Nicole's Journal

What exactly goes on in my head, anyway?

I thought I would post a journal entry describing where I've been.  Emotionally, relationship-wise...that kind of stuff.

When I finished high school, I went to college at a small Christian school near Boston, MA.  I was "engaged" at the time.  By that I mean, my bf asked me to marry him but I hadn't gotten a ring.  He did get me a ring in November of my freshman year but by January we broke up.  I was pretty depressed about "ever" finding a guy.  I know that sounds so dumb but you remember how you all were at 18-19, right?  Anyhow, my sophomore year I met someone who was a freshman and we fell in love pretty quickly.  I will call him R.  We got married the summer before my senior year.  He only went to the college for one year but moved to the area to be near me while I finished school.  Once we got married, we took an apartment in the married student housing on campus.  Things were great for us during most of our first year together and then in March, just a few months short of our one-year anniversary, his oldest brother was killed in a car accident.  R was devastated because his brother was basically the father figure in his life because his dad died when he was two.  Things went downhill from there.

R started getting online in the school's computer lab a lot and chatting/flirting with other women.  The first time I caught him, I had gone into the chat room pretending to be someone else and he tried to pick me up!  We worked through this and several other times it happened as well...everytime I forgave him.  Once I finished school, we moved back to NY to be near my family because I was expecting our first baby.  Cassidy was born and it was wonderful.  A few years later, I got pregnant with my son.  During this pregnancy, we came into some extra money and decided to get a computer for our home.  I thought about what had happened in the past but figured R would have grown up a lot since then and it shouldn't be a problem again.  

I was wrong

Almost immediately, the chatting/flirting started again.  I caught him several times but the time that stick out in my mind the most was when I received a phone call from a man from Ohio who informed me that his wife and my husband had an online relationship and that he was planning on going out there to meet him.  There was no way he could do this without my knowing, obviously, but the plans were there anyway.  I gave him an ultimatum at that point.  We go to counseling over this or you move out.  He told me he would go to counseling. 

Counseling went well for a while until the counselor decided to start talking to R about his brother's death.  After that, he no longer wanted to go and was suddenly cured!  I stuck by him a while longer, hoping.  That year, I hurt my back and so I had to take time off from work.  It was a very serious injury and at the time I worked at a psych unit of a hospital so I couldn't go back to work. I knew that he wouldn't do anything on the computer as long as I was home.  He ended up taking a security job at a local housing project and "made friends" with one of the couples there.  

That Christmas, I took our kids to visit my in-laws without him.  He claimed he had to work and couldn't get the time off.  While I was gone, I herniated another disk and when I got home, I was in severe pain.  It was a few days before Christmas.  We went shopping on Christmas Eve and it was in the back of my mind that something wasn't right between R and me.  Since I had been home, he had been sleeping on the couch, claiming he didn't want to hurt my back.  This had never happened before.  And he just wasn't as attentive as he had been.  So, that Christmas Eve, I went to bed and began journalling my feelings.  I decided to come right out and ask him if he had been cheating on me.  So, I went back downstairs and I asked him. 

He had wanted to wait until after the holidays to tell me.  But, he was having an affair with the woman of this couple he had met at the housing project.  He had even had her in our bed while I was gone visiting his family.  I was extremely hurt.  He told me he wanted a divorce. 

It took me a long time to get to sleep that night.  I called a bunch of people that night...I was so confused.  The next morning, we did Christmas with the kids and then R took us over to my parents' house, as we did every Christmas.  I had already told him he wasn't welcome there.  The last thing he asked me in the car before I got out was, "How am I going to get my Christmas presents from your parents?"  I laughed sarcastically and told him that I'd mail them to him.  The nerve!  It was probably the worst Christmas I had ever had. 

When I got in my parents' house, my brother (who is married to one of my best friends, whom I called the night before) was so upset, we thought he was going to have a heart attack.  He wanted to go out and kill R.  And I mean, KILL  him.  My parents had no idea what was going on at that point so I filled them in.  I spent the day with my family crying and getting lots of support.

The next day, my pastor and his family came over and took down all of my Christmas decorations for me.  My crying was over and I pretty much went into survival mode.  It was wonderful to have so much support.  A bunch of my friends also came over and helped me pack up R's stuff that he was coming to pick up.  It was a bitter end.  But, I can say that I stuck it out as long as I could.  And I knew that when I stand before God someday, the fault of my marriage failing had nothing to do with me.  I'm sure I made mistakes but I never strayed.  I tried to be as good a wife as I could be even through all of that.  I supported him when he wanted to go into criminal justice and we were very active in our church. 

The months rolled on and I got into a few really dumb relationships.  One guy verbally abused me and started bordering on physical abuse.  I got out of that relationship with a lot of support from friends.  Another guy promised me the world but neglected to tell me that he was actually still married...and living with his wife, even though they were supposedly on the outs.  I felt like my heart had been through a blender. 

I realized then that God wasn't going to bring me my future husband (the real one!) until my divorce was final.  So, once my divorce was final, I started writing letters to my future husband.  Lo and behold a month later, I met Craig.  

God really does know what He's doing.  If you listen to Him, He will not steer you in the wrong direction.  He's amazing like that!  Even through all the baloney I've been through, I can see God's hand in all of it.  And I'm much stronger for it too! 

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 7:18 PM

This is Craig,  I have never seen what Nicole was doing on here, but what an incredible story.  I am honored to be the one she puts her trust in agter all that.  I love you Baby!

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Feb. 10, 2008 at 5:09 PM I am so glad you have found your man! You have been though alot and sound like a very strong woman because of that.

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