Enter the mind of Bethany

ahhhhhh the randomness of it all

So I haven't talked to my daughters father since October of 2006, the last thing he said to me was to "blow it out my a**"  He made ZERO contact until her birthday last year when he sent a card and some money.  The card was really to get to me and he used my daughter to do it.  I filed for child support and custody in August of last year and miraculously after being served twice he started sending me money.  It hasn't been consistent and to be honest I am suprised it lasted as lonf long as it has.  Anyways where I am going with this is for some strange reason I want to talk to him on the phone.  I have sent him letter and pictures of her and have gotten no response.  When he sends me money he just sticks it in the envelope, nothing else.  He rents a room in a Peruvian couple house in Florida.  I have tried calling five or six times over the last six months.  The first two times they told me I had the wrong number, after that the phone just rings.  I tried calling last week and couldn't get through.  He has nothing but anger and hatred toward me for "taking his daughter away from him" 

If you don't know my back story, I was addicted to crack and meth and when I found out I was pregnant quit totally, left him and found the Lord.  I have been on the straight road ever since and that's part of his anger toward me.  He knew exactly what he needed to do and didn't, he chose his addiction over me and her more than once and I made the best choice in leaving.  Anyways I get really angery and bitter towards him, even more so when I am having a bad day. Being a single mom is the hardest, most exhausting, yet at the same time the MOST rewarding thing I have ever done and I wouldn't for a second go back to him.  I guess whhere my thoughts are going then is why do I want to talk to him so bad.  He caused me nothing but pain and heartache and yet I want to hear his voice.  I am not in love with him anymore and haven't been for awhile.  I think I have this idea in my head that he is going to change and do the turn around that I did and come here and be the father that my daughter deserves.  But while I don't want to put God in a box and say it won't happen, deep down I know it won't he has been an addict for so long and forgive me for saying but I believe he will die with that pipe in his mouth and that breaks my heart.

 I guess my question to all you single mommies out there who are totally on your own did you ever have that fantasy and want to call him and how did you deal with it.  I know calling him and actually talking to him on the phone would just be harder than not hearing from him because we would just fight but part of me misses him and I don't know why.  I guess part of me is tired of being a single mom.  I want someone to help me and be the father that my daughter can look up to.  I know that the Lord has someone awesome in the wings for us and right now I am working on being content right where I am.  And what I am wanting in a man is what I need to be seeking from God but this is hard and I am sooooooo tired.  My mind, my body and my heart is tired.  I love my daughter with every ounce of who I have become.  I guess I am just hitting kind of a stalemate.............

Sorry if this jumped around I just really needed to get some of that off my chest and I know someone on here will understand,

Thanks for listening

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Comments:

mishkins
Feb. 1, 2008 at 11:04 PM i always have this thought in the back of my head like yea things somehow will work out with arden's dad...but honestly why would i want them to he is on eof the most horrible human beings i have ever met. i think it sjust in our nature, truth be told these are the father sof our babies but seriously you don't need him, look how good you have don eon your own. i really thing letting someone like that back into your life just isn't the right thing for you or your daughter. <33333

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Turtl...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 12:51 PM

Hey there, I know how you feel.  Before I knew the true depth of my ex's horribleness, I wanted that, too.  I think Mish is right, we just want things to work with our daughters' dads, it's in our nature.  But I think it is best for all of us that is doesn't.  She doesn't need that element in her life.  And as for you and him, you don't need him back in your life, either, you have been doing great without him so far, and you will continue to!

 

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rmattes
Feb. 11, 2008 at 1:40 PM

I understand where you are coming from. My daughter's father isn't that bad, we have contact with him, but he hasn't seen her since she was 3 months old - and we have to go to him. I think a lot of you wanting to call him has to do with your daughter. I know whenever Nevaeh does something cute, I want someone there to share it with...and he is my logical choice, because that is her father. Honestly, I also miss the companionship. Just having someone there to talk to who knew me so well for so long. But I remind myself that I am a totally different person now, and he wouldn't know me anymore. But it's still hard

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Emily...
May. 17, 2008 at 3:14 PM

I went through the same thing with my daughter's father. I wanted to talk to him and wanted him to come around and see her. At that time I had no closure. One important thing I've learned in life is that it is important to find closure in these types of situations and it's hard. My daughter's dad never calls and has seen her like 13 hours in the last 14 months. I keep track for court stuff. Anyway... I never call, write, email or anything. I just don't care anymore.

 It sounds like you have undealt with feelings for him. Maybe you just miss having a man around.... I think you should just try to find a way to forget about him b/c he sounds like a loser. Find some friends... other single moms.

I know where your coming from. I was addicted to crack and meth also when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter 5 years ago. Since I've stuggled with prescription drug addiction ever since and I still have a battle in life. It's hard! It's hard to feel like the only parent who cares about this baby!

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