehow I could have kept my parents together...even when I know the house I lived in wasn't a good home.

Hang in there!  We're all here for you!

I know I'm proud of you :)

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