Chrome Cowgirl Chronicles

As screwed up as it may be, it's MY life

So this is it. We are at the end of the road. But the end of one is usually the beginning of another, right? Right now, all I can really see is that this is the end. Both of our parents are of course hoping there will be some sort of reconciliation in the future. . . he however has made it clear to me there is no possibility of that whatsoever. Things change everyone says. Well duh, how do you think we got here?

Anyway, I just really don't know what to think. I mean there are things that I am looking forward to, some definite perks to this; like being back in Cali and getting away from some of the things that I don't like about Drew. But on the other hand, no matter what, my heart is breaking. He doesn't understand why I am still so emotional. He really doesn't get how much this hurts me. Right or wrong, whoever is at fault, whoever wants this more than the other, it still hurts. He can be the biggest asshole in the world, but I still love him and it kills me that there will no longer been an "us".

So much time and love and effort, all just pushed to the wayside. I wish he showed some emotion. But I guess it is alot to ask. I have a better idea of why he doesn't seem hurt by this, but deep down I almost know that he still does hurt. Eventually he will miss me. Even if it is for a moment. I just want us to be able to get along. Not only for CJ but for each other. I love him too much to just write him off. That CJ would be the only reason to talk to him or see him is not what i want. Even if we did not have CJ, I would still want to be a part of each other's lives. I love him too much to stop caring. To try and pretend that his life doesn't matter to me. because it does. His health and well being, his job and his happiness, this all matters to me. But to be completely honest, I am not to the point where I want him to be happy. He tells me that he hopes I am happy, because he plans on being happy, but I am still at the point where I DO NOT want him to be happy with anyone else. Eventually I will get over that, but right now all I want is for him to miss me and be miserable without me. How horrible of a person does that make me?

We said many times that we would have been better off as friends, he even told me once that I would have been a cool sister to have, I guess it is time to see if that is true. It's been weird around here, because we have gone through so many different types of interactions. We've picked on each other like brother and sister, We've fought and yellled and said nasty things, we've acted like acquaintances, and even got a long a few times.

It is just so hard to accept that this is real. But it will sink in, I hope, at some point. . . I don't really know what to say or do or how to deal, I am just kind of rambling on and trying to make sense of things, but it's hard. Anyway, I guess I will get back to making my get away cds. . .

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 10:56 PM I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Your words touched me.  Good luck.

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Feb. 2, 2008 at 11:05 PM hey girl  i'm so sorry for what your going though .. if you need to talk  ppl say i'm a very good listener  .. and keep your head up .. life does throw us some curve ball  

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 7:42 AM

He will miss you at some point. Trust me. You may not know when, but he will. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I went through it, and it is tough as Hell! can be strong person without him. Who knows what God has in store for you? Someone better will come along , I promise. Maybe you can get into some single parenting clubs out in Cali. I wish the best for you. I know you are feeling really down right now, but it does get easier with time. As for you not wanting him to be happy....Hell yea! That is absolutely normal! But, as time goes by, those feelings will diminish as well. I am here if you need to talk!

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 9:26 AM OH honey, you not wanting him to be happy yet does NOT  make you a horrible person.  One you're too sweet for that, and two why would you want him to be happy yet?  I pray that you day by day find peace or some way to do better, and maybe even find a way to fix things with him.  Hang in there hon.  **Shaye**

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 12:32 PM You know I am here for you!!!!

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