I need some opinions from my trusty and wise CM friends. This is going to be a bit long, so please bare with me. My emotions are everywhere, so I apoligize if this is doesn't make much sense.

Here's a little bit of history on the situation: My sister and I had a HUGE fight about 6 months ago, a fight so big that I had to call the police and see about getting a possible restraining order AND actually having police patrol by my house several times a day. I was scared for my family and myself as to why I had to take extreme messures. My husband started carrying his gun again because he didn't trust my sister or BIL. I would literally have my windows closed on bright sunny days because I was affraid of them. The fight was over my sister trying to drag me into her drama and I told her because I had recently gone through a miscarriage (which I didn't know I miscarried a twin and am still carrying the other one at the time) I wanted to stay out of HER problems because I didn't need the added stress. I was an emotional wreck at the time and was literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My sister didn't like the fact that I told her I wanted nothing to do with her problems she was having between her and my uncle. She took it as a personal attack, which wasn't my intention at all. I just needed some time for myself to be with my husband and daughter. A miscarriage is a VERY emotional thing to go through and she didn't understand this, obviously. Anyway, to personally attack me, she sent my aunt, whom she dragged into her drama, an e-mail and was telling my aunt all these lies that I was supposedly saying about her. She twisted ALOT of things that I did say, which I will admit to, but I was  honest and open about saying these things...it was how I was feeling at the time and had alot of anger towards my aunt, but I took full responsibilty for everything I ACTUALLY did say about her. So, my aunt started calling me harassing me on my home phone and cell phone. Yeah, real mature on her part, huh?

After my aunt started harassing me on the phone, my sister came over one day. I told my sister in an e-mail she was not welcomed at my home at this time because I was cleansing my home of ALL negative energy and she was not welcome. She came over anyway, against my wishes and started yelling at me...in front of my daughter, by the way. She was cussing, which in my home is unacceptable and she knows this! I told her I was going to call the police if she did not leave and that's when she finally left. This is why I went to the police station right afterwards to file a report against her. There were other things involved as well, but I don't want to get into it right now. So, this is where we left off last. She drove a wedge between my mother and I, along with my aunt. We  haven't talked nor have we seen each other around town. Of course, I don't really leave my home because I want to avoid her at all costs.

Anyway, for the past MONTH I've been having these reoccuring dreams of my sister and I hanging out. The dreams aren't positive nor are they negative...I feel neutral when I wake up. I asked God what these dreams meant when they first started happening and He told me to be patient the first time. So, I kept getting MORE of these dreams! Still, I was feeling very neutral when I woke up. I wanted to feel angry though, to be honest! But I couldn't *feel* angry, I had no reason to feel angry. Anyway, about a week and a half ago after more dreams of my sister, I asked God again what these dreams were trying to tell me! He spoke to me and He spoke HARD. He said, "I'm preparing you now for the month of February. Be on guard for what's to come." I knew this meant my sister was going to try and contact me in the month of Feb.! I was anticipating it, actually.

Today I go out and check the mail and sure enough, there's a letter in the mail from my sister and BIL. I started to cry immediately before opening it. I KNEW this was what God was preparing my heart for. But I still don't know how to handle this. I came inside and opened it, but before I opened it, my MIL (who happens to be in town this weekend and is a psychotherapist) askes me if I want a hug. I hugged that woman SO hard and SO long and just cried like a baby. (I've been struggling these past few days because now that I'm getting closer to this birth, I think back to Eva's birth and I remember having my sister there as my emotional and physical support. She helped me breathe even though she didn't know what the hell she was doing and she talked me through the really strong contractions. I was thinking how sad it was that I wouldn't have her support this time around, and I didn't really even know if I *wanted* support from her again either. It's just been a really emotional week.) Anyway, after hugging my MIL and crying, I finally wiped away my tears and opened the  letter. My MIL held onto me as I read it, and it was so comforting to  have her there with me. The letter said:

Tom and Vanessa,

Lately you both have been on my heart. I love you very much and hope that one day very soon our relationships will be repaired. This time stronger than ever and with a new foundation. If and when you decide that the time is right, I'd love to schedual a time to get together.

Love You!


 And here's what my BIL wrote:

My brother and sister,

Although our differences have parted us as of the recent, no matter what, you guys have and always will be part of Erica and I. To me, 2008 is about change. One change that has been on my heart is to change our relationship--for the better--through the acceptance of our differences and know that no matter what, you guys are family...



I should also write a little background behind MJ and me. We've deffinately had our up's and down's...mostly DOWNS though. From the first second I met him, I didn't  have good feelings about him. I felt this energy of lust and dishonesty from him. I expressed my concern to my sister before she married him, and she got very angry at me. I didn't give my blessings on their marriage because I didn't have a good feeling about him. I won't go into the details of WHY, but I had legit reasons. Anyway, after they married, they moved from LA to Indiana to be here with my mom, dad and me. He stole from my parents (they lived with my parents for 8 months) and when I confronted him, he twisted it and put it on me. I got the blame, once more. One time he almost hit me. He was threatening my sister and calling her a whore and bitch and slut, so I stepped in and told  him if he wanted to use that type of language around women, this was not the place. He got in my face, had his fist drawn as if he was going to severely punch the crap out of me. I called him out and said if he was such a "man" then he would hit me. His friend was there and his friend pulled him away. My sister ended up staying with me (out of fear!) for almost a week. She talked of divorcing, but never went through with it. My BIL is a manipulator, to say the least. Anyway, when everything blew up between my sister and I, I told her that I didn't  have any respect for her husband at all because he is untrustworthy and selfish and I saw her going down that route too. She got very angry at me and started defending him, which is fine...that's her husband and maybe I did over step a boundry, but I was being completely honest with her because she DID ask me how I felt about him. So, there's a tiny bit of history about my past with my BIL. Don't get me wrong, he has done many nice things to me too though.

So, there's where the story leads us to. I'm in a dilema and need my CM friends' wisdom here. What are your thoughts on this? I mean, obviously God was preparing me for this, but still my emotions are running rampant and I feel like I'm stuck for some reason. I've been crying all day, which has been NO fun, especially at a nice resturant where people are watching me sob all over my salad! What would you do in this situation? Thoughts?


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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:16 PM

I'm gonna dive in here cos this sounds similar to what happened with me and my best friend. We didn't speak for a year, but managed to reconnect.

First, I'm pretty sure you realize it was nerve-wracking for your sister and BIL to take the first step. I think a letter was a good idea since it's giving you time to make your decision. If you and sister have had such a strong relationship in the past, I would say to go ahead and try to reconnect with her. I would suggest writing her back first vs calling or seeing her. Let her know you may need some time before things become very close between the two of you. And, for sure, let her know - however you feel is appropriate - that your family's well being takes precedence over her issues. It's great that she feels that she can come to you for support, but that doesn't give her free rein to ignore your house rules or *your* choice not to be involved.

These are just my opinions and feel free to ignore them if they don't feel right to you. But you do have my best wishes for fixing this with your sister. Good luck!

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:17 PM i think you need to keep your MIL in close contact. she sounds like a woman who can help you get through your tough times, and is obviously a shoulder you can cry on. she is obviously well-educated, have you tried asking her opinion about this situation?

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:19 PM If you wanted to get together with them, you should do on a neutral ground.  Somewhere public and peaceful where there is people around.

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:26 PM

llansky, after I read the letter and cried, she asked to read it and I let her. She knows what type of person my sister is (and has analyzed her from the first time she met her...it's her profession so she can't help it lol). Anyway, my MIL isn't too fond of my sister because of things that happend in the past regarding how she's treated me (this is NOT the first time this sort of thing has happend either). Anyway, she told me that if I decide to sit down with her and talk, to SET BOUNDRIES for myself and my family. And to make it clear that if she over steps any of these boundries to be sure and address the subject when it comes up and to take a break from the relationship. Which makes alot of sense. I just don't like having rifts in my family.

One of the hardest parts for me right now is NOT calling her and saying LETS MEET RIGHT NOW! Growing up, I was the peace maker in the family, not only between my sister and I, but with EVERYONE...aunts, uncles, cousins, MY OWN PARENTS because they were too immature to deal with their own problems. I was the mediator with everyone. I don't like having any sort of bad blood in my family because that reflects on my karma in a not so positive way. I want to shed light and have light around me, and this is where I'm struggling HARD because it would be too easy to pick up the phone and talk.

I just wanna cry.

Thank you, PerpetualPonder  for your advice! And yes, it did take ALOT for my sister to write the letter because of how prideful she is, so I do need to keep that into consideration as well.

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:29 PM your BIL is about change this yr?  what kind of stuff is that?  I'd be leary of BIL wanting something.  You can have a relationship with your sister without him around.

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 11:58 PM  Hmmmm...i understand cuz i want thru the worst war with my sisters with Billy's  pregnancy and i had NO family support my entire pregnancy and it was just horrible. I can believe your sister possibly changing for the better but your BIL is the one i would be worried about. I mean, is there anyway she would compromise and leave him out of the picture in your personal relationship with her since he's obviously always been the root of the problem? Thats the only way i can see it working out...

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 9:31 AM

Wow .... bugs hugs now to you!!!  ♥

I totally agree with your MIL about setting boundaries....Running to your sis with open arms and pretending like this never happened isn't right, but there needs to be a plan....

maybe your wonderful MIL can sit down with you and your hubby and make a list of things and go over them...(having outside party would help)  This way your sis and BIL can see in writing how you were hurt and will not allow it to happen again....

This time in your life when precious baby #2 is about to be born is something you don't want her to miss out on again....but she needs to know where the relationship now stands...

I am happy and encouraged by the letters....the ball was in her court to grow up and by writing those she started in the right direction.... 

I got you in my prayers today my friend...... 

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 10:02 AM

Hi Sweetie, sounds like God has been working on Your Sister & BIL. My Advise would be to move forward with what they have told you in that letter.I believe with all your praying, God has given you the strength now to deal with them. Sounds like they want to make the change. Go with your heart, you will do the right thing. Maybe your Sister can be with you this time when you deliver your new baby. Life on earth is short, we never know if we will have another chance to make peace with our love ones.

Good Luck & May God Bless!  From your internet Friend, Mama Rita

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Feb. 4, 2008 at 2:57 PM

I'd say you should reconnect with them. However, I'd suggest taking it slowly. Maybe watch what you say about others around your sister, so it can be misconstrued. Also, I'd suggest explaining to her why you said what you said during your miscarriage.

Best of luck to you!

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