I need to get this out before I end up in a padded room. I have not really slept in a few days. When I do finally go to sleep, I have to have contact with my DH (like my foot has to touch his, or my hand on his arm). The moment he gets out of bed or moves I am up. I can't figure out why I am like this way.  Like an insecurity issue.

The verdict on my nephew came in on Wed.  My mom calls me (I already knew b/c my little sis called me at 7am) to tell me about the trial.  Towards the end she starts crying and says I will call you back. I asked her what was wrong. She tells me this is hard.  My mom (rather my whole family) shows no emotion.   I was calm, cool, and collective while on the phone with her. Then a few hrs later it hits. I cried for hours.  She told me "Do not read the paper here."   Well, guess what I do?  Read the damn paper. 

The way they talked about C and the person I know he is..is like 2 different people. They have a place where you can read comments.  You would think I would have just got off of the page but NO, I had to read the comments.  They were bashing him. Then I get to this really long one. It says things like his mom was a whore at 17, he grew up in what most would call a normal middle class family. But his mom made it a point to tell him everyday that he was a mistake and she hated him, his mom allowed his step dad to abuse him and RAPE him. They all knew and swept it under the rug.

I immediately vomitted in the office trash can. I was shaking and crying. I didn't know what to do.  After I some what gathered my composure, I answered the comment. I got an apology from the person who wrote it. She asked me to email her. C had dated her for a long time.  Later, the whole article and comments were deleted by the paper. But now they have 2 more articles and full of comments. Here I am reading them and checking for new ones several times a day.

Yesterday morning I get a call from my mother. She is asking how we are doing and just bsing. Then she says, I read your comment. I said Oh. She says I read all the comments.  I said even the one about sexual abuse. She says Yes. I asked her if she knew about anything like that. She says "No, I don't think your sis would have put up with that."  I said ok. Then we talked more about the new articles n comments.

Now I am analyzing.  She tolerated him being beat for 13 yrs.  She just might tolerate him being sexually abused too. Hell, according to my aunt, my parents knew he was being beat and did nothing. So how do I know they don't know about this?

I mentioned to C what I read. He didn't answer.  He was quiet then started talking about something else.  I want to know. I am not going to ask my family questions. I am going to go to C with this stuff. I won't mention the R word. I will just say it in a way that he had to read between the lines. He needs to tell someone if this did happen.

Do you know how hard it is to hold in things that are bothering you? I love DH to death but I can't bring myself to tell him about all of this and how it makes me feel. I can't talk to anyone about it. I do feel better writing this down.

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 3:49 PM

I don't know what has been going on with your nephew, but I am truly sorry.  If you can possibly share any of what you are feeling, I suggest you do so.  He is bound to know that you are going through some pain right now, and he may really have no idea how to help, but letting him in on how you are feeling can at least give him some insight.  I hope that things start getting better for you.  At the very least, I am glad you are able to write about things here and that has to help some.



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Feb. 3, 2008 at 4:06 PM I really wish I knew how to help you. It sucks that I live so far away. I would give you a big hug if I could. I know it isn't much...but it would help. I think you need to talk about it with Dave. Let him be there for you. That is what our life partners are for, right? You really need him right now...and I am sure he is willing to be there for you...if you give him the chance. I am still here if you need to talk. Hang in there.

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Feb. 10, 2008 at 9:05 AM Feel free to talk anytime you like. I am so sorry for this kid it is such a waste.

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