I wake and start my day, wondering what your doing today. I know your in class , but I still wonder. I get our son, change his diaper talk to him. Like this child is going to answer me, but still I talk to him asking him if he slept good, did he dream...what did you dream about.

 Change him, get him his sippy cup of milk. Take my meds. Get him breakfast. Talk to him about his dream some more. Looking at the clock wondering if your thinking of me at this moment. Make some coffee, see what is scheduled.

 Drink my coffee while ds is eating watching what ever is on noggin. Check my e-mails/myspace/cafe mom/checking account. The normal every day websites. Then I get to cleaning ds cos he's usually done eating by the time I get to cafemom. Go figure!

 Put his highchair away. Watch Dora with him. I'm not a big fan of dora for obvious reasons. Do the counting thing with ds. Once he's distracted by his toy cars I clean. I save my vacuuming for nap times and at night he's still a bit scared of it. Look up and see it's almost lunch time for you. You and your friends probably going thru the line then sitting down to eat, me I'm prepping for dinner and praying that ds will eat it.

 I lay ds for his nap...the only one he gets. I then vacuum/sweep/clean the kitty box/pick up any ds messes. I might eat if I think about it. I talk to my mom sometimes...some adult interacting and we talk about ds or dh and his new medical condition.

 Wash dishes, pour another cup of coffee and pray to make it thru the day. Before I know it, it's almost 3pm. Your still in class with other people. Me I am here trying to get the taxes done/clean/ pray for something. Granted I'm not christian and I don't pray to any particular god (s) I just say a prayer in my mind. I hear ds wake up. Change him again if he needs it. Some life I lead? I'm so F*cking pathetic.

 Check e-mails again and cafemom. Nothing! I get on the floor and play with ds. I love to hear him laugh, but to be honest I want to break down and cry. I want to give up sometimes. Look at the time, I gotta cook dinner. Good thing blue's clues is on. I cook dinner...while it's cooking in the oven I clean counters/sweep/wipe things down with bleach water mix. Trying to keep my mind busy so I don't break down and cry infront him. Not that ds would understand why I am crying. Heck I can 't even explain it sometimes.

Serve dinner/wash dishes as I go/get ds highchair so he can eat. See what needs to be cleaned. Wondering if I can scrapbook some if when he sleeps. Oh look it's a little after 6pm Dh class is probably out. He's most likely laughing it up with his battle buddies...me I'm at home with barely any friends. I talk to some on yahoo but it's not like it was when I lived in MD, but even then I wasn't happy cos I still felt empty and nothingness when I was in that moment in my life there. If you ask my mom I had lots of friends...but to be honest I didn't have a lot of friends just alot of acquaintances. Big difference there.

Well It's 8pm. I'll let you stay up a little more hope daddy calls. Seems like we aren't priority on his list. Maybe if were books/battle buddies anything but family we would have some priority in his life. We play second or last fiddle to him. I see you rubbing your eyes, come on baby baby time for bed, lets brush them teeth/bed time story...humm still no call. I love you Gabriel, i will always love you! You will hear me tell you this every night and day that I love you!

 It's close to 11 pm oh look daddy called. Sorry he's been in bed for about an hour now and I don't want to wake him. So how was your day? You passed your test that's great. You ask how we are doing...he's great not that we do much.  We have been working on his numbers since he shows great interest in them. He's such a happy baby. Oh you want to call me back in 20 min. Ok sure no problem, Love you. I'll talk to you later.

 45 min later nothing I guess he went to bed. This is my life day in and day out. When do I get to do something that is all me? Why don't you ask me what I did today? Why not ask if I cried today???? I hate feeling like this. I know people say it's depression, but it's not. I don't feel like this all the time. It's hard to express to him that I want to know that I am loved. I love you is like I'm sorry. It's so easy to say but to really mean it is another story all together. Dh doesn't show me that he loves me. Sometimes I think that he has no feelings for me anymore...maybe I'm losing it cos it's just me and ds all the time and I have no real interactions with other people. I can't say.

I try to talk to him but it doesn't seem to help at all. I'm sorry to put this on here...but I know there are a few women that must feel or think like this

 

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Comments:

Angie...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 11:33 PM I know how it feels...my husband works nights and sleeps all day, we barley see one another because our scheduals are so different. When we are together, I always have a blast, but that is maybe every other Sunday...and usually he is busy that day too. Your not alone, i'm sure many other women feel this way too. Have you thought of taking up a dance class, or yoga, or an art class or something?

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Deann...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 11:34 PM Boy, do I know how you feel! I think that every woman feels this way at one time or another, sometimes more. They may not want to admit it though. Hang in there! It's hard to let everything you are go in order to take care of that little one, but you have not disappeared! All the other mothers that are going through it know you're there! These mundane routines will all blur into nothingness with each new thing that little one does. Take care and lots of hugs and understanding from me!

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Rilei...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 2:46 AM Hey, we've been friends for a while now and I hate to you see you going though this.  I don't know what I can possibly say to make you feel better, only Keith can do that.  Maybe you need to read him this post.  He may not listen/care/respond but at least you know that you have told him how you feel.  It will be up to him to make things better.  I want you to know this though: you are a good mom, and although life seems routine, everyday that little boy will learn something new from his mommy.  Cherish every moment you and my son in law have together during the day.  I never thought I would be away from Rileigh as much as I am now and I'd give anything to go back to 'routine', to be able to stay home with her all the time.  Thats the only thing I will forever be greatful to Travis for, being able to be a SAHM.  I know it's hard, and I'm in no place to give relationship advice....but I just wanted to let you know that you are loved, and there are people who care about you....you've been a great friend to me through everything I've been through. 

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Buddy...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 10:25 AM We talked about it last night or should say early morning. I told him how I feel. And to my surprise there was no pissing contest. He wishes I was in area that I could make good friends like you amanda. He also wishes that we are together now...not later. I just get like this sometimes you know. My lifestyle isn't all that easy and try to make it work the best I can. We are going to finish talking about later on today...don't wanna go to a playdate upset. 

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