Dear sweet lover,  I miss you so much.   I just dont understand how we got to this point.  It has been a year and a half of hiding emotions and getting away with our hook-ups.   I have to admit, I have always wanted you.   Why did you start this? 

Right now I am gettting angry!   You knew how I have always known how I felt.   I never hid my feelings for you.  All throught the years, the hugs were just a little too long, whispers of "I love you" were a little too sweet....that is why your wife has always felt threatened by me....that is why my husband has had so little to do with you.....that is why we kept the distance!  Everyone has seen the look in my eyes for you...everyone knew what was there.  You knew it too.

You knew when you hit on me originally that I was a pretty sure thing.   You may not have known you were going to have to work at it as hard as you did, but you knew you would win in the end!  You knew I would not fight you knew!   I have lost so much because of you!  I have turned my marriage inside out.   I cant even make love to my husband anymore because of you!   I have a good life and have been a good wife!  I have 4 babies to think of here.   I cant tear their world apart like this.   I am miserable now!  And that is your fault.  You made me realize that the love I married was not the love of my life nor the love that I am seeking.   Why did you do that?  You knew what you could do to me, physically and emotionally....

You have no intentions here and I know that.   You are devoted to your family.  Is this playtime just something that you do every now and then?  You know when I dont talk to you for long periods of time is when I get irrational.   I know that you have to do what is right and be careful of not giving anything away at home.  You take as many risks as I do.  I just feel like I have more to loose and have lost so much more than you have!   You resigned yourself to your situation long before I came along....afterall, I was not the first.   You were.   I was happy.  I was content.  Maybe not "in love", but married to a good man and raising a stable family.  At least as stable as any family in my family tree can be.

Am I turning into our grandmother?   She always felt that someone was after her husband.  I know that some of my husbands friends are too close for my comfort....and I tend to make him miserable for it.  I know she was bitter for all she gave up to be with him and have his babies.  Was there another love for her?  for him?   I understand why that would make a person as crazy as she was.....I am beginning to feel my reality slipping away from me!  

I want you.  I want you to tell me that you love me and miss me, everyday.   I want to make a home with you.  I want to have all the kids under our roof. I want our family to be happy for us.   I want to make a baby with least one!   I can invision having a home with you and a family.  Living in the country and having your brother and sister living close by.   I can see us having a yard full of kids and entertaining them all the time with your crazy antics.   I can see having all the family around and happy for a change.  I can see having twin boys with you.   You would be so happy.    Our life would be all about the kids and I could be happy with the simplicity of that.   You would rush home to us.  I can see dancing barefoot in the dirt with you.  Life would be fun for us. 

But that really is just a dream.  The only way that a life for us would be without complications is if your wife and my husband fall off the face of the earth!   Our family would accept us together if we were consoaling each other when we fell together!   I know full well how taboo our relationship is/was/has always been.   You dont really want this, or you would leave her.   You dont want to hurt her, or you would be more willing to force our time together.  You push me away when she starts pressuring you.  You love me, but you know it is as wrong as i do.  So why did you start this anyway?

Again, I am the one with everything to loose and nothing to gain!   If you left her, you would not even have to ask me to be with would get a family and a wife that love you.   If I left my husband, I would get heart ache and head ache.   He is a good man and a provider.   He works hard at what we have.  It would be so much better if he had someone that loved him the way he deserves.  He knows I love you.  He has always known.   He has commmented on the look in my eyes for you ever since the first time he met you.   He knows that if the chance were there, I would never turn you down.  He knows in his heart.  He has told me as much.  He wants me to love him that way.  I want to love him that way.  Again, why did you start this thing we have?  

Why cant I stop thinking about you?  I worry about you.   I know she has decieved you.   I think that she may be using the promise of a baby to keep you close to her now.  She will not be a better mom....she doesnt like the 2 you have!  They are a burden not a gift!  You are a devoted father....part of why she wanted you to start with.  Being a devoted father and family man is what draws women to you.   Dont you see that?   However, you must know that I loved you first.  I wanted you first.  

Do you have any idea how long it has been since the first time I dreamed of making love to you?   I want so badly to go away with you.   A romantic weekend, just the two of us.  Spend time walking around a lake, in the woods, watching the animals around us.  Making love.   Talking about nothing and everything.  Avoiding the world for 48 hours....just the 2 of us.  Finding out that we were meant to be together after all this time.   Either that or finding out that this is all one big mistake and we have no trouble going back to the way things used to be.   I may need to hate you for a while....because I love you so much.   But if we are really bad for each other....I need to know it. 

I need to know that you are what you are.   It is so much easier for me when I see you as evil and a dog that uses women...especailly me.    You knew you could get me is why you did it.  You knew you could get away with it and that I would never risk letting anyone know.  You knew I was a safe bet and an easy one.  You used me.  

How do we end this?  Is that the real issue here?  After such a long love affair and close "family" ties, is it a matter of not wanting to hurt each other, and knowing that it is impossible to not hurt each other?   I love you.  You know that.  You have always known that.  What were you thinking anyway????   You know me, you cannot deny that!   You ran away once, why did you choose this time to come to me and want me?   I go to sleep with your voice in my head...."I want to make love to you NOW" everynight....

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