Today i looked at our wedding photo and the thing that stuck out was his ears. i remember his ears so vividly in my mind. i thought about his hands,toes, ears, and whole body. then a terrible thought occurred to me; but i didnt allow myself to think about it too much......all his body parts now rot in a grave.....what a terrible and gruesome thought. I wanted to cry today. And I did briefly. But there's a storm raging inside of me brewing, ready to come out. I'm afraid it will hit when I least expect it.

 I also thought about how I'll be filing taxes as a widow this year. I was on the phone talking to my girlfriend about my taxes and started to cry. I am filing this year without my husband. Not because we are divorced, separated, or anything of the sort. No,I"ll be filing this year because I am a WIDOW. My husband is deceased. If that isnt reality, then I guess I don't know what is. 

I would not wish this on my worst enemy. No one should have to go through this. Sure, we all have to go at some point. But he was so young, full of life, and ready to take on the world. Had he lived, I am sure he would have become a lieutenant or captain or even Chief. That's how confident he was in his ability in the field.




Add A Comment


Feb. 2, 2008 at 8:37 PM

I know Sweetie.  All these firsts that we don't think about....we know about the big things, like Christmas, but it's the unexpected everyday things that come along and kick us in the gut that knock us on our butts.

My husband was cremated. He's in a black plastic box in my living room (I couldn't afford an urn). I put his picture of him in his casket on it, and there's a picture of the two of us, and a picture of him and our 2 girls with him in front of the box, in a frame. 

I get gruesome thoughts too.  I'm hoping it's normal....? 

Message Friend Invite

Feb. 3, 2008 at 8:59 PM thank you for replying and most importantly UNDERSTANDING. i hope it is normal too......

Message Friend Invite (Original Poster)

Feb. 4, 2008 at 9:21 AM

Just stopping by to send a hug across the Atlantic.

David is cremated and one day I will be cremated too. I have told Ingrid to mix our ashes together and then do as she pleases, keep us or scatter us. I just need to know that I will be with him in the end.

I understand your thoughts, I struggle with many myself too. You and I are just one month apart in our loss.

I have a hard time with memories. Everybody keep saying: "You have all these wonderful memories." The memories just make it worse because they remind me that there will be no more with him. Him, the girls and I will never, ever do anything together. We will never make new memories.

 Hugs, Hilde

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in