I just feel like I need to make the place that I'm at in my head tonigh tangible. It's so amazing to me that I am now a part of my own little family. Because dh and I are broken people our family is necessarily a broken one. And with the two of us and a four month old it is little. So, I can use a quote from one of my favorite movies, "Lilo and Stitch."

My whole life I've struggled for acceptance from the men in my family. Since my great grandfather's death when I was seven I was never able to find it. And because of that I am a broken person. I don't know how else to describe that little person inside that still struggles for acceptance when on the outside you are grown and seemingly whole. I can remember praying for someone who would just love me for me when I was like 8 years old. I meant a father, but God had other plans. They say God doesn't always answer prayers, but He does. It's just that sometimes the answer is "no."

I met my husband when I was thirteen. I knew he was mine the minute I met him. We've struggled and fought each other and everyone else to be together and I have to say that even when he makes my blood boil I am grateful for him every day. This man spent six years building up my self confidence and supporting me in every way to become a less broken person before we got married. Then he spent the next several years working two or three jobs so that I could get a college degree because in the back of my mind I would never be able to feel confident having children unless I could support them myself.

I am eternally grateful to him. Which is why I feel like such a miserable wretch lately. I'm lucky enough to be able to be a stay at home mom this year with our daughter. And I'm miserable. All of my friends are teachers and too busy to come over more than once a month. I resent not being able to have adult conversations or occassionally have some me time. My husband tries but he is still very uncomfortable being left alone with the baby and I don't know how to make him more comfortable with her besides just giving him more time alone with her to adjust. 

But the thing that blows me the way the most is that we are a family. And we're doing it. We're being mom and dad and child and neither one of us is giving up and going away like our parents did. I guess that is one of the consequences of divorce. The kids don't think it is possible to be an unbroken family. But I will sacrifice anything to make it so that my daughter never has to doubt herself or the possiblities in this world like I did.

I just have to be thankful every day. I have been blessed. No, life isn't perfect. And I'm lonely and bored a good portion of every day. But I'm also safe, and loved, and someone's wife, and somebody's mommy and for now that's what I'm meant to be... And I'm okay with that. 

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doubl...
Feb. 4, 2008 at 11:51 AM Beautiful.  You sum up what a lot of us, I think, feel.  I'm not sure there is a creature out there who is truly a part of  a "functional" family - we are all a little (or a lot!) disfunctional in our own ways!  Hang in there, and remember...  we are out here to talk to!  And most of us... pretend... to be adults most of the time! :)

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