Many years ago a friend of mine raped me and for the past 13 years i have been able to put it on the back burner. Now an old friend, well not really friend, has been writing me still blaming me for his death.
When he raped me, we were great friends, and one weekend changed all that. Then the day after he raped me he shot himself and died.
Now back then, many people blamed me and over time things seemed to have just smoothed out. But all of a sudden this girl finds me from myspace. Then sends me this email. Telling me it is all my fault. That i am 100% responcible for shawns death. I sent her and email back telling her everything, and i mean everything that happened. The fight shawn and i got into and the rape, and the death of his.
She wrote back this nasty email saying i was a lier,and that he never did that. then she sent a second email. I thought this one was going to be a bit better but by the end she blamed me still. She told me that she hopes i get everything i deserve and that she hopes i never get a peaceful night sleep.She hopes dreams of shawn keep me awake at night (which they do all the time by the way)

SO now i have to learn to move on and "get over this" as everyone tells me. There is one person here at cafemom that has been a great support to me. My wonderful PIC cloudweaver has been trying like hell to give me the support I need. And she has been a wonderful friend and sister to me.
But i want to know if anyone else out there has dealt with something like this and how do you learn to forgive yourself or at least move on. How do you know in your heart that there is more you could of done to prevent this tragedy, and yet were helpless to do anything at the same time  

So now i have to learn to forgive myself which i dont know how to do or even if i want to. i know that sounds odd but i do blame myself for his death. not the rape actually but his death I do.

When he walked away from me for the last time, i told him to keep on walking, that i did not care if he did not come back. I did say to him as he walked away, down the road if he ever needed a friend that i would be there but not to expect it anytime soon. He told me that he was going to kill himself, and he had said it many times before so i did nto think anything of it. I told him that he could go right ahead. I did not care anymore.

THose words will always haunt me, i have never been so rude to someone or said something to someone to let them know i did not care. I understand it was the morning after the rape, but i should of known his state of mind. And for that reason i feel so guilty. SO how do i learn to move on. Anyone who has been here especially please help. Those that can give good advise or words of help...thanks. 
AND FOR CLOUDWEAVER....with out you I would be lost. For all you do and for all you are, thank you always. You truly are my P.I.C. and my kindered spirit. You are more then just a friend or a sister, you truly are my Partner In Crime...thank you


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Feb. 1, 2008 at 9:18 PM

Sometimes it seems like you can unpack but you still have to store the suitcase.  There is forgiveness through Jesus but just because you forgive does not mean that you are obligated to continue on with things as they were.  If I were you I would put a block on her my-space.  You did not make him pull that trigger.  You do not have to live in the past!



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Feb. 1, 2008 at 9:22 PM

Well Jay like I know how you feel about me the same goes from me to you. Now with that said, its not easy to forgive oneself but yet it must be done. Simply say I forgive myself and let it go. Next start counting all the wonderful blessings you have in your life. You nor anyone else for that matter can change the past we have to live with it. IN that time frame when you uttered those words you had not a clue that he was actually going to do it. I think the guilt of what he done to you was also a key factor. Yet he is totally responsible for his actions. He hurt you and thus you did what anyone would do in that situation. You meant to hurt but not to that degree. If he was always saying about doing suicide how was anyone to take him seriously then? I know I wouldnt of. Tis part of being a human being. As far as this other friend doing the emails and etc that is cruel and mean. She needs to let go. If she doesnt stop she can be in trouble for mental cruelty. She would get banned and well that would have to be it. Stop beating yourself up over the past. You didnt have a clue that he was going to finally do what he said. Forgive him and others would help as well. Reason being that now after all this time its still affecting you. You may need counselling to help but nothing wrong with that. Just know you arent whatever that other friend said you are nor do you need any more abuse or cruelty over this. Remember I am here and not going anywhere.

Hugs and kisses

Your P.I.C. now and always

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Feb. 4, 2008 at 11:33 AM The woman that sent the email needs a shrink .Being raped is no laughing matter and for someone to blame you for something you had no control over well that is just bullshit .Rape is not always in th ephysical form it can happen in many ways .He like my friend Cloudweaver says is responsible for killing himself not you an dthe past that is just that the past . Can't take it back and you cannot change it but you can learn from it

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