this night today..looks like I am starting to thaw a bit. It is 8 PM on Saturday night and actually feeling like painting than "never-starting" project for my daughter's room.

I wonder what is this that keeps me from doing my favorite things? I am not clinically depressed, not really; am I lazy - no more then anyone else; unhappy? - may be, but there are many more less fortunate people around who were not blessed with a good men for husband, beautiful healthy child, house with everything (except to few things - but there is always going to be something else we need).

I wonder why am I not writing, drawing, painting - I love it so much, and what an emotional satisfaction I get in return for devoting myself fully to these things! I have time, enough time to spare few hours.

Instead, I am sitting around with a cup of coffee, watching never-ending shows and sitcoms as if they ar e so important to me!, overeating and hating myself, therefore letting my anger go by torchering every single pipmple-looking thing on my face to the excess.

What is wrong with me, and most importantly. how do I bring myself to feel happy?! I KNOW I am happy, but I feel this sadness inside me and it is big and sticky, and it feels that is swallowed me whole. Even a though of myself feeling unhappy puts me in a worse depression, because I know that God blessed me with so many things I should be endlessly thankful for, and instead I am waisting all these wonderful gift and my life along with them. What is wrong, please someone tell me I am not crazy!!!!?

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Comments:

MrsHa...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 8:40 PM

You are not crazy, maybe just in a funk.  I get that way sometimes, usually worse in the winter.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is very common.  They say it is from the lesser amount of sunlight we have during the winter.  How to get out.. no easy answer.  Looks like you are writing here so that's a good start.  Good luck : )

K

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olgag...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:03 PM Thank you for the support. I guess I am getting better, I am just affraid that's not for long....

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ladyd...
Feb. 18, 2008 at 9:29 PM

I think is just a winter time and nothing more. Wait , spring is coming it will give you a wings. Some times we all feel like that. Do not worry. Come here to Texas for some sun treatment .Hugs...

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