I never imagined this would be my life.

I'm alone and pregnant. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.

My daughter's father recently stated he wanted full custody. I won't give it to him. Then he got upset. The next day he asked could we be together. I said no. I know us being in a relationship will not make him a father so I don't want to set myself up for failure. I started talking to him every night... I knew this was leading nowhere, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I already feel like a horrible mom. I chose the wrong father for my daughter. My pregnancy wasn't planned, but I feel like I've laid out this path of disappointment for her and she hasn't even been born.

A friend of his just convinced his side-girl/mistress (has a girlfriend and child) to have abortion. Apparently, to my ex, this makes her a better girl than I was to him. My ex also has a child from a previous relationship, well it was actually a present relationship when I found out I was pregnant. I had no clue they were still together. I met her and everything, but his lies to her and me were well laid out. Anyway, his friend asked about me and gloated to my ex that he had an "official down ass shorty" because she was willing to have an abortion and ignores the fact that he has a so-called girlfriend and child. So I'm a bad person for keeping my daughter? Fine I'll be the face of evil for my daughter.

He then proceeds to tell me if I had had an abortion our life would be wonderful and so would our relationship. It would have made us stronger because he'd know I'd do anything for him! Is this how he justifies not being around when I needed him the most? I'm 8 months pregnant...why are we even having this conversation?

Also I'm a "black bitch" and it's my fault just like so many other "black bitches" that I have a "bastard" child. We wonder why men are distant and don't come around after he told me he didn't want any more children. (He told me that after I was nearly 3 months pregnant, before I was pregnant he wanted a little girl since he already has a son)

I asked him what did he want me to tell his daughter when she asks where is her daddy. He told me to "tell her to never force a kid on a guy and then wonder why he don't want shit to do with the bitch or the bastard."

How can someone claim to love you and want to be with you and less than 24 hours later say such things. I will never understand.

I'm stressed and I know she feels it. She balls up when I cry and I feel so horrible, but I can't stop. I feel like she's saying "it's ok mommy, we don't need him." Every ultrasound she covers her face with her hands and hides. It took an hour to get the pics I posted. I wonder is she hiding because she knows. I know that sounds silly.

I think of all the times she'll cry for him and he won't answer. I'm scared she won't think she's good enough because her father left. I wonder if she'll blame me for him leaving. I see the daddy's little girl onesies and know she'll never know what that means. I think of her seeing him with her brother and wondering why he won't play with her.

I want so much more for her. This wasn't supposed to be her life.

This wasn't supposed to be our life.

Add A Comment

Comments:

........
Feb. 3, 2008 at 5:17 AM You're going to be a great Mom. Don't let that sorry jerk get you down. Move on and have nothing more to do with him. Your precious little girl doesn't need that sort of male figure in her life. Just be there for her and do the best you can. Always let her know that she is good enough and never let her think any different. My Mom raised me all on her own. Of course she had financial help from my Dad, but he was never there. He was a workaholic. They divorced when I was 11 and of course I went through hell. My Mom was great though. Everything will be alright and you can raise that little darling on your own. So tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine when he comes around. You both deserve better than him and his wishy washy self.

Message Friend Invite

JadeR...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 5:24 AM

I'm so sorry. Men can be so weird.

In my husband's family his littlest sister, his dad and step mom's daughter, is adopted. The bio mom's boyfriend actually gave her the money for an abortion. And she was going to, utnil a complication with the person before her was so severe that the clinic had to close down. Shari took that as a sign to NOT kill her baby. And a series of other miracles led Eliza to them,a nd she was always meant for them we believe.

It'll work out somehow. I know it's hard to say,a nd I don't want you to think I am telling you this is something you need to do or anything. But perhaps you should consider adoption for you daughter. Not becuase you wouldn't be a good mom, becuase through your obvious concern for her I think you will be a great mom, but because you are concerend about her not having both a mother and a father.

There is an agency called LDS Family Servies, and I think they are in almost all states, where the bio parents can choose who their babies go to and the level of contact between them and so forth. But anyways, it's just some information.

If you ever want someone to talk to, hey, IM me.. I'm usually around way too much.

I've never been in your shoes but... I like to talk and I have a baby girl.

-- Amy

Message Friend Invite

Short...
Feb. 3, 2008 at 6:34 AM

Amy,

 I would love for her to be raised with both a mother and father, but I could never do adoption. I would reserve that idea if I was financially unable or had problems with me. My only problem is her father. LOL. I love my Tian and could never part with her. I appreciate that option though.

Message Friend Invite (Original Poster)

BOJ
Feb. 4, 2008 at 12:58 PM

You can do it--you can make it and you two will have a close and strong relationship.  Look at Tasha, my oldest, we are so tight sometimes I don't know where I end and she begins.  We grew up together and though I could have a dozen more I could never have the relationship that was and is so unique to Tasha and I because, for the longest time, it was just her and I finding our way, together.  Everyone encouraged me to abort or to place her for adoption.  I understand their concern and do not fault them for having my perceived best interest at heart but I loved her from the moment I knew she was; before she ever entered this world she lived in me, with me, just the two us.  Ironically that is also how she was raised, just us.  But wow, what an incredible person she has grown into and how proud I am.  I cannot imagine a day without her voice on the end of the phone saying she loves me and vice versa.  We went through a lot, shared so much that I often feel her heartbeat is still my own.

There is something so special between a mom and a daughter, treasure your's.  And never let, willingly, any person tear her down.  Until she is able to stand against the messed up people in the world that would do her harm, you stand for her, speak for her, choose for her, be her voice. 

And please know, that even though going through this right now seems like the worst thing and the worst timing, it is better to see it, face it, deal with it now than when she arrives to be a witness to it and affected by it.  Anyone who does not value your worth and treats you poorly should not be given your daughter as an audience to it. 

I wish you every good thing and the same for little Tian.

 

Message Friend Invite

nojom...
Feb. 4, 2008 at 5:22 PM Oh sweetie......I've been there.  I was 20 and pregnant by my boyfriend.  He was 2 years younger than me and he wasn't ready for the responsibility for being a dad.  He told me "we can't do this"  "you need to get an abortion".  I told him no.  Absolutely not.  If he wanted to be a part of his child's life, great.  If not, I was still having the baby.  I could never give my child up.  He was a fair weather boyfriend.  Sometimes there, sometimes messing around with his high school ex girlfriend.  I was alone mostly.  I was a pariah to my friends.  I wasn't sure I could do it.  I found out I was having a boy and I was thrilled.  He was perfect and he was and still is the light of my life.  We grew up together.  I nurtured him and I have taught him how to treat a woman.  You don't be a deadbeat jerk and not take care of your responsibilities.  He has grown into a young man who is compassionate and caring and has respect for others.  He didn't need the negativity.  Yes, he sees his dad, and fortunately, his dad grew up.  I agree with the other ladies.  He doesn't value you or your baby.  He doesn't deserve either of you.  He is losing out.  Hang in there......it'll all work out in the end.

Message Friend Invite

pynk_...
Mar. 7, 2008 at 6:16 PM wow. your story is that of so many young women. i feel your heartache. i dont know you so i dont know what type of mom you will be but the fact that you even care about ur lil girl and think of things from her perspective says a good deal about you. so you are on the right track in a way. i hope and pray the best outcome for you and yours. this sounds cliche but dont stop dreaming and its not the end of the world. you are not alone, and you are every woman its all in you. okay the last one i threw in as a joke cuz i was definately on a cliche tangent. your courage to be transparent is a good thing. too many keep it bottled up inside and thats not good for oneself or child. however, we to brood over our issues isn't healthy either. can't let life get the best of us.

Message Friend Invite

Tahja82
Mar. 24, 2008 at 11:20 AM OH MY!  Your childs father sounds just like mine when I was pregnant, just cruel for no reason at all!!  You stay encouraged and focus on yourself and YOUR child.  That is your baby and ONLY your baby now ( sorry, this is how my mind works not! lol)  And your two will have a ball together, I hate that there are women that have been through and are going through the same thing as me.  Believe me when I say you dont need him and it gets so much easier to do without him !!!  Take Care!!!!!!!

Message Friend Invite

sassy...
Apr. 9, 2008 at 1:04 PM Goodness.  Your childs father sounds like my sons father.  I had no idea he was in a relationship until after I became pregnant.  That was two and a half years ago.  He hasn't seen his son since he was 6 months old.  At first it hurt, but now I am thankful.  God puts us through these things for a reason.  What goes around comes around.  You have to be strong for yourself and your child.  Don't cry for all the times that you think that she will cry for her dad.  You just be the best mother that you can be.  There is a man out there for you and your daughter that will help you raise her to be the best woman she is meant to be.  I was stressed through my pregnancy with my son, but you have to believe that all things are possible.  Don't let him get you down because he is just trying to stress you out.  Keep your head up.

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in