I have nothing new to add.  i'm still torn.  i'm still anguished.  now, though, i'm starting to feel mad.  i'm mad in so many different directions.  am in in some stage of grief?  i remember that when my grandma was dying of brain cancer, we had hospice come in (who by the way are angels on earth) and they talked to us kids a lot about the stages of grief...how everyone goes through them in a different order, but you hit them all at some point.  i'm mad now, really angry and indignant.  i'm mad at the agency for taking so long to figure out what was going to happen and for not filling me in sooner about their 'three kid plan'.  i'm mad at their mom for being so irresponsible with her reproduction and for being so apatheic about these amazing kids.  we aren't talking about your run of the mill kids here!  they are KICKASS!  i can't tell you how much cooler and more beautiful they are than any other kids i've ever known.  okay, i realize my opinion doesn't matter because i'm so biased.  :)  i'm mad at my family and friends for ditching because they didn't want to get too attached.  fuck that.  i had a cousin die in army service in iraq in april.  would it have been better for none of us to have gotten too attached to him because we only knew him for 30 years?  we could all be gone tomorrow.  there's so much loving to do today!  it means so much right now, especially for these kids who have known so little warmth and joy.  i'm mad at myself for not staying objective, for not remembering that the kids were put here to leave here.  i'm mad at myself for not feeling more horrible about letting them go.  trust me, i feel horrible, but i don't feel a desire to stop fostering, a desire to never have to go through this again, so it can't be that bad, right? 

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Comments:

Judes...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 11:39 PM Just know that you gave those kids something they would have never gotten with their mother....love, affection, attention....all those things that are so important at this part of their little lives.  They have learned to trust.  That alone will get them where they are going.  If they have to leave you, as long as they are going to another home who will continue the tradition you started of warmth and love, they  have a very strong foundation upon which to build.  YOU did that.  And you can continue doing it for the countless other children who so desperately need it.  Maybe that's your calling - for these little children to come to you and for you to start the foundation of love and trust for another family to build on....maybe you're the best foundation builder for lost children....who knows.  What I DO know is that you are awesome.  I've told you that before and I'll continue to tell you that, because it is so true.  I couldn't in a million years do what you do.  What you've already accomplished amazes me, and I know you will continue to do so.  Keep up the good work, momma.  It's all gonna be all right in the end.  Love, no matter how fleeting, is a good thing. 

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JustC...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 11:50 PM

You have absolutely every right to feel the way you do.  (although..my stages are normally extreme anger, and then extreme sadness!)  Those kids think you're just as kickass as you think they are - and how could they not?  You gave them exactly what the woman who birthed them could not - Love, affection, trust....I can't believe she's still even reproducing.  Someone needs to slip her some damn sterilization pill or something. (Sorry, I'm getting a little angry about it too!)

You are truly an amazing lady, much stronger than I would be given the situation - as I'd probably be locked up in a bathroom tub somewhere with a couple rolls of toilet paper and a tub of ice cream.  I'm really disappointed that your 'friends' and family can't see that what you're doing is amazing, even if it does hurt just for a little while. 

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godde...
Feb. 2, 2008 at 11:54 PM

I think I would feel like you do now. For the record, my mom has done the same thing (not wanting to get too attached) with my niece and nephew. Their mother does not let our family see them very often. Bottom line is that even if I don't see them but once every couple of years (and they live about 3 miles from me) I'm still glad I got to be part of their lives.

Kids don't understand "you could be gone tomorrow." They live for today. Give them today.

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emilex
Feb. 3, 2008 at 12:00 AM

**Sigh**

These posts are good for you

Anger is ok and normal, and I do think that you are going through the grief process.  Not that you needed my validation for those feelings ;-)

Keep em coming, by the time you are done, you could probably publish them as a some kind of a book or guide!

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igot2
Feb. 3, 2008 at 12:02 AM i think you are definitely going through a grieving process. just like in relationships when you have a break up (a serious one) you actually go through the stages of grief as if the person died. (weird and useless fact #302 in my brain... ok not sure if it's really #302 but hey) so i imagine giving up foster kids would rank up there above a relationship! i think your family/friends are crappy for "not wanting to get attached" what about being there for you? i feel like that should be more important than their own feelings (jmo). and very sorry for the loss of your cousin on a side note!

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SxdUp...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 11:23 AM Again, all I can say is how amazingly strong and loving you are.

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acidb...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 1:19 PM

Now I am caught up.  I really don't know  what I would do in your situation.  This may sound a bit silly coming from a CM member that you have never met, but I am proud of you.  You really are selfless and have their interests at heart, and that's not easy for most people.

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anneb...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 6:50 PM Wow, Fab.  So sorry I've been totally out of the loop.  Glad others have been here to help.  And, yes;  from what I gather from what  I've been able to catch up on, you are right with your anger, etc...; your grief is yours and you need to do with it whativer and however you need to do.  So sorry.

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MoonP...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 9:30 PM You are a kick ass woman!!!  It's no wonder your kids are kick ass!!

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