Here i go again...The realization of the need to change  my self destructive behaviors is " simple-not EASY" The merry-go-round of a relationship drives me crazy. The constant bickering, unhappiness, refusal to compromise, rejection with intimacy is more than I can bear. Yes I am bitchy, demanding, annoying, but when does it give. It is not all bad but I want more. What is wrong with me??? I have so many things to be thankful for, especially my 3 beautiful children. But there is something always nagging in the back of my mind, that I can't pin point. I can't dwell on the what ifs I have to focus on striving to better myself and stop opening myself up to known rejection. I am fighting against doing what I know is right and healthy so I can feel better, so I can feel love and acceptance. Rationally I know it has to come within, but sometimes I am to damn lazy and fearful of change and of the future... Today is a new day, thank GOD!!! Until next time.... P.S, my life is not bad by any means i just don't know my i am in a constant state of piousness......

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:46 AM


My suggestion is that you stay out of relationships for a while. They can be very stressful and also a distraction from accomplishing personal goals. I'm presently taking a long "break" and am feeling pretty darn good!


Good luck! 

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:46 AM Well you have the right attitude, today is a new day and it's easier to fall behind then to move forward...You definitely got it right though....Can't look back...And one thing that has helped me with my "issues" is DON'T PUT A QUESTION MARK WHERE GOD PUT A PERIOD".. Try that for a while I bet it will help you out some...Have a good day...

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Feb. 12, 2008 at 9:32 AM

I just happened upon your journal post and just wanted to give you my views on your situation from someone who has lived through it. 

I was too lazy, scared, hopeful for change that I never left.  I married him.  Believe me he is a wonderful guy but he never changed.  He stills rejects me sexually, we still bicker and I still feel like a nag.  I feel like I'm living in a time warp.  I will never leave him because it's not terrible, but it's just not what I wanted or pictured for myself. 

So I say don't settle unless you are completely okay with the fact that we can't change anyone and no matter how much you better yourself they will still be the same person.  I'm sure he is a great guy and Dad, I know my hubby is,  BUT he is probably not the one for you and it will be harder to go after a wedding.  You need to decide what you deserve and realize that you deserve to have what you want.  Part of the reason we stay is because the rejection has dwindled our self- esteem and we don't think we can find anyone that will love us or want us.  But now that I'm in it everyday I think we can! 

Hang in there and think about your kids and if you would ever want them to settle for less than the best.  Good luck!

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Feb. 14, 2008 at 5:41 PM

Hi I wanted to write to you Ive read through your posts & I have to say I know how you feel..

I'm in a situation that I'm hurting inside & don't know where to turn..I too have three children.But you & I sound alike in so many ways.I have no one to talk to I'm sorta a to myself person & to most on the outside I look like everything is perfect...I'm scared because Ive been doing the wife & mother ordeal for the last 20 years & I know this isn't how I pictured my Life to be..Almost all my children are gone from home & to be honest its getting lonely.. Yes there's a husband but you wouldn't know it..Everyone that knows me knows I'm married but they never have seen  my husband..hes a home body, hes not out going he likes staying home. We don't go out.I do pretty much everything alone..I'm out going a people person..But see my relationship has always been lonely its like Ive been in it by myself..I just want Acceptance,Respect,Love,Intimacy,Romance,Appreciation,to be Freaking noticed....I feel like Ive been in this so long that  Ive Lost myself I feel like I'm a trapped animal in a trap trying to get out & I'm trying to get out & I'm chewing my own limb off...I'm at the point I'm totally Numb..I'm a Great person, big Heart ,loving Funny,full of Life..All i want to do is freaking live before my time is up..But I feel guilty if I'm the one to throw in the towel..I don't want my kids to be upset with me plus like i said Ive been a wife & mother  for 20 yrs so Ive given up alot of yrs to being a full time mother & wife and that's all I know..Plus I'm not getting any younger...I settled by no choice now I have regrets..Anyhow sweetie stay true to yourself..Live Life...Write me soon lets keep in touch...  Smile..                                              Hey by the way I appreciate you for being   "A Woman & Mother."......Happy Valentines Day !!

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