So we have been contemplating divorce for a while now. Today, after so many conversations about how incompatible we are, I told him that maybe he should view me as a habit.  I mean, he's better at kicking habits than I am, so do what you need to do. He actually said that he would prefer to have a wife that drank, stayed out all night, lied and cheated who would have him a cooked meal every night and a clean home. Needless to say that I don't cook every day and I refuse to clean up after grown ass people who can take care of themselves.

I told him that if I were all the things he just spoke of, we would be sitting here on the side to the bed with him saying just the opposite. The grass is always greener on the other side ladies. We always want what we don't have. Any way, he denied that was the case. I told him that our problem was that he sees no value in me.    And guess what? He came to me a few minutes later and told me that I was correct. HE DOES NOT SEE WHERE I HAVE ANY VALUE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP OF OVER 23 YEARS!   OK, I had already suspected that, but to hear it really hurts like hell.

I have soooooooooo tolerated too much in my life with this man. If you ladies only knew, you would probubly deny the fact that you even know of me. Things that I know my GOD has forgiven me for, but have yet to forgive myself for.  I think that I may have to come back later to finish this because the tears won't let me see.

Add A Comment


Feb. 2, 2008 at 6:08 PM Forgive yourself...Don't put a question mark where god put a period...

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 2, 2008 at 6:12 PM

Every woman has value. If after 23 years he doesnt see it then its his loss. I agree I dont believe in picking up after grown adults. Did he just marry you to have a mother? Maid? Slave? IF so then he needs to get real. We have many various talents. One is organization. Another is taking care of things in a crisis. We know about time management.  Many of the skills a wife and/or mother have are skills for the workforce. Just tell him he owes you for the many hours you took care of things so he could sleep and go to work. The things you took care of while he worked. You are so much more than he ever realizes. I hope this helps.

Have a great day!:)

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 2, 2008 at 7:14 PM

you know you're my girl. this posting broke my heart. you're a wonderful person, a strong woman and a loving wife and mother. you certainly have value - there's just no questioning that. i don't know, none of us do, what goes on in your heart and in your home; that's private. but make sure to keep your head high and your mind clear. sounds like someone likes to plant negative thoughts. don't give them root!

23 years is a long time; you should feel proud of that accomplishment. i hope you both talk again, but with compassion and warmth this time. men can be so crude and hurtful, it's because they feel weaker.

i love you sister. i'm here for you... for real, i'm close. you wanna talk, let me know.  i know where brooklyn is!! (smile)

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 2, 2008 at 8:17 PM

Talk to God and let Him guide you.  You have to love yourself as much as God loves you, and He doesn't want to see His child hurting!

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 4, 2008 at 4:22 PM

Wow! I had no idea you were going through this. The good thing is that ya'll talk. At least you don't have to try to figure out where his head is. I think him not seeing worth in you in not so much that you are worthless, it's that you are not what he feels he needs. He seems to want the woman of old to be home, cook, and clean, and worship the ground he walks on. He wants you to "Know your place woman!" Obviously that's not who you are. I don't know if that's ever been the case but from what I understand, that is not who you are so in that, you are not what he needs in that aspect. Is that a bad thing? NO!!! Sometimes ignored expectations from the past push it's way to the future and sometimes expectations change which can cause compatibility issues. Some people are flexible and willing to work out the changes and some are not.

 I would try to adjust with you being o.k. that to him, you have no worth to him, AS LONG AS YOU REMAIN TRUE TO SELF! You know, take me as I am or have nothing at all. If someone doesn't like or love me and wants to leave me because I won't be molded to what they want me to be, then I'll cut my losses and he'll realize eventually that he is as stupid as we know them to be.

I wish you healing and courage and like the first mom said, don't put a question mark where God puts a period!!!  You are worth a heck of a lot to God.

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 6, 2008 at 2:18 AM

I want to thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart for all of the heart felt  words of encouragement. It mean a lot to know that there is a place to come and share, and to not be judged or belittled. May you all be blessed for all the good that you do! I mean that from the bottom of my soul.

Message Friend Invite (Original Poster)

Mar. 5, 2008 at 8:53 PM Wow, I'm sorry that I had not seen this post earlier.  How are you doing?

Message Friend Invite

Mar. 10, 2008 at 5:25 PM

Peace friend,

I don't check journals often because I will get caught up for hours in replying and musing, but I need to respond to this.  I'm probably much younger than you with very little experience in life by comparison, and you may even have children my age,, but still I need to say this.  I've been in my relationship for almost eleven years now, and I can honestly tell you that if he cannot see your value, if he cannot see what you do for your family and for him, then the problem, my sister, is not with you.  The problem, is with him.  My relationship hit similar snags at the seven year mark and you're right, it hurts like hell to have those things said about you by the person who swore before his god to take care of your heart...a person who would not take into consideration the pain you've gone through to bear his children, the hard work you put in to raising his seed.  The only thing he is showing and proving is that he has become unworthy of your love.  But I know, you can't stop loving him, even with all the anger, and the "hatred" and the fighting and the cruel words, you still remember the man you fell in love with and know that he's somewhere in there behind the sickness... unfortunately sometimes, people truly change for the worst.  I cannot advise you on what may help you, because I do not know this man you love.  I do know you love him - because you still care what he thinks... Sis, look at yourself in the mirror and see what it is that you desire...


Message Friend Invite

Mar. 11, 2008 at 6:40 PM ((hugs)) I am so sorry he would say something so hurtful.  Remember that many things said in anger are said to hurt, not out of truth.  How could he not value a woman who has given him ten children?!  You are a beautiful woman, sister, with a beautiful family.  I remember Min. Farrakhan saying that believers would be given one big trial every year, because through trials we are purified, but know that Allah will not give you more than you can handle.  I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, and if you need anything, or just to chat I am always here! 

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in