My head is spinning, I am sicker than a dog,full of congestion hacking up lungs but that is not what is keeping me awake, I got a letter from Robby today.

Something just isn;t right with him. Call it motherly instinct I don;t know.

It is getting closer and closer to him getting out and going to his 1/2 way house and I think he is really starting to get scared, I recieved his letter today and it scares the hell out of me. Maybe I have just been listening to what I want to hear and all the good things and not the bad. I don;t know.

I'm on the outside thinking he has his whole life ahead of him, nothing but hopes and dreams to fufill. He is  on the inside battling demons that are saying " I m going to be released and it is going to be a battle to stay sober" He has only had friends with addictions in the past. Hell even our family has addictions and my best friends doo too. My mother, brother, ex husband,ex father inlaw,ex brother in laws, ohh it runs way down the line. I am not saying Wes is one but he has tendancies to go over board and if you look in my personal photo albums he always has a beer in his hand.  ( not pics on here ). Several of my friends smoke pot.

I have to admit I am even scared for him. He says in his letter " I am kind of scared about getting out,I don't have any plans and I am used to being locked up and that is the scary thing about it all. I haven't any short term of long term goals, I don;t know where I am going yet or how."   He said that guys that got there before him are slowly getting released and that is scarey also. I just don't know what is going thru his head.  He also said to tell his brother that the song by Alice and Chains "Nutshell" is his song... THAT scares me.. here are the lyrics.

Nutshell lyrics
We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home


My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead


I will see him today and maybe all of this will make more sense to me. Wes said he is feeling lonely because I have not written him as much or gone to see him like I used to, heck with a demanding mentally job, 3 added people and issues to the house my  daily life right now is a blur.

I just want him home.. I want to be able to pic up the phone and call him. I want to walk out the back door and see him, I want to hug him. I miss hearing his dumb jokes and "farting" . I want to cook for him and watch him make his gross concoctions of ranch dressing and whatever else is gross to dip stuff in. I miss the way he plays with Ethan and that bond they have. I miss hearing him laugh. I just miss my son DAMMIT.

Please think postive for us.. as he needs it the most right now.

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 9:06 AM Pam,  it sounds like maybe he doesnt have much self confidence right now.  I think possibly he has done some growing up thru all this and has realized his mistakes and is so worried about repeating them that it has him scared to death.  It's easy to stay sober while you are in a place where you HAVE to be, but once he is set free I think maybe he is thinking he doesnt have the will-power and inner strength to stay on the straight and narrow.  Reassure him that he CAN do it, he IS strong enough and that he will always have your support NO MATTER WHAT.  Help him find local support groups, AA, NA, support thru churches.   I've heard many people say, getting sober is the easy part, staying that way is the hardest.  I wish I lived closer so I could be there for ya in person, you are such a great, strong, wonderful person and I cherish the friendship we have built.  Stay strong for yourself and for Robby, he is going to need you.  ((hugs))

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 10:13 AM What she said! I hope you visit goes well and let him know we are rooting for him.

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 11:39 AM feeling alone, feeling scared, and feeling vulnerable.........   we all have been there to some degree or another.  at one of the last Alanon for Parents meetings I went to, there is a mom, who is a 20-years in recovery alcoholic.  she says that not taking a drink is the easy is dealing with the reasons why you started using in the first place that is the hard part.   Robby needs to know that he will not be fighting this battle alone.  you and your family will stand by him, and be there for him in every way that you can - just to talk, to walk away with him from a situation when it starts to get uncomfortable, to find a "new normal" bunch of things to do that don't involve alcohol or drugs.  He also needs to connect immediately with a good strong support group. frequent meetings, and the friendships that he will make will be very important.   I have been to 14 Alanon meetings now.  I still feel kind of uncomfortable about all the "12-step" stuff, and have not even begun to "work the steps" like they talk about.   I go for the companionship and support of the other people involved.   just knowing that there are other people going through the same types of issues makes me not feel so alone.   they laughed at me this week, because one lady was saying that finally, after coming for 2 years to meetings she was really "getting it".  I said that I think they need to have an in-patient program for co-dependents like us..........that I need a 30 or 90-day full-time program to really make everything get through to me!!!   thinking that it might take years is too much to think about!!!  Robby needs to know that he is not alone in this.  He has many thoughts and prayers being sent to him, and we know that there is so much ahead that he deserves to get to experience.   He is so good with Ethan........maybe he can volunteer to help out a group in your area that spends time teaching kids how to fish, or as a "team helper" for a t-ball team.   Finding the right job can take time.  everybody usually needs to settle for something they aren't too excited about, on the path to finding out what type of work they really want to do.  he doesn't need to worry about having everything settled in his mind right now, about his future.  you learn as you go, what you enjoy, and what you definitely DON"T want in a job.  he shouldn't put that pressure on himself that he needs to KNOW right now.  my oldest son does the same thing.  he is is his sixth year of trying to get his 4-year college degree.  he is a smart guy, and very competitive, and it just kills him that all of his friends have graduated 2 years ago, and are settled into new jobs in the careers that they chose.   they all have long term girlfriends, and he has never had one.   he says he feels like the "ninth wheel" whenever they get together.......and feels very alone.  that all adds up to pressure - wanting to be in the same place in his life that his friends are at.  he and Robby just need to trust that things are going to come together for them - not in their time, but in Gods time - and that sometimes good things come to those who wait.  When it happens, it will be worth the wait that they had to go through.  They both have to be in a good place themselves - knowing that they are worth it, and that they deserve it, and that they are lovable, caring people who have worked hard to earn every good thing that comes their way.  Tell Robby to listen, and to repeat everyday - several times a day - 'ONE DAY AT A TIME".   Thoughts and prayers to you too....this mommy job sure is tough sometimes!!!!!

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Feb. 3, 2008 at 12:24 PM Everything will be just fine, Pammy!  Venturing into the unknowing is scarey.  He just needs to set some goals and keep himself occupied with postiive things once he is out, and he needs to make sure he doesn;t look up any old friends AT ALL!  I will keep praying for you & your family and know that I love ya bunches, woman!

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Feb. 5, 2008 at 2:59 AM I think that as a mom we sense when our kids are having a hard time. Robby, is scared,  He will want to stay strong and God willing he will for himself and his family. We all have things to deal. Some that are easier than others. With your strength you will be there for him and I am sure that he knows this. Hang in there your a wonderful mom. I know this because the way you speak of your family shows how much you love them. Robby also knows this never doubt that.

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