sadness and reality blend

[femalealphawolf]

This week I had to drive to Macon, GA. It's a 5 1/2 to 6 hr. drive from here in FL. I wanted to check on the job situation, houses, and see my boyfriend who lives there. He thought the trip was an optimistic one, but he is optimistic and I have always been pessimistic.

On the way home, I realized that Christian Rock music is actually really good and I like it. In fact, I hadn't even realized that it wasn't a Top 40 station until I really listened to the words. Impressive!

Then I realized, I have been fighting with depression for so long that I don't really know when it began. I can't take antidepressants because I am a recovering addict since 1998 and they make me stoned...that is a no-no. Besides I am Bipolar/seizures and am already on meds. I have two girls one is only 4 so I can't stay in bed all day. So, I go through the motions every day even playing and having fun, yet my house or portions of my house will be filthy...like my office. I can't bare to clean it. Just weird things I have noticed that I do. I talk about doing something...taking some classes, getting a different job, etc. but when I start it just overwhelms me and I quit. Oh there's more....moral is it's been depression this whole time. Bummer.   And I have completely ran out of people to blame!!!   lol

The problem is that I do know what I want and what I want to do. I just think that I have become such a hermit that I do not know how to go get it. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore or how to make any friends. I scare people off I think. I feel kind of lost within myself if that makes any sense.

Do changes have to occur with MORE medications? Isn't there a 12 Step Program for Motivation? Or a Self Help Book on How to Make Friends and Be a Friend??   

[valtoppen]

Feb. 15, 2008 at 7:05 AM I hope in time things get  better for you.just have patience because life will deal you some hard tests.but in the end God will always find a way to make things a lil easier to bear.never lose faith.God Bless you.thanks for stopping by.if you need to talk message me anytime.we as women have many experiences and knowledge that can help each other out.

[femalealphawolf]

Feb. 17, 2008 at 9:38 AM

Thank you. They say that God only gives us as much as we can handle... but does he know when enough is enough? Can't he hear my prayers and pleadings that I am at my wits end?  That if anymore "bad things" build up and more "bad obstacles" are placed in front of me that I simply cannot maintain the strength to overcome them? And if so... how will I know?

Too bad God doesn't have email.  lol

(Original Poster)