I'm feeling frustrated and am in need of unloading.  I feel like if I unload on my husband, he'll get upset; if I unload on my mom, she'll think to herself, "again?!"; and if I unload to my closest friend, she'll get tired of listening to me go on.  So, I'm going to write it out just to get it out.

So far, motherhood has not been what I expected.  Before I became pregnant, I prided myself in being a very positive person.  That's something that people who know me used to always say about me: Shannon's very positive and tries to look at everything in the best light.  I have been around children my entire life and just love them.  To me, becoming a mother was a natural, exciting next step.  

But, since the day I got pregnant (I'm not even kidding, I could probably pinpoint the day!), I've had a struggle.  The first trimester, I was so sick.  I threw up every single morning, sometimes during the day.  My breasts hurt so bad that I had to exclusively wear sports bras.  And I was so exhausted all the time that I would even fall asleep sitting up on the couch right after dinner.   I even had these struggles into my second trimester.  The second trimester improved, but wasn't easy.  I had a difficult time accepting my weight gain and gained much more than what my OB wanted me to.  I think I gained my "goal weight" by the time I was 7 months pregnant.  Then, my last trimester, the throwing up came back, swelling made a debut, and I had some leaking problems that landed me on bedrest for a little while and gave us quite a scare.  I know it could have been much worse, but I so badly wanted to be that glowing pregnant woman.

I assumed that after the pregnancy, things would get better.  But then I had my traumatic delivery (see my previous journal entry if you want the full story on that).  And a traumatic hospital stay.  And a traumatic recovery.  TRAUMATIC because I wasn't expecting it at all.  Everyone kept telling me "it's not that bad," and that I'd be back on my feet within days.  6 weeks later, I was still walking funny!  

The biggest and most frustrating struggle, though, has been breastfeeding.  I have always said that I'd breastfeed my children.  It's something my mother did for me and my siblings and something I wanted to share with my children.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't expect it to be the way it has been.  First, my little man had a very tense jaw from his traumatic delivery, so his latch was incredibly painful and it was very difficult to feed him.  He ripped my nipples apart!  I was bleeding and in such terrible pain, but everyone told me that after a week or so it would get better so I stuck with it.  Then, I got mastitis.  Christmas morning I woke up feeling like I had the flu.  Turns out, I had mastitis.  I spent 99% of my son's first Christmas in bed, crying from the pain.  Then, the medication used to cure that gave me thrush on my nipples.  I thought the mastitis was uncomfortable...WOW, thrush is just as uncomfortable, if not more.  I've been pumped full of medications, using "natural" treatments, and pushing through and continuing to nurse...then, today I wake up with terrible pains in my breasts again.  9 weeks of negative nursing experience.  

Seriously, it's been almost a year since I have felt well.  Almost a flippin' year.  It is the world's most frustrating thing because I'm so upset by this that other things in my life are suffering, particularly my marriage.  I'm irritable, never in the mood for sex, resentful...I hate feeling like this.  And I get even more frustrated because my husband can't relate, and he leaves so much other stuff on my shoulders.  He works long hours, which I appreciate, but I also work full time and need help when he gets home.  Today, I have done laundry, washed dishes, taken out garbage and recycling, gone to the grocery store...all this on top of nursing my baby and changing every one of his diapers.  What did my husband do?  Make dinner.  And he expects a big thank you banner.  Are you kidding me?!  And when I tell him I'm frustrated, what's his reaction?  "I'm just a horrible person.  I do nothing around here."  And we just end up getting in a blow out fight.  So I just keep my mouth shut and stew in my anger.  I just want to go back to the way things were, but of course keep my incredible baby in the picture.  

Again, I know that things could be much worse.  And I know that many more women have gone through much worse.  But, to me, this is still devastating.  It makes me feel like I'm a bad mom, a bad wife...a bad person.  

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Comments:

scoob...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 6:54 PM first of all hugs. second of all it sounds like through all this your trying to please and live up to someone elses expections. stop. start taking care of yourself. and tell everyone to kiss your butt. and find someone who cares about how you are feeling not how much worse it could have been!

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jenz450
Feb. 2, 2008 at 7:10 PM

First of all your baby is B E A U T I F U L....Second, I think you were born to be optimistic and your NOT feel quite like that now......I think it is all to soon (from the looks on how young your baby is)...It takes alot of time to feel NORMAL again...Everything will fall back into place for you...you'll see

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JakeZ...
Mar. 11, 2008 at 5:26 PM

I know it has been a month since you placed your post, but I just wanted to let you know that it was if I had written the post describing my situation (except add a two-year old to the equation and a husband that expects to be waited on hand and foot).  Your post actually made my eyes tear up. 

I am suffering from mastitis too, and have been off and on since Nov.  I have trouble nursing my baby because of the pain, and to make matters worse I am so tired because my breasts are so sore I have trouble sleeping at night. 

I hope your situation is better now.  You are in my thoughts. 

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